We're currently watching season 2 of The Handmaids Tale.
For those who don't know, the show is a dystopian tale where American women are raped and forced into surrogacy by infertile, Christian couples.
The women-handmaids-are not only raped but also separated from their families, shamed, threatened with hanging, punished with cattle prods, forbidden from reading, forced to give up their names, and must speak with each other in hyper-religious phrases.
In the first thirteen episodes of the series, June Osborne (Elizabeth Moss), one of the victims of the dystopia, is resourceful, brave, and defiant.
She knows all this shouldn't be happening to her or the other women. She knows the people who are doing this are the villains. She knows she needs to fight back the best that she can.
In the 14th episode, "Other Women" that changes.
In most episodes, we get flashbacks of what life was like for June in the Before Times. It shows how her world went from normal to things-are-getting-a-bit-crazy to shit-we-are-now-running-for-our-lives. The main thing in all this, though, was that June, her partner/husband? Luke (O-T Fagbenle) and their daughter Hannah (Jordana Blake) were happy together and loved each other.
In "Other Women" we are reminded of something we've been told before in small doses. Luke was a married man. June was the other women. We meet Luke's wife (Kelly Jenrette) for the first time and she is far from happy. We see her hurt and anger.
Whether we can have sympathy and understanding for the other women or despise them...I hope most of us would not believe they deserve to be kidnapped, raped, and emotionally and physically abused.
June remembers this transgression as her escape from hell fails.
This memory alone doesn't break her. It's a more recent transgression that throws her over the edge.
During her complicated almost-escape, one of the helpers, Omar (Yahya Abdul-Mateen II), gets news that makes him try to break away from the plan. He tries to leave June.
June insists on him helping her. And by insist, I mean she stands in front of his truck and refuses to let him drive away.
He reluctantly brings her home to his unwelcoming wife (Joanna Douglas). Why is she not welcoming? She doesn't want to risk her own family.
And it turns out it was quite a risk.
June later learns that Omar was murdered by hanging. And his wife now faces the same fate as June. She's been separated from her son and is now a handmaid.
The evil Aunt Lydia (Ann Dowd) a sort of headmistress of the handmaids, uses the news of the family's fate to get June to finally swallow the message that Aunt Lydia has been pushing thus far. This is that June is a bad person and what's happening to her is NOT abuse. It's a path to redemption.
At the end of the episode, we see June is no longer strong-willed and rightfully angry about her situation. Instead, she's completely meek.
I think in our own minds and within society that in order to be deserving of sympathy, we need to be perfectly innocent. We have to be 100% good...or at least 90% good in order to not deserve shit being done to us.
Another show I've been thinking about is Big Little Lies. Celeste Wright (Nicole Kidman) doesn't believe she's the victim of abuse. Why? Because she has hit her husband back. She has fought back.
That was actually eye-opening for me, because I don't think I had ever seen an abuse victim presented that way. I think, because of what I've seen in movies/TV/books, etc. the abuse victim is like June at the end of "Other Women". They're shown to be meek.
What happens in the media and the courts when a person becomes a victim of rape or another crime? Their past is brought up to show how they haven't always been so innocent.
The idea is if they've smoked pot maybe they're kind of deserving of being shot.
If they have a lot of sexual experience, maybe they deserved to be rape.
Or if we're not going to go as far as saying they deserve being shot or raped...maybe we're just going to give them a little or a lot less sympathy.
It's horrible for society to withhold sympathy and justice because the victim isn't perfect or completely innocent from wrongdoings.
Note here: I am NOT trying to say that being sexually experienced or smoking pot is a wrongdoing.
But we all have our morals and our own moral judgements.
Anyway....
What I was trying to say, before I interrupted myself, is that although it's horrible for society to withhold sympathy, I think what is worse and more dangerous is when the victims themselves internalize the blame and shaming.
It's often questioned why people stay in abusive situations. If it's not a matter of there being physical danger in escaping, why don't they walk away?
Well, I think "Other Women" provides one of the main answers. They stay, because the abuser brainwashes their victim to believe what they are experiencing is NOT abuse but instead rightful, needed punishment.
If you confront a toxic person about something they've done to hurt you, instead of apologizing...or ALONG with apologizing, they will point out the wrong that you have done. Sometimes they lie. They say you did things you never did. But other times, they tell the truth. You did do something wrong.
A strong-willed person would reply with something strong and clever like, Yeah. I did do that. But we're not talking about all that right now. We're talking about this. Let's stick to the subject and we can discuss your grievances against me later.
But instead what sometimes happens is the hurt person is successfully distracted. Their anger is replaced with guilt and self-doubt. They feel this guilt and self-doubt about the mistakes THEY made in the past, and they also feel guilt and self-doubt for bringing up what had bothered them.
Now, of course, if the so-called victim IS equally bad...or WORSE, that's a whole different story.
Like if June herself kidnapped women, separated them from their child, raped them, abused them, etc....would she be deserving of the same or equal fate? I'd say...yeah.
But she doesn't deserve that fate for having an affair with an unhappily married man or for wanting a family to help her escape extreme atrocities.
And maybe that's another thing to remember. It's not June who hanged the father and forced the mother to be a handmaid. She's not the one who committed these crimes, but Aunt Lydia convinces June to blame herself.
That's another tactic of toxic and abusive people. They'll admit to a wrongdoing but then put the blame on you.
I'm sorry I got so angry. You bring that out in me.
I'm sorry I'm so controlling. It's just that you.....
I'm sorry I hit you. It's just because.....
Yeah. We hanged that man, but it's because he was helping you. So it's your fault and you should now hate yourself and be eternally grateful to us.
It IS okay to feel guilt and regret...even if it's for small things and even if it's for things that are not actually our fault. This keeps us from being shitty people. But if we start to believe we deserve punishments that don't fit the crime or punishment for things that are not our fault, then....
Well, hopefully we'll soon come to our senses and regain our inner strength.
For those who don't know, the show is a dystopian tale where American women are raped and forced into surrogacy by infertile, Christian couples.
The women-handmaids-are not only raped but also separated from their families, shamed, threatened with hanging, punished with cattle prods, forbidden from reading, forced to give up their names, and must speak with each other in hyper-religious phrases.
In the first thirteen episodes of the series, June Osborne (Elizabeth Moss), one of the victims of the dystopia, is resourceful, brave, and defiant.
She knows all this shouldn't be happening to her or the other women. She knows the people who are doing this are the villains. She knows she needs to fight back the best that she can.
In the 14th episode, "Other Women" that changes.
In most episodes, we get flashbacks of what life was like for June in the Before Times. It shows how her world went from normal to things-are-getting-a-bit-crazy to shit-we-are-now-running-for-our-lives. The main thing in all this, though, was that June, her partner/husband? Luke (O-T Fagbenle) and their daughter Hannah (Jordana Blake) were happy together and loved each other.
In "Other Women" we are reminded of something we've been told before in small doses. Luke was a married man. June was the other women. We meet Luke's wife (Kelly Jenrette) for the first time and she is far from happy. We see her hurt and anger.
Whether we can have sympathy and understanding for the other women or despise them...I hope most of us would not believe they deserve to be kidnapped, raped, and emotionally and physically abused.
June remembers this transgression as her escape from hell fails.
This memory alone doesn't break her. It's a more recent transgression that throws her over the edge.
During her complicated almost-escape, one of the helpers, Omar (Yahya Abdul-Mateen II), gets news that makes him try to break away from the plan. He tries to leave June.
June insists on him helping her. And by insist, I mean she stands in front of his truck and refuses to let him drive away.
He reluctantly brings her home to his unwelcoming wife (Joanna Douglas). Why is she not welcoming? She doesn't want to risk her own family.
And it turns out it was quite a risk.
June later learns that Omar was murdered by hanging. And his wife now faces the same fate as June. She's been separated from her son and is now a handmaid.
The evil Aunt Lydia (Ann Dowd) a sort of headmistress of the handmaids, uses the news of the family's fate to get June to finally swallow the message that Aunt Lydia has been pushing thus far. This is that June is a bad person and what's happening to her is NOT abuse. It's a path to redemption.
At the end of the episode, we see June is no longer strong-willed and rightfully angry about her situation. Instead, she's completely meek.
I think in our own minds and within society that in order to be deserving of sympathy, we need to be perfectly innocent. We have to be 100% good...or at least 90% good in order to not deserve shit being done to us.
Another show I've been thinking about is Big Little Lies. Celeste Wright (Nicole Kidman) doesn't believe she's the victim of abuse. Why? Because she has hit her husband back. She has fought back.
That was actually eye-opening for me, because I don't think I had ever seen an abuse victim presented that way. I think, because of what I've seen in movies/TV/books, etc. the abuse victim is like June at the end of "Other Women". They're shown to be meek.
What happens in the media and the courts when a person becomes a victim of rape or another crime? Their past is brought up to show how they haven't always been so innocent.
The idea is if they've smoked pot maybe they're kind of deserving of being shot.
If they have a lot of sexual experience, maybe they deserved to be rape.
Or if we're not going to go as far as saying they deserve being shot or raped...maybe we're just going to give them a little or a lot less sympathy.
It's horrible for society to withhold sympathy and justice because the victim isn't perfect or completely innocent from wrongdoings.
Note here: I am NOT trying to say that being sexually experienced or smoking pot is a wrongdoing.
But we all have our morals and our own moral judgements.
Anyway....
What I was trying to say, before I interrupted myself, is that although it's horrible for society to withhold sympathy, I think what is worse and more dangerous is when the victims themselves internalize the blame and shaming.
It's often questioned why people stay in abusive situations. If it's not a matter of there being physical danger in escaping, why don't they walk away?
Well, I think "Other Women" provides one of the main answers. They stay, because the abuser brainwashes their victim to believe what they are experiencing is NOT abuse but instead rightful, needed punishment.
If you confront a toxic person about something they've done to hurt you, instead of apologizing...or ALONG with apologizing, they will point out the wrong that you have done. Sometimes they lie. They say you did things you never did. But other times, they tell the truth. You did do something wrong.
A strong-willed person would reply with something strong and clever like, Yeah. I did do that. But we're not talking about all that right now. We're talking about this. Let's stick to the subject and we can discuss your grievances against me later.
But instead what sometimes happens is the hurt person is successfully distracted. Their anger is replaced with guilt and self-doubt. They feel this guilt and self-doubt about the mistakes THEY made in the past, and they also feel guilt and self-doubt for bringing up what had bothered them.
Now, of course, if the so-called victim IS equally bad...or WORSE, that's a whole different story.
Like if June herself kidnapped women, separated them from their child, raped them, abused them, etc....would she be deserving of the same or equal fate? I'd say...yeah.
But she doesn't deserve that fate for having an affair with an unhappily married man or for wanting a family to help her escape extreme atrocities.
And maybe that's another thing to remember. It's not June who hanged the father and forced the mother to be a handmaid. She's not the one who committed these crimes, but Aunt Lydia convinces June to blame herself.
That's another tactic of toxic and abusive people. They'll admit to a wrongdoing but then put the blame on you.
I'm sorry I got so angry. You bring that out in me.
I'm sorry I'm so controlling. It's just that you.....
I'm sorry I hit you. It's just because.....
Yeah. We hanged that man, but it's because he was helping you. So it's your fault and you should now hate yourself and be eternally grateful to us.
It IS okay to feel guilt and regret...even if it's for small things and even if it's for things that are not actually our fault. This keeps us from being shitty people. But if we start to believe we deserve punishments that don't fit the crime or punishment for things that are not our fault, then....
Well, hopefully we'll soon come to our senses and regain our inner strength.
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