Not All Narcissists

As I've said before, there are people on social media complaining about the use of the word narcissist, because it's a personality disorder, and it's not fair to paint all people with this personality disorder as bad or abusive.

Their argument is that not all narcissists are abusive.  

I kind of feel that by definition, narcissists are going to be abusive.  If we have a high enough need for adoration and validation to qualify for a personality disorder and a high enough intolerance of criticism to qualify for that personality disorder, how do we manage all that without resorting to psychological manipulation?

Maybe the people saying that not all narcissists are abusive don't count psychological manipulation as abuse?  Maybe to them, emotional abuse would be the more obvious types: Yelling, threatening, blatant insults, etc.  

Anyway, Yesterday, I decided to look at the DSM to see if I could be actually technically right about the narcissists-being-abusive.

No. I was not right.  According to the DSM, you can be diagnosed with only 5 out of 9 criteria.  

None of the 9 explicitly indicates abuse.

I think 3/9 seem likely to lead to abuse: 

Requires excessive admiration.  If we REQUIRE admiration, how do we behave towards those who don't show admiration?  And what do we do towards the people who dare to criticize us?

Is interpersonally exploitative (i.e. - takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends).  I can't see how we can exploit others without hurting them.  I mean if we're exploitive enough to a degree that would qualify us as having a personality disorder.  And I think taking-advantage-of is different than quid pro quo.  Being used and realizing you're being used.  It might not qualify officially as abuse.  But it sure can hurt. 

Has a sense of entitlement (i.e. - unreasonable expectations of especially favourable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations).  It seems a person with a strong degree of this trait would be controlling and likely to lash out if things aren't going their way.  

I think 3/9 of the traits are pretty sympathetic.

Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g. - exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements).  I wonder how many narcissists don't have achievements meriting recognition vs how many do.  I guess if one is truly talented and successful, they can't put a little check on this symptom.  

Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.  I think this can be done to an extreme level without causing anyone harm.  In fact, it can do the opposite.  People could be inspired by these fantasies to create really fun novels, movies, TV shows, etc.  

Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).  That's sad.  

One of the other symptoms is a lack of empathy.  I've seen NPD-defenders, on social media, saying that one doesn't need empathy to be a good person.  

This I actually agree with.  In fact, I think in some cases one can be a better person without empathy rather than too much.  Or at least one can make better choices at times.  

Should we worry about the surgeon who doesn't give a crap about the patient?  Not necessarily, because it might be enough that she cares about being known as the best surgeon in the country.  

So....

Anyway....

Technically speaking, one can be diagnosed with NPD and not be abusive.  But I think that would be fairly rare.  And again, it might depend a lot on how we define abuse.

For example, do we believe in the concept of emotional neglect?  This would be where a child is fed, sheltered....material needs fulfilled. They are not molested. They are not beat up or tortured.  They are not often yelled at our threatened.  But their emotional needs are rarely met. They're treated like accessories. They are led to believe their emotions, hobbies, hopes, etc. are wrong and/or not important.  

If a parent is so caught up in their own narcissistic needs, how do they manage to not emotionally neglect their child?  I think it would be hard.   

All this aside....

I can believe there are people with NPD who are not abusive.  But to make a point of pointing that out...to make this the main message we're trying to spread on social media.

Well....it kind of sounds to me like 

Not all men!

Or

Not all white people!

Or

Not all Cops!

One of the ways to make ourselves seem like one of THOSE men or THOSE white people or THOSE cops is to say things like, But not all....

Because the men and white people and cops who are truly in the NOT group?  They choose a different message to promote.  They care less about image and more about fixing the problem.  

For those who create narcissism content...I think it can be divided into two categories.  A) Beware the narcissist B) If you use the word narcissist outside of a sympathetic discussion of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, you are guilty of ableism.    

I've seen a lot of A and a little of B.

From self-proclaimed narcissists, I've seen some category A stuff.  Like...Hi! I'm a narcissist. I'm going to teach you how to spot other people like me and teach you hot to avoid that abuse.  And I've seen some B stuff which is along the lines of, Please give us sympathy and stop being so ableist.

Are there any narcissists who are trying to reach out to other narcissists to say things like?...Here are ways you can get your dose of narcissistic supply without causing harm.  Or: Here are things you can do instead of gaslighting.  

Another thing I've heard on social media is that we shouldn't use the term narcissistic to describe someone who is psychologically abusive.  Instead we should say something like Shitty-person or asshole.  I get this sense that we're supposed to be sympathetic towards the person diagnosed as NPD, because it's not their fault they have this disorder.  But we don't need to be sympathetic to a shitty person, because the shitty person is just shitty.  They're bad....not disordered.  

But if the NPD person deserves our sympathy, patience, and understanding...why doesn't the same apply to the "shitty person"?   Shouldn't we wonder why they're behaving that way?  Shouldn't we wonder if some kind of trauma caused them to act like an asshole?  

Shouldn't their backstory be just as important as the person who has been diagnosed with NPD?

To some folks, the answer would be no, no, and no.

Because for them, "Ableism" isn't about everyone being different, everyone having needs, everyone having limitations, everyone deserving compassion, everyone needing some kind of accommodation, everyone having an important backstory.

For some, "ableism" equals: I am special, because I have a diagnosis or label and that makes my story and my needs more important than those who don't have a diagnosis or label.  And for them, the words used in their diagnosis become sacred, untouchable.    

Read my novel: The Dead are Online