Wednesday, May 2, 2018

My Life in 1995 (Part 2)

The diaries continue....

Ryan and Matthew aren't mad anymore. I was so upset all day and he never called. Then finally I decided to call. We had a long talk and I cried. Then we made up. (1/21/95)

I cry less during interpersonal drama these days.

I think one thing that's different from me now and me then is, I don't often let the feelings completely take over my life and/or day. I try to keep my mind on other things, and I try not to let it totally sink my self-esteem.

These days, if I'm worried that someone is mad at me, it's usually kept in the back of my mind. I think about it now and then, but I don't let it destroy me.

I decided today that my role model is Catina, and Matthew is the friend I've always wanted to have. (1/22/95)

I think what I had longed for was the type of friend you could always call and the one who made you feel you didn't have to worry about making plans.

Before Matthew I think there was that sense of, what am I going to do tonight? Who am I going to do it with? Should I call them? Should I wait for them to call me? If I go to this apartment, will the people there think I'm a pest? What if no one wants to be with me?

I think there came a point with Matthew that it was a given we'd be hanging out together. It wasn't, should I do something with Matthew? It was, what will Matthew and I do tonight? Will anyone else join us? 

I was so happy today because spray and wash got my stains out. That was the best thing of the day. (1/22/95)

I still am happy and grateful for small blessings like that. For example, sometimes I feel I'm going to clog the toilet. Then when I flush and everything goes down okay, I'm so relieved and grateful.  

Matthew called and I didn't answer the phone because I am still sort of mad at him. I am also mad at Hagit. I feel angry that they chose a movie I didn't want to see and wouldn't compromise.

I think if it was more than 6 people, and one person didn't want to see a movie; then it is the right thing for them to compromise. 

But with four people, you'd think you could find a way to make everyone happy. (1/25/95)

A part of me is thinking my dad had been right in calling me selfish.

Another part of me can understanding my complaint. I imagine it's not just about being stuck seeing a movie I didn't want to see, but the feeling that my feelings didn't matter to the group.  

It all depends, though, on how things usually worked out. Did we usually find things to see and do that pleased all of us? Was someone else's wishes often ignored, and I didn't notice? Or did I ignore their wishes, because it went against my own?

I think it's fine to notice unfairness as long as we are as eager to notice when someone else is the victim of the unfairness.  

I have 2 weird bumps on my head and a bump on my neck. I feel my whole body is falling apart. (1/25/95)

I remember worrying that they were tumors. Yet it took me a fair bit of time to go to the doctor. When I finally did, he diagnosed me with Cat Scratch fever. I think I was skeptical about the diagnosis, but the antibiotics cured me.  So....

Joanna barfed all over her room this morning and she had her door wide open for us to see it. (1/28/95)


I think I have blocked out these vomit traumas.

I used to think I remembered every bad thing I saw, encountered, experienced, etc. But now these diaries are proving me wrong.

I have a phobia of vomit, so I think I'd remember these things!

I went to church with my roommates and was very impressed. Everyone was so nice and they sang pretty. (1/28/95)

I'm glad I finally went, but I wish I had gone for Catina's speech.

OR was it for Catina's speech?

I don't know.  I would have probably mentioned it. Right?  

I just looked back in the diary. It was on the 17th that I mentioned Catina wanting me to go to church to hear her speak. That was only 11 days back, so maybe that IS the reason I went. I hope so.

I've never loved anyone like Matthew. In a way I feel like he is my twin brother. (2/4/95)

I think reading about all my Matthew love has taken away my bad feelings towards him.

During the beginning of the MeToo drama, I remembered telling him one of my experiences. And I remembered him laughing.

It's not even mentioned in the diary, though, so now I'm starting to self-gaslight. 

I need to make sure not to take the diaries as gospel. 

I believe my past self because I've always been very honest. But that's honesty in terms of not-making-things up. As for lies of omission; that's a different story.

Joanna says she is moving out. I feel bad for her, but I think she is a coward. A little tension between her and Catina and she's gone. She says she doesn't like being somewhere where she is not wanted. 

I went through complete shit last year and I didn't leave. (2/6/95)


Who is the one with the most courage—the one that stays or the one that quits?

I don't think there's an easy answer to that.

But I definitely don't share my past views.  I don't see my decision to stay in a bad roommate situation as superior to Joanna's decision to leave. 

Charles told me to come with him to have a talk and he wanted to know if I broke up with him because I thought he was trying to fix me. 

I said no.

Then he said he had something to tell me, but he was not going to tell me until I am about to leave. 

That bothers me, because I know he'll forget and I'll always wonder. (2/8/95)

I vaguely remember this, and I also remember that I never got to hear the big secret.

I kind of thing there was no big secret, and it was just part of a manipulative game.

Matthew was being very annoying tonight. He kept picking on Ryan, and when he came over he started going through my medicine drawer. 

Worse yet is he started flipping through my underwear drawer and took out my underwear. 

I thought that was very very very very rude.

Sometimes he just really gets on my nerves, and other times I think he is the greatest thing alive. (2/10/95)

I feel myself wondering what would happen if Matthew and I reunited—either online or in person. Is there any chance we'd be friends again? Close friends? Or would it just be awkward and/or disappointing?