Friday, May 7, 2010

My Parents Accidentally Help Me Break a Stupid Rule

A few months ago, I decided I wanted to lose a little weight. Okay, honestly at that time I wanted to lose a LOT of weight. But I was trying to be healthy and reasonable.

I decided I COULD maybe lose weight without getting an eating disorder relapse thing. I just had to make a rule to prevent that. My rule was that if I got down past a certain weight, I couldn't buy any new clothes. So I could be as skinny as I wanted....I'd just have to use lots of safety pins or walk around naked.

Soon though, I scrapped that rule. I wanted to be thin again, but I doubted that would happen. There really didn't seem to be a need to stick with that clothes rule. I no longer have that eating-disorder willpower again. I have eating disorder desires sometimes. They last about ten minutes, and then I end up stuffing my face with chocolate, black licorice, or whatever is available.

So instead I went in the opposite direction. I made goals and prizes for weight LOSS. I made it to the first goal, and that prize was cutting my hair. I'm very happy with my self-done hair cut, and I'm fairly happy with my new weight.

My next goal was five pounds less. I guess I should convert that for nonAmerican readers....it's 2.27 kilograms. When I reached that, I could order books Australian books from Powells. I have a pretty long wish list going on there.

The problem is I haven't been able to reach that goal, and it's been months now. It COULD be because I get books elsewhere. I've gotten library books. My parents pass on books they've finished reading, and they bought me two books while they were in Australia. Also, if we go to regular used bookstores, and I see something I like, I buy it.

Maybe the problem is I haven't been strict enough with myself. If I said no more books period, I might be thinner. Or I might still weigh what I weigh, and just have nothing to read. I'd be severely punishing myself though. Is that necessary?

Anyway, this morning I received a surprise email. For Mother's Day, my parents sent me a present....a gift certificate to Powells, my favorite used bookstore. They have a ton of Australian books. I was so excited and overjoyed. Immediately, I thought I can break my stupid rule!

There's a part of me that thinks I should stick to the rule, and just use the certificate, instead of my own money, once I reach my goal.

But I think I'm going to be a naughty girl, and not do that. The whole goal thing wasn't working for me anyway.

I do want to lose the weight, and I'm working hard on it. I exercise a lot. I should probably eat a tiny bit less, and not eat so much junk. But I don't think dangling prizes over my head helps me much. I mean honestly.....when I had the eating disorder and lost a bunch of weight, there were no prizes. Now I'm offering myself prizes for weight loss, and the weight is staying on.

SO.....

I'm thankful to my parents for giving me such a generous and perfect gift. And I'm thankful to them for unknowingly helping me break my worthless rule. I could have probably just broken it on my own, but I'm not good at stuff like that.

I DID just break another rule on my own though. I'm feeling all nervous and guilty about it though. Last night I started thinking how it might be an awful long time before I get to order books from Powells. So I added another re-read to my books-to-read shelf. I'm very strict about that shelf. Once a book is on, I don't take it off. The book I added was I Find Australia by William Hatfield. I hadn't liked that book the first time, but I figured I should give it another chance.

I took it off.

And then in the middle of writing the above paragraph, I put it back on. What can I say? I'm very neurotic sometimes.

I guess breaking one rule this morning is enough. After breaking two rules, I felt a bit....out of control.

As for the weight loss. I'm going to keep exercising a lot. It keeps me sane. I guess it's my alternative to psychiatric drugs. But maybe I'll worry less about what the scale says. The thing is I've been unhappy with the size of my boobs. They suddenly seem small to me. And if I lose weight, they might get even smaller. Maybe I should GAIN weight, but exercise a ton. Then my body will be all slim and muscular, and my weight will all go to my breasts. Can you do that?

Probably not.

Oh, who cares. I can order books. So that's my super happy thought for now.


P.S-Jack made a video about our cats for a friend. If you want to watch it, here it is.