Thursday, September 20, 2018

The Flowery Journal My Sister Gave Me (part 19)

More journal stuff!

The blue is what was printed in the journal. The green is what I wrote (probably in 1996).

I felt I was coming into my own when I figured out that I could walk downtown to the bookstore, drugstore, etc.

This was in college.

I think it took me some time to realize that despite not being able to drive, I could still have some traveling independence.

I wonder how long the walk was to the drugstore, bookstore, etc.

I'm playing around with Google Maps, trying to see what's near the University of Chattanooga now.

There's a Mellow Mushroom a little less than a mile from my old apartment.  I don't think it was around in the 1990's.

Lord Wiki says Mellow Mushroom was established in 1974, so it COULD have been around back when I was at school.  He also says that Mellow Mushroom started in Atlanta, Georgia. We saw signs for it when we visited a few days ago. I didn't realize it originated there.

What other restaurants originated in Atlanta?  I know Moe's is another one.

Here's an article that lists some.

Chick-fil-A.  I kind of feel like I remember that one beginning.  But often I feel like I've witnessed the beginning of something. Then I learn it's been around much longer.

Lord Wiki says Chick-fil-A began in 1946.

Okay. BUT he says it became a mall food court thing in the 1970's and 1980's. I probably remember the beginnings of that.

We lived in Atlanta in the 1980's. I wonder what came first to the Perimeter Mall—us or Chick-Fil-A?

Anyway, as for Chick-fil-A.  I wish they'd become more gay-friendly AND more vegetarian friendly. But still. I do like their Waffle fries.

Waffle House is from Atlanta. I think it's been a long time since I've been in one of those. I remember going there for a psychology class project. We had to observe...something?  Maybe waffle making?

Great American Cookie is from Atlanta. I kind of remember that time when big, soft cookies became popular in malls and other places.

Applebee's originated in Atlanta.. It's been a long time since I've been in one of those restaurants as well.

Well, there are other restaurants. But the ones I've listed are the ones more familar to me.

Back to the Chattanooga map.

There's now an aquarium about a mile away from my old apartment. I'm pretty sure that wasn't there when I was a student. I vaguely remember hearing about its birth.

WELL....never mind.

Lord Wiki says the aquarium began in 1992. I would have been a student then!  Why did I miss it?

He does say that it had major expansions in 2005.  Maybe it was a dinky little thing before that?

What made me independent was-See above (and I drew a little arrow)

That's more evidence that the journal annoyed me. And it IS annoying! What's the difference between coming into one's own and feeling independent?

I felt happiest in college when-I was with a lot of friends and they were paying attention to me. I hate being ignored. 

I might sound like a drama queen.

But no. I would disagree with that assessment. I've never liked being ignored. That doesn't mean I have a need to be the CENTER of attention. I'm quite fine with other people being the center of attention.  I just don't want to feel invisible. There definitely is a middle ground.

And most unsure when-I am ignored. When people would fail to invite me somewhere.

I hate experiencing this, and I hate seeing this.

To me, the worst is when there's a small group of people together. Then one person in the group invites everyone else but a particular person to go do something.

Example: Harry, Rosie, and Max are sitting by the pool together. Rose says, Hey Harry, do you want to go inside and play some video games?

Rosie says, Sure! No one says anything to Max as they rush off and leave him behind.

I'd really like to know what the hell is with people when they do this?

Are they being purposely cruel?  Or are they just oblivious?

Have I ever done something like this before? I would hope not on purpose...but maybe accidentally? Well, I hope I wouldn't do it accidentally either.

I grew a person in these ways-I had a long term relationship. I met people of different types. That sounds weird. I learned a lot about Judaism.

It might sound weird, but I kind of like it.

There are lots of different types of people—different genders, different sexual preferences, different ethnicities, different disabilities, different religions, different accents, etc.

I guess I could have said, I met a variety of people.

Either way.....

The greatest opportunity I had-was probably my friendship with M. It is such an honor that I'm the first person that he told about being gay and I had the chance to help him with Judaism.

I'm leaving out the name, because though I'd hope he's 90-100% out of the closet now; that might not be the case. I don't want to accidentally out anyone.

But the opportunity I missed-Volunteering at the Chattanooga zoo. I am so mad I didn't know about how close the zoo was sooner. 

I saw it on the map earlier and was surprised that it WAS close.  I do remember volunteering at the zoo, but I don't remember how I got there.

I suppose I  walked.

What I understand now about this time and its importance-I understand that I could have had great hands on experience with animals.  

Sometimes I wish I had become a zookeeper. Or something along those lines.

What I would like to tell the young woman I was-Go to the Chattanooga zoo. Don't have sex with Mike. But then I wouldn't have enough experience. Maybe I could have done it with Jesse.

Ouch. I don't remember loving my college sexual experiences. But I didn't know I had that much regret about it.

With the MeToo movement, though, I have been thinking that too many times I've done sexual things not at all because I wanted to, but because I have felt pressure to do them.

Did I have resentment over this before the MeToo movement?

I hope I least to some degree. But mostly I probably felt like a prude; like I owed men something; that the most important gift I could give a man was my body; that if I didn't put out, I'd be put down.

Anyway, I seriously doubt that things would have been any better with Jesse.