Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Can You Have A War Within Yourself?

I'm still reading A Fraction of the Whole by Steve Toltz.

Here's a quote I just came across. And of course it came across at the exactly right time for me.

It wasn't me, not exactly. It was one of my selves, one of the multitudes. Some of them laugh at me. Others bite their nails in suspense. One snots with derision. That's how they are, the multitudes. Some of the selves are children & some are parents. That's why every man is his own father and; his own son.

I think we ALL have multiple personalities. What separates most of us from a united states of Tara situation is that we don't have memory lapses when another personality takes over.

I think my personalities are constantly battling. And it's been especially bad lately. The problem is my different selves are such contradictions of each other.

So let's I'd divide them. I COULD give them cute little names. That would be fun. I think I'll skip it for now though.

1. Love-Everyone Dina. This is the self that is madly in love with everyone in the world. She think of everyone as being totally adorable. She like talking to them, reading their blogs, reading all their updates on Facebook. She wants wonderful things to happen to everyone she knows. This is the self that prays for people.

2. Hate-Almost-Everyone-Dina. This is my nasty intolerant self. She can sometimes manage to sort-of like some people, but has something negative to say about almost everyone. The only person she loves is Jack.

3. Hate-Dina Dina-This is the self that hates me. She constantly feels guilty about everything. She feels worthless and ugly....pathetic. She thinks the world would be better off her.

4. Love-Dina Dina-This is the self that loves me. She thinks I'm awesome, beautiful, and talented. She thinks the world is extremely blessed to have her.

5. Extrovert Dina-This is the self that updates Facebook, and blabs on and on and on in this blog. She's the one writing the entry right now. She opens up her heart and soul to people.

6. Turtle Shell Dina-This is the one that wants to hide from the world. This is the one that strongly believes in the motto, trust no one. This is the one that wants to immediately delete Extrovert Dina's Facebook updates. This is the one that doesn't want to write blog posts. This is the one that says why tell people your problems? They'll usually ignore you. And if by some miracle they don't, it's likely they'll say something hurtful that will make you feel worse.

Turtle Shell Dina and Extrovert Dina don't get along very well.

7. Attention-Seeking Dina-This is the self that loves seeing high numbers on Statcounter, and loves getting emails about her blog. This is the one who LOVES praise. She's desperate for attention. She has no problems making foolish videos of herself singing.

8. Leave-Me-Alone Dina-This is the self that gets nervous and teary-eyed when people say something nice to her. This is the self that gets nervous when she gets email. This is the self that dislikes criticism, but prefers it to compliments.

So now that I have divided and labeled all these parts of myself? How do I manage to have peace within myself?

Is it possible?

Are all people full of such contradictions, or am I unusual?

Hate-Dina Dina is saying, No one else is like that. You're a freak. AND you're a total loser.

Love-Dina Dina is saying. It's good to be that way. It might cause you turmoil, but it makes you more balanced.

Attention-Seeking Dina is saying. Hurry up and post this so people can come and read it!