Lately I've been watching season 2 of Nashville.
In the episode I just finished watching, we meet the mom (Dana Wheeler-Nicholson) of Scarlett (Claire Bowen).
Claire Bowen is Australian, by the way. I thought I should mention that since this used to be a blog about Australia and Australians.
So....
Anyway....
Scarlett's mom was talked about in recent episodes. The big brother from Hill House (Michael Huisman) acts as Scarlett's album producer, and in order to get her to make music that's impressive to him, he pushes her to confront her dark side.
Scarlett reveals that although she calls her mom and leaves friendly, cheerful messages; deep inside, she has a lot of sadness and anger towards her mother.
Scarlett ends up writing and recording a song called "Black Roses".
I can see your eyes staring into mine
But it's a battlefield and you're on the other side.
You can throw your words, sharper than a knife,
And leave me cold in another house on fire.
When Scarlett's mom comes by for a surprise visit, Scarlett is tense but civil. Then when they have a moment of privacy, the mom takes off her mask and shows her Disney Villain side.
Probably inspired by a heart to heart with her ex-boyfriend Avery (Jonathan Jackson), Scarlett stops playing nice and publicly serenades her mom with "Black Roses".
Scarlett's mom is not at all pleased, and I realized then that she is probably quite high on the narcissistic parent spectrum.
Here are some behaviors she displayed that I see as being part of the narcissistic parent package.
A) The mask. When other people are around, Scarlett's mom acts slightly annoying but fairly decently. She seems to love her daughter. Though she does make a subtle snide comment. I forgot what it was.
Oh! Now I remember. She comments on her own lack of music-success and puts the blame on her pregnancy to Scarlett.
Okay, but without an audience, Scarlett's mom goes no-wire-hangers. She lashes out verbally and physically, because Scarlett didn't share a family secret with her. She couldn't handle being left out of the loop.
I think the intensity of the mask varies with narcissistic parents. Sometimes it can be extreme. Daddy is super ideal Daddy at company picnics and at church; then at home he ties his kids to chairs and tortures them.
Other times the difference may be much less extreme. Mommy acts supportive, encouraging, and inventive at the playground but then at home is disinterested and grumpy.
Now, of course, every parent is going to have bad mood hours/days. And we're more likely to suppress our bad moods in public. But with a narcissistic parent, the variance between public parent and private parent is going to be too consistent.
B) Impressing people in their child's life. Scarlett's mom gets up on stage and sings with Scarlett's band members. She wants to be adored by the people in Scarlet's life.
Most people do want to be liked. There's no shame in that. Or at least it's not abnormal.
I think, though, with narcissistic parents, they care more about what the friends think of them than what the friends think of their child. And how they are treated is more important than how their child is treated.
At their child's birthday party, they'll worry less about whether they're child is having a happy, good time and be more focused on whether all the invitees think that little Amanda has a super awesome Mommy.
They need to be the parent that's seen as cool, fun, attractive, etc.
C) Responding to child's anger with reminder of material things given to the child. Scarlett's mom responds to the song not with sorrow, an apology, a plea for things to change, etc. She reacts by reminding Scarlett that she put a roof over Scarlett's head.
Narcissistic parents don't want to to get real with their kids. They don't want to get closer. They don't want to mend fences. They don't want to make improvements.
What do they want?
Adoration and gratitude.
D) Taking Credit for child's success. Scarlett's mom takes credit for Scarlett's success. I forgot what she said, but the general idea is you got this far, because of ME.
Like anything with families infected with narcissism, this too varies family to family. And sometimes it can change within a family.
Some narcissistic parents do NOT want their child up on a pedestal and will knock them down every chance they get.
Other narcissistic parents will allow their child up on a pedestal...will even encourage it. But they want the credit.
You have my genes!
It's because I made you take those piano lessons!
I'm glad my job gave us the means for you to afford private school.
It's good I had these connections and could pull some strings for you.
There was actually another example of this behavior in season one. Despite being one of the most famous country singers, Rayna (Connie Britton) can't count her own father as one of her fans. He's very unsupportive...at least emotionally. Then, in a heated argument, he takes credit for her success, because he secretly backed her financially.
I think most artists and/or performers would rather have their parents play the part of fans over playing the part of financial backers.
As for Scarlett and her situation, poor Scarlett has a nervous breakdown, up on stage, in front of thousands of people.
My guess is that a good-size chunk of people in psychiatric wards are there because their self-esteem and sanity were chipped away by narcissistic parents.
In the episode I just finished watching, we meet the mom (Dana Wheeler-Nicholson) of Scarlett (Claire Bowen).
Claire Bowen is Australian, by the way. I thought I should mention that since this used to be a blog about Australia and Australians.
So....
Anyway....
Scarlett's mom was talked about in recent episodes. The big brother from Hill House (Michael Huisman) acts as Scarlett's album producer, and in order to get her to make music that's impressive to him, he pushes her to confront her dark side.
Scarlett reveals that although she calls her mom and leaves friendly, cheerful messages; deep inside, she has a lot of sadness and anger towards her mother.
Scarlett ends up writing and recording a song called "Black Roses".
I can see your eyes staring into mine
But it's a battlefield and you're on the other side.
You can throw your words, sharper than a knife,
And leave me cold in another house on fire.
When Scarlett's mom comes by for a surprise visit, Scarlett is tense but civil. Then when they have a moment of privacy, the mom takes off her mask and shows her Disney Villain side.
Probably inspired by a heart to heart with her ex-boyfriend Avery (Jonathan Jackson), Scarlett stops playing nice and publicly serenades her mom with "Black Roses".
Scarlett's mom is not at all pleased, and I realized then that she is probably quite high on the narcissistic parent spectrum.
Here are some behaviors she displayed that I see as being part of the narcissistic parent package.
A) The mask. When other people are around, Scarlett's mom acts slightly annoying but fairly decently. She seems to love her daughter. Though she does make a subtle snide comment. I forgot what it was.
Oh! Now I remember. She comments on her own lack of music-success and puts the blame on her pregnancy to Scarlett.
Okay, but without an audience, Scarlett's mom goes no-wire-hangers. She lashes out verbally and physically, because Scarlett didn't share a family secret with her. She couldn't handle being left out of the loop.
I think the intensity of the mask varies with narcissistic parents. Sometimes it can be extreme. Daddy is super ideal Daddy at company picnics and at church; then at home he ties his kids to chairs and tortures them.
Other times the difference may be much less extreme. Mommy acts supportive, encouraging, and inventive at the playground but then at home is disinterested and grumpy.
Now, of course, every parent is going to have bad mood hours/days. And we're more likely to suppress our bad moods in public. But with a narcissistic parent, the variance between public parent and private parent is going to be too consistent.
B) Impressing people in their child's life. Scarlett's mom gets up on stage and sings with Scarlett's band members. She wants to be adored by the people in Scarlet's life.
Most people do want to be liked. There's no shame in that. Or at least it's not abnormal.
I think, though, with narcissistic parents, they care more about what the friends think of them than what the friends think of their child. And how they are treated is more important than how their child is treated.
At their child's birthday party, they'll worry less about whether they're child is having a happy, good time and be more focused on whether all the invitees think that little Amanda has a super awesome Mommy.
They need to be the parent that's seen as cool, fun, attractive, etc.
C) Responding to child's anger with reminder of material things given to the child. Scarlett's mom responds to the song not with sorrow, an apology, a plea for things to change, etc. She reacts by reminding Scarlett that she put a roof over Scarlett's head.
Narcissistic parents don't want to to get real with their kids. They don't want to get closer. They don't want to mend fences. They don't want to make improvements.
What do they want?
Adoration and gratitude.
D) Taking Credit for child's success. Scarlett's mom takes credit for Scarlett's success. I forgot what she said, but the general idea is you got this far, because of ME.
Like anything with families infected with narcissism, this too varies family to family. And sometimes it can change within a family.
Some narcissistic parents do NOT want their child up on a pedestal and will knock them down every chance they get.
Other narcissistic parents will allow their child up on a pedestal...will even encourage it. But they want the credit.
You have my genes!
It's because I made you take those piano lessons!
I'm glad my job gave us the means for you to afford private school.
It's good I had these connections and could pull some strings for you.
There was actually another example of this behavior in season one. Despite being one of the most famous country singers, Rayna (Connie Britton) can't count her own father as one of her fans. He's very unsupportive...at least emotionally. Then, in a heated argument, he takes credit for her success, because he secretly backed her financially.
I think most artists and/or performers would rather have their parents play the part of fans over playing the part of financial backers.
As for Scarlett and her situation, poor Scarlett has a nervous breakdown, up on stage, in front of thousands of people.
My guess is that a good-size chunk of people in psychiatric wards are there because their self-esteem and sanity were chipped away by narcissistic parents.
