Sunday, March 18, 2018

My Life in 1985 (Part 2)

Here is more interesting/disturbing/fun stuff from my teenage diaries.




At school me and Tu were really making fun of Carrie R. If only Carrie R. was nice, she would have lots of friends and everything. (12/6//85)  Well, fuck!  Fuck my grammar, and fuck my bullying. I often remember the times I was mistreated and the times I stood by the mistreated. I kind of blocked out most of the memories of when I was the bully. And not only was I a bully. I blamed the victim.

I think I hate Leslie. She is always laughing at me because I'm Jewish and Nwaka cause she's black.  (12/9/85) Was Leslie a racist? I doubt it. Maybe she was just a bit ignorant? Or had an edgy sense of humor that I wasn't ready to appreciate? I'm not sure.

Marni is so mean. I hate her. She said to my face that she hated my drawings. (12/10/85).  I'm getting the idea that seventh graders are MEAN...and I include my younger self in that.

I can't wait till Celeste comes. She is so nice, but she wants to be really popular, so I hope she likes me. (12/11/85). Celeste was another friend I met through my father's work. I remember liking her a lot and was eager for her to start attending my school. But it was one of those stories where two people become friends; then one becomes more popular and the other gets left behind. I think I've seen that on TV shows.

Celeste slept over. We had lots of fun. We put makeup on each other and made stories on the tape recorder. I made the stories up and Celeste did the sound effects. (12/14/85).  The TV shows are coming to my mind now—Freaks and Geeks and Stranger Things.  I think I was a Millie/Barb kind of person.

One thing I notice is that I talk about Celeste a LOT...like obsessively. I don't remember having a crush on her. But I am wondering if I was a bit overbearing and clingy?  Maybe it wasn't just my lack of coolness that made us drift apart. Maybe I scared her away by liking her too much?  Or is it normal/common for teens to be so focused on a friend?  It could also be that, though, I wrote about her a lot in my diary, I didn't act as obsessed when with her. I'm not sure.

Note to my younger self: You should've used pens for all your diary entries. Pencil was not a good idea! You're going to make your future self go blind.

We watched Gremlins. I gave that a 9.6. Beverly Hills Cop 9. Cat's Eye 8.6 (12/24/86). I'm surprised I liked Beverly Hills Cop more than Cat's Eye. 

I'm thinking more about my treatment of Carrie R. Of course there's a chance, I was more horrible than I remember. But a part of me is thinking/hoping that what I meant "by made fun of" is that we did it behind her back. Yeah, that's pretty awful too. But it's probably better than joining in with a friend to make fun of someone to their face. The other thing that makes me lean towards this scenario is that from what I remember of Tu, she was pretty sweet and innocent.  I don't picture either of us being the type to openly bully someone. Then again, sometimes the "sweetest" people can be cruel, but it's all seen as okay because their victim isn't seen as being worthy of kindness.