Tuesday, May 22, 2018

The Bad Place

I'm feeling depressed this morning.

I think I have felt off and on depression for the last year or so.

When I say off and on, I mean some hours of the day I feel awful and then other hours I feel fine.

I think maybe I feel worse in the morning. Or at least these past two mornings, I've felt worse.

That makes me wonder if my dreams are playing a part in it. Or it could be that the hormones and other chemicals in my body are in a bad state in the morning.

I don't know. 

Anyway, I'm going to list some of the reasons I feel depressed...or really a list of things that are bothering me. I'm not sure if they're actually causing the depression.

I say some, not all, because I figure I'll end up forgetting some stuff.

A) I'm so physically ugly.  If you don't believe me,  here's a recent photo that my nephew took of me. I look hideous.  Okay. It's a bad picture. Yeah. The problem is, lately in photos I either look hideous or mediocre. I miss being beautiful.

B) I feel guilty about worrying about my appearance.

C) I'm eight pounds overweight

D) I have little hope that losing weight will help my appearance, because before I gained all this weight, I was also ugly.

E) I'm tired of waiting to hear from the neurologists or referral company. All this hassle is more stressful than my actual symptoms

F) My symptoms have been on hiatus for the past couple of days, so then I feel I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I feel ridiculous. Fortunately I write down most of my symptoms, so I can read that and remind myself that these things actually happen to me. 

G) I feel one of my cats (Annie) is mad at me. I started reading about tail behavior and am now noticing Annie almost never has her tail raised when she's around me. Tail up means happiness. Tail down means unhappy things.

She does still purr around me. She follows me sometimes and she calls out for my attention. So I don't think she hates me or is indifferent to me. I think she's just mad that I brought a new cat into the house. 

H) I worry Annie and Yeti will never be friends. I worry Yeti will have to be kept closed off in a room his whole life. Or we'll let him go free range and Annie will end up with severe anxiety. 

I) I worry about a shitload of other things involving the health, safety, and future of other people.

J) I feel like a nag because I have to keep pestering other people about these certain things.

K) This morning, I read two journal entries, from two different time periods, and in both I felt incredibly rejected.  While reading about those past experiences, I felt rejected all over again.

L) Close to no one reads my blog. So I'm pretty much just talking to myself right now. That makes me feel lonely and rejected. 

M) I feel self-centered because most of my depression is about myself and people close to me. I've been paying less attention to what's happening in the world lately.  Or really...I still know about it. But maybe it's more like I've become numb.  I just expect people to be disgustingly racist. I just expect misogynist assholes will go on shooting sprees. I just expect that psychopaths and narcissists will continue to physically, emotionally, and sexually abuse those who have less power than them.

N) I haven't won HQ even once! And we've been playing since February.