I feel like such a confused mix of emotions lately.
Because of that, I'm not sure I can get my thoughts together in a coherent way. So I think I'm going to do a numbered post of related and unrelated things.
1. I've cried at bedtime at least 4 times lately. I was going to use the phrase "Cried myself to sleep" but that's really not true. The crying prevents me from falling asleep, because my nose gets all snotty. I have to stop crying and blow my nose; then fall asleep.
Two times the crying was due to hyper-empathy related to my nieces/nephews. Once it was for missing Jack who is at college. The other was for missing Disney World.
2. I feel I have an idea now about the difference between sadness and depression.
I don't think depression is limited to only those who have been officially diagnosed or those who fail or struggle to function or those who have been feeling very sad for a certain minimum of time. I think depression is a sadness that also involves hopelessness and a loss of joy in all the areas that used to bring us joy.
I have been depressed before.
BUT....
I realize that when I'm feeling bad lately, I am feeling sad but not depressed.
I still find joy in things that I love.
I still feel hope.
I'm just sad. Sometimes.
3. I miss life before the pandemic.
I'm a little late to that sadness, I think.
I think with the 2020 stuff, my main feelings were anger, excitement, fascination, and fear. Well, and there was also some relief. Because though I often stayed home in the pre-pandemic days, suddenly this was a GOOD thing rather than something to feel guilty or embarrassed about.
4. I have very uneven empathy.
Sometimes I have hyper-empathy. And at times that feels absolutely crushing. I think sometimes I feel more pain when something happens to someone else than if it was (or is) actually happening to me. Like if it's happening to me, I can handle it. But if it's happening to someone else, I feel like I'm drowning. It can get to the point where I wish to not exist anymore.
Other times, I eerily lack empathy. I'm like completely cold-blooded. I think this most often happens when I read the news. I feel like a psychopath sometimes.
But sometimes it's also about my selfishness greatly overshadowing the empathy. For example, someone dies and I'm thinking less about those heavily grieving and more about whether we're going to have to go to the funeral and how that's going to be stressful and how that's going to interrupt MY life.
5. Despite my whole post about reasons not to seek an autism diagnosis, I went against my own brilliant advice and am in the process of seeking a diagnosis.
Now I feel uneasy about talking about autism, which is one of the reasons I've not been posting lately. Autism is one of the main things on my mind, but I don't feel okay writing about it.
It's one thing writing as someone who is MAYBE-Autistic or PROBABLY-Autistic.
It's another thing writing as someone who might be officially stamped as NOT-Autistic.
And I feel that's the label I'm going to get.
It's not that I don't think I'm autistic.
And it's definitely not that I think the diagnosis-people I've turned to are bad at their job.
It's more like I feel it's my destiny in life to be endure rejection.
I feel I'm going to be rejected. I feel it's going to hurt a huge amount. And I feel it's going to be another time where I pretend to the world that I'm okay about it.
6. Though I have a lot of sadness related to changes in my life...and the world in general, I cheer myself up by reminding myself that life always has changes. What I miss about a year or two ago is very different from my life 10-15 years ago.
A year from now is probably going to be very different from today.
And the changes will probably be good and bad.
If I think back to times that I miss, there are also things about those times that I don't miss.
7. The nostalgic feelings brought on by some music is often overwhelming for me. It's like an extremely inviting pool that I want to jump into...but once I start dipping my toes in, I feel like I'm drowning in a mix of longing and sorrow.
8. I'm REALLY into Minecraft lately. I have (complicated) rules for myself to keep me from playing all day and night.
I really love it, though. It's probably another reason I've not been posting lately.
Right now I'm doing a mix of mostly building and exploring/mapping.
9. Tim bought us a Nintendo Switch and we played Mario Kart. That brought feelings of nostalgia, but it was, fortunately, a very good nostalgic feeling. Just the music...and the starting sounds of the game....it made me feel so wonderful.
The scenes in the game are so beautiful.
10. If I get rejected from autism, I'm going to buy myself a virtual reality. Well...getting rejected from the initial screening will save me a lot of money. And I'm going to use that money to cheer myself up.
11. I really want to dedicate as much of my life as possible to getting lost in fictional worlds...reading books, playing video games, watching TV shows, etc.
If I get accepted by autism, I may want to also get more involved in autism-pride and all that. So I'll take some breaks from fictional worlds for that.
Every so often, I tell myself that even if I'm not autistic, I will want to help people who ARE autistic. But no. I'm lying to myself. I'm going to feel too rejected and resentful.
If I get rejected, instead of going Maleficent, maybe I'll start a support group for all the other people who thought they were autistic but got rejected.
12. I might continue with screenwriting; though I think it's my destiny to get rejected from that as well. But I might as well try...just for the hell of it.
13. If I get accepted by autism, I imagine I will be so overly happy. I think I will almost want to have a big party or something. Or maybe...I'll just go to the library.
I imagine my college-age self reading this post and being really shocked and confused. Or maybe she'd be amused, thinking that I'm being sarcastic or joking. But I think if I sat down with her and explained things, she'd understand where I'm coming from.
I really wish the Me's at different ages had each other....as a source of support and entertainment. I think we really need each other.
Well...Yeah. I do have my younger selves to look back on. But I think it would helpful if I always had support from my older selves as well. It would be nice if the communication was two-way instead of a one way kind of thing.
14. The song below does a great job at describing how I've been feeling the past few months. Or really....what I'm longing to feel.
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