Saturday, January 20, 2018

No No No No No

I think we push hard for people to learn to say no. I think that's fine, but I also think we need to push people to learn how to accept no's.

I got stressed and annoyed with certain people this summer who invited me multiple times to do something.

One invitation is lovely. It's nice. It would actually have been hurtful if I hadn't been invited. I would have probably felt rejected and left out. So yeah. Thanks for trying to include me. But the second invitation is annoying, and the ones after that are even more annoying. And they stress me out.

So when it comes to inviting, asking for favors, trying to sell something, trying to have sex, etc.

Ask once.

Accept the answer.

Don't beg.

Don't make promises.

Don't use guilt trips.

Don't debate.

Don't force the person to come up with excuses.  If they had a reason they wanted to share, they would have done so.

If you think their reason for saying no only applies to this time and this situation, by all means ask again in the future. If someone declines your offer of dessert because they're super full from dinner, it's totally cool to offer them dessert the next time you eat together.  But if someone declines sharing nachos with you at dinner because they hate cheese, don't ask them again on the next date.  Understand that some no's are just for the moment and other no's apply to forever...or at least a very long time.

The other thing is, if the conversation is happening via text, please make sure not to pout or look like you're pouting. 

Sometimes I'll say no to someone and they text something back like, fine or okay. If they usually text without emojis and/or explanation marks, it's not so bad.  If they do usually text in a cheerful way, it looks so much like they're pouting.  It looks like its their passive-aggressive way of saying, No. It's not okay! I'm going to go in my room and cry now. I hate you!!!!!

Edited to add: I shouldn't put the blame on only other people. I too have been guilty of not making it easy for people to say no.  I'm not including the mom stuff where no is not a viable option, like vaccines, trips to the dentist, and school work. But for things in life that are much less necessary, I'm going to try harder to make it easier and less stressful for other people to say no to me.