Both Sides Now

A song I have found cathartic lately is "Both Sides Now" by Jodie Mitchell.

I've kind of taken liberty with the lyrics to fit my situation and feelings...in a way that Mitchell probably didn't intend.

For me, the clouds are various media outlets/entities. 

Before the aftermath of October 7, these entities were "angel hair" and "ice-Cream castles in the air".

They brought me feelings of comfort, vindication, and validation.

They made me feel less alone.

At times, they felt like family.

In a way, they were my moral compass.

And now, too many of them have become "Rain and snow on...."

Well, not everyone.

But Jews.

Israel.

Anyone who supports Israel.  

***

Reading the lyrics...

Two parts really get to me:

A) It's cloud illusions I recall

I really don't know clouds at all

Because I don't know what to think of the clouds.  Are they mostly good and unfortunately infected with a bit of antisemitism.  Or has antisemitism been a major part of their substance all along?

B) Oh, but now old friends, they're acting strange

And they shake their heads and they tell me that I've changed

Well, something's lost but something's gained

In living every day

Well...minus the part about people telling me I've changed. No one has done that.

My life is full of rejection...both real and perceived.

It's hard for me to know for sure what's the usual rejection and what's antisemitism.

***

There's a part of me that's telling me that I'm being hypersensitive, and I shouldn't make assumptions.  And I don't know what's going on in people's lives.  Blah, blah, blah.

But with everything going on and the stuff I post on Instagram...I think maybe I actually have the right to make these assumptions and think the worse.

And I think I have fair reason to decide that I probably don't want these people in my life anymore.  If they decide to want to come back.

If they've been a bit antisemitic the past few months and then change their minds...do I want them back in my life?

If they're not antisemitic but are just oblivious or insensitive to how these times have been hard, and they haven't taken the time to reach out, do I want them back in my life?  

The answer I have to these questions right now might not be the same answer I have in a few weeks or few months.

***

My willingness to let these people back into my life (if they tried to return) are going to be determined by

A) My desire to be social (which is often low)

B) My hyper/misplaced empathy

C) My feelings of nostalgia (often high...especially when listening to music).

I might be very firm about wanting to kick someone to the curb.  Then I hear a song that reminds me of time we spent together...and suddenly my cold heart is thawed.  

***

I would like to keep my heart cold.

But just to those who deserve it.

Not to those who don't.

Sometimes I go the route of I'm-going-to-reject-you-before-you-reject-me.  I feel bad about that.  

***

Well...it's really more along the lines of, I feel someone backing away, so...simultaneously, I back away too.