Saturday, January 27, 2018

Thinking About Enough

After writing my last post, I did some thinking, and more thinking, and then even more thinking.

I want to say things, but I'm not sure what.

I think what I have is a problem with putting things in perspective. I think it's a self-esteem issue.

I'm not sure if my problem is super common or just common.

I'm not sure if I was simply born this way, or if I could lay most of the blame on my parents...sisters? Teachers? Classmates. A bad dream?

I too often think that I'm not enough.

I'm not thin enough, but I'm not fat enough to have a right to complain about my weight.

My eating disorder wasn't serious enough. Was it even an eating disorder?

I have a neurological problem maybe, but is it too small to matter? Am I being silly by talking about it?

Were all the traumas of my childhood too small to matter?

Am I talented enough?  If people are more talented than me, does that mean I'm not talented?

No, of course not.  But I feel that way sometimes. I see someone better than me, and sometimes that makes me feel I'm not good at all.

I look on Instagram and feel my food is not good enough. I haven't traveled enough. I'm not muscular enough. I'm not popular enough.  I haven't overcome enough.

You know what.  Holy Shit.  I just realized something awesome.

I AM enough when it comes to something.  I think I'm on the top of the scale.

I'm on the highest level when it comes to self-esteem issues.

Okay. Maybe I'm not on the highest level. But I'd put myself in at least the 80% percentile.

I'm wonderfully insecure. I'm often anxious and wondering if I'm a super good person, an okay person, or a horrible person.

I love myself, but the love is weak and volatile. One day I'm thinking I'm awesome and another day I'm feeling worthless.

I feel like I've just diagnosed myself with a borderline personality disorder.

Well...just went and read the symptoms.  If I got diagnosed and went to a support group, it would be yet another thing where I feel I don't measure up.  There would be someone in the group who has a much more dramatic case, and I'd be thinking, do I really have a borderline personality disorder? Do I have a right to be here?  I'd end up feeling inadequate for not cutting myself and not attempting suicide.

You know...maybe I'll just use mild as the keyword of my life. I might have a mild borderline personality disorder. I'm mildly overweight. I once had a mild eating disorder. I had mild traumas in my childhood. I have mild singing talent. Though I think there are random moments where my singing talent is way above mild.  But that COULD just be a delusion. And that's another thing.  I have mild delusions. I have mild hallucinations.  I might be having mild seizures. I am mildly talented at writing.  I have mild relationship problems. I'm mildly depressed. I'm mildly deformed. I'm a mild fan of a bunch of TV shows—I wouldn't measure up to many other people in the fandom. My blog is a mild failure.  I'm mildly unpopular on social media.  I have mild migraines....

I AM mild.

I need to learn to embrace that.