Sensory Issues

I wake up, because of my bladder.

I get up and go to the bathroom.

Then I can't go back to sleep.

My underpants are too uncomfortable.

Sometimes even soft, lovely, easygoing clothes are too uncomfortable.

Sleeping on my back makes my clothes feel extra uncomfortable.  But I need to wear my noise-canceling headphones, because Tim is snoring.  I can't sleep on my side with my headphones on.

I think about how I can't solve my problems by closing the blinds and just being naked all the time. Because if I didn't have clothes, I'd be feeling the blankets or the furniture on my skin.

I'd have to stand all the time.  But I hate standing.

And also....

I'd feel the carpet on my feet or the dust on the floor.  Often I can tolerate those feelings. But sometimes I hate it.

I think about how, in the past, I would have these horrible hard-to-explain feelings of extreme discomfort.  I had thought maybe they were connected to my myoclonus...my abnormal brain waves, etc.  I start to wonder if I had been wrong and that maybe these were/are moments of extreme sensory intolerance.  Maybe even just being alive in human skin is sometimes extremely uncomfortable.  

Feeling all this and thinking about this makes me feel unhappy and hopeless. Tortured.

I remind myself that I don't always feel this way.  

Yes, my dry hands often bother me, and I keep having to put on lotion through the day....and also periodically during the night.

Yes. I am bothered a bit by my clothes...even when they are soft, lovely, easygoing clothes.

Yes, I am bothered by the fan making me too cold.

Or the fan-not-being-on-high-enough making me too hot.

Or the carpet rubbing against my toes.

Or my blanket feeling tight on my neck.  

Or my bladder feeling full even though I peed like thirty minutes ago. 

But when I'm busy, I can often ignore these feelings. 

And despite various discomforts, I do manage to often fall asleep.  And though it's not always easy for me to stay asleep (because of bladder, hungry cats, snoring, etc), I do often manage to get back to sleep.

Still, though....

Tonight I feel shitty.  

The blanket that failed to comfort me
earlier tonight, but usually I love it.
And though Annie wakes me up too much,
she usually brings me a ton of warmth
and comfort when she lies next to me.

How would our world change if we knew for sure there was life after death, and it was easy for our dearly-beloved to talk to us via the Internet?   

The Dead are Online, a novel by Dina Roberts