Tuesday, March 27, 2018

My Life in 1987 (Part 4)

I was thinking about something....

I'm being pretty damn selective about what I take from my 1980's diaries and put in my 2018 blog.

One thing, I realized, that I'm seriously neglecting is my relationship with my younger sister Melissa. I wrote about her a lot in the diaries, but I think I just took it for granted when reading the entries.  I think I've been ignoring the good times and, for the most part, taking notice of her only when I talk about our fights.

The truth is, Melissa and I spent so much time together. We watched movies together. We played acting games together. We played in the pool together. She was often my partner in my CF volunteer adventures.

I'm going to try to record more of this stuff.

Melissa and I got a frog. It's sick because it was in our "shocked" pool. (8/22/87).  Poor frog. This happened to me a few months ago. I rescued a frog from the pool, but had doubts he'd be okay.

I'm in love with Jon. (8/31/87)  WHO is Jon?  Is it the same Jon I mentioned in an earlier entry??

In English we had to stand up and say something about ourselves. I feel ignored because the teacher seemed totally uninterested about me. I miss middle school. (9/1/87). I've always been very sensitive about being ignored or people acting like they're not interested in what I'm saying. To be fair, though. I don't think it's completely self-centered, because I tend to notice other people being ignored as well.

I met a girl on the bus today. Her name is Jennifer. She's in tenth grade.  (9/2/87). Jennifer and I ended up becoming friends. She's pretty much the only person in high school I've seen since high school ended...though only three times.  And sadly, we're not in touch anymore.

I didn't get along with Dad today. He is always saying sick jokes and he has become so arrogant. Sometimes I laugh at his jokes not because they're funny but because I'm nervous. Tonight I started shaking and sweating. Then I felt like Heather was there in the room with me, Marni, and Melissa. (9/4/87). I'm more interested in the physical symptoms than the delusions. Or who knows. Maybe I WAS being haunted by a still-living horror movie actress.

Lately I've been thinking that I might have epilepsy. One theory is, I've recently acquired it for some strange reason.  But I think adult-onset epilepsy is fairly rare. My other theory is that I've had it all my life, and just never considered what I was experiencing were seizures. I've had so many weird symptoms—both physical and psychological. Of course, one could argue that my physical symptoms are caused by the psychological. But often neurological problems cause psychological problems. It's all connected in a back and forth kind of way.

Phone conversation between Marni and me:

Marni: I have to go to jazz today.

Dina: Oh well you'll love drama. It is so fun.

Marni: Well, I just don't want to go.

Dina: Well it's so fun and if you want to be a good actress you need to take it.

Marni-Well, I'll take it somewhere else.

Dina:What's the difference where you'll take it? 

Marni: Nothing. I just don't want to take drama.

Dina: Well if you want to be good at acting, you have to do so.

Holy shit!  I'm totally on Marni's side here.  Did I not realize how bitchy and controlling I was being?  And it gets even worse. I start insulting her acting. I tell her we'll be the worst in the class. Marni argues against that. She WON'T be the worse, because she puts a lot of feeling into her acting. I tell her it's not true.

However...then I write: I always compliment Marni but she never does it to me. (9/7/87).  I believe that. I can kind of remember Marni being that way.  I'm thinking maybe my whole conversation wasn't about getting Marnie to take acting classes but a passive-aggressive way to get back at her for not complimenting me as much as I complimented her.

I have a strange feeling. I feel like something big is going to happen. It involves the supernatural. (9/13/87). See...this is one of those things I feel MIGHT be seizure related.

And I don't want to discount the possibility that I was having a supernatural experience. I believe in all that. I'm open-minded. But I'm also skeptical. I like looking at things with multiple viewpoints.  I like considering all the possibilities.

But I have had random feelings—sometimes positive and sometimes negative. I often took them to be psychic but since usually nothing happened to validate my psychic feelings....I'm leaning towards the seizure explanation.

Example: One day I was thinking about the forest near the Beach Club Resort at Disney World, and I suddenly had this horrible feeling of dread.  It made me extra nervous about going to Disney World. I worried I was having a premonition.  But...nothing bad yet has happened to us at the Beach Club Resort. So....

My guess is that my brain goes all haywire at random times. Then I connect it to whatever I was thinking about at the time. So if I was thinking about hot dogs, I might have feared that someone I love was soon going to choke on one.

Sometimes I wish I either liked a guy or I was obsessed with someone like last year. I guess it's better that I'm not, though because last year I was always depressed. (9/30/87).  Yeah. Unrequited love usually brings more pain than joy. But still. In a way, it brings excitement to life.

Marni is doing great. She has made a lot of new friends and is not the geek anymore. The only thing is, she is ignoring me now. It's like she used me in 7th and 8th grade, because no one liked her. It's like she didn't like me for me but for the fact that I was the only friend she had.  (9/30/87).  A part of me is happy for Marni—that she escaped me. Though actually I think we go back to being friends again. And I don't want to put all the blame on myself. Yeah. I was passive-aggressive. But I think the thing is, Marni and I had tension because I was too self-deprecating and Marni was too arrogant. I'm sure I fished for compliments and Marni didn't oblige. And then, I think she used her self-confidence as a sort of shield, and that probably annoyed the hell out of me.

It's like when I dreamed about the ouija board. I woke up and remembered it and was very scared. Then I fell back asleep, and in the morning, I knew I had dreamed about a ouija board but I wasn't sure what about.  (10/6/87). Well...now I'm leaning away from epilepsy and more towards the supernatural. BECAUSE a ouija board would play a pretty big part in my teenage years.  But the skeptical side of me is suggesting it could easily have been just a coincidence.

Amy is reading my play and is liking it so far. I didn't expect her too. Keith read Nightmare 4. He liked it. And Wayne and Jennifer read Childless Town. They liked it. (10/13/87). I spent a lot of time writing during my teen years, and often asked classmates to read what I wrote. I was lucky in that there were a few people who actually seemed eager to read what I had written. I'm not sure if that was the case, though, with Keith, Amy, Wayne, and Jennifer.

I went to drama today. We did a scene from A Childless Town with Michelle and her mommy when Michelle finishes walking the dog. (10/15/87).  I do have vague memories of my drama class using my writing. It was probably an act of charity from the teacher. I was probably one of the worst actors in the class; so to restore my self-esteem, she probably allowed my writing to be used. And anyway, if a teenager brings their writing to class, how do you say, No we're not going to be using that?

I'm not trying to say I was a bad writer. I was probably fairly good...for my age. I'm just saying that the use of my writing in class isn't proof that I had exceptional talent.

I just watched Highway to Heaven with my grandma. It was a good one. It was about Michael Landon turning into a werewolf. Yesterday we got into a big fight. Melissa and I against Grandma Bea and Grandpa Ed. But now things have cooled down and it is kind of better because now they treat us like humans not angels.  (10/28/87).  I don't remember them ever treating us like angels.  I'm wondering if that was a mistake. Maybe I used the wrong word, because I had Highway to Heaven on my mind.

Last night I heard a baby crying. It was 5:00 in the morning. I got up, went to the bathroom, and everything. Then the next day I asked if everyone else had heard the baby and no one did. They say I dreamed it.  (11/3/87). Hallucination or haunted house?  I could go either way.  Or maybe there was a  baby outside, and the rest of my family slept through it.

I'm not doing anything for my birthday. I wanted to see Cats, but we couldn't, because Mom didn't want to see it twice. All I want to do is see one movie with my family but we can't because it's PG-13 and Melissa is ten. For some strange reason, though, Melissa is allowed to watch R-rated movies.  My mom says see it with a friend. Or Dad's to tired. Everything depends on what dad wants and they have no faith in me. (11/19/87).  If this was the beginning of a teen sitcom, in the end I'd be taken to see the play, the movie, AND I'd get a big surprise party.  But I don't think that actually happened. I wonder what movie I wanted to see....

And yeah, the thing about R-rated movies is so true. My ten-year-old sister was watching all sorts of horror movies with me at that age, and probably when she was younger as well. I don't remember my parents having any restraints on what we watched. So they probably should have come up with a more logical excuse in terms of why they couldn't take me to see what I wanted on my birthday.

I am on a boat. The boat is rocking and I can't understand the language spoken. Everyone speaks Spanish. (12/19/87).  This was our first family cruise. The first night we were shocked—shocked by the smallness of the cabins and shocked by how much the boat was rocking. I remember wanting to get out of there, BUT I think we were acting more comical about it than tragic. And in the end, we loved it. We became fans of cruises and went on more in the upcoming years.

This first cruise was one of my favorites because the ship was small. It felt close-knit. It kind of felt like camp-at-sea.  I'm not a big fan of the megaships—the ones where you rarely see the same people twice. I think it takes away some of the fun.

I can not stop crying! I wonder if the rest of the cruise people are suffering as I am.  Oh how unfair it is to become close to people, then lose them. It hurts to know I will never see them again. I feel like dying. I don't want to sleep because I'll dream I'm still on the boat and I'll be disappointed when I wake up. (12/26/87). I love the drama there.  It WAS hard, though...back in the day before social media. My nieces go on cruises now, and actually get to easily keep up with their new friends.  Of course we had snail mail back back then. And phones. I think I did some writing and calling, but it's hard to keep up with that.  Then again, I could easily still be close to long-distance friends now, and I'm not. We could email frequently, text, etc. But we don't. We rarely talk at all outside of occasionally commenting or liking each other's Instagram photos. So then it's kind of depressing because you know it's not a lack of convenience. It's about being a low priority to each other.