Monday, May 7, 2018

My Life in 1995 (Part 3)

It's time for a new diary—the last one I owned.

It has a bunch of cat stickers in the beginning. I wonder if someone gave them to me; or did I buy them for myself?

Last night I had a lot of fun. We played games at Dan F.'s house. 

It was me, Ryan, Matthew, Dan, and Phillip K. 

After we played, we had a long discussion about religion, our childhood, and head injuries. (2/12/95)

Another night where I was the Smurfette in the situation. 

As for head injuries, Dan endured one, and so did my sister. So that's probably why we talked about it.

I gave Matthew his present. Sometimes, and more lately, he's been acting like a spoiled brat. I feel as though he expects too much out of me. As if I'm just supposed to be all these things to him and shower him with love, gifts, and attention. He does give me a lot, but sometimes I don't know. (2/16/95)

I'm not sure what my deal was there. I wanted a lot from Matthew as well. We probably made a good pair. 

Tonight, after studying Judaism for my test, I envisioned my life written as a Bible. The Book of Preschool, The Book of Poltergeist, The Book of Cystic Fibrosis, The Book of Becky F. The Book of Writing. The Book of the Accident. The Book of Judaism. The Book of David. The Book of Jesse.

And now, the Book of Matthew, of course. (2/20/95) 

I can't believe I didn't include the The Book of The Exorcist, The Book of The Ouija Board, The Book of the Cruise, etc.

And why did Jesse and David get a whole book, but there's no book for my actual ex-boyfriend, Mike!

Yesterday and this morning I was feeling very depressed. Now I am feeling a little better. I am listening to Jesus Christ Superstar. (2/22/95)

I get random waves of depression. They're strong but not debilitating, because they don't last long. I wonder if I had the same things back then.

I skipped my first class this morning because I was tired and depressed. I need some more sleep. I think part of the reason I was depressed is because I was so tired. (2/22/95)

Yeah. Tiredness can do it to you.

Today was weird...very weird.  I had weird nostalgic dreams about playing with Colorforms and then we went to see The Brady Bunch movie. It made me sad in a Brady Bunch kind of way. (2/24/95)


Well, anyway seeing the word Colorforms, just now, gave me a lovely nostalgic feeling.

I think I had Sesame Street Colorforms when I was a child.

I just Googled and found a whole website about the history of Colorforms.  Awesome!

Well...never mind.  It's actually the website of the Colorforms company. I think the main purpose is to sell their current Colorforms.

Now I'm looking on Ebay. They have a lot of Sesame Street Colorforms. I'm not sure which one we had.

I think Rabbi K. is a real asshole. He wrote on my last page of my test that it was extraneous. His damn cocky attitude is extraneous. (2/24/95)

Oh God! What would the rabbi think if he saw some of my blog entries! I think I'm the queen of extraneous writing.

It was an awful week and last night was another night of despair and terror. Matthew and I got in a fight. He was going to Tennessee Tech and we got in a fight about that and everything. Then we made up somewhat and he said he called but he never did so I thought he was killed. (2/26/95) 

Why was I mad about him going to Tennessee Tech? I hope I wasn't being controlling about what school he attended.  

Well, I just looked, and the school was more than an hour away from where we were. So there'd be a separation. I think there was some co-dependency going on there.

Matthew and I made up. He called me 3 times yesterday. I finally called him back and he was super nice. He said I didn't need to apologize for getting angry. (2/25/95)

If I was angry about his choice of school, I DID need to apologize. But maybe the situation was not what I'm thinking it was.  

I talked to the CF room on the computer. They were nice, but I found out who in Georgia died. Chris S. and Cyndi C. died. Then some other people who I'm not sure if I knew. I think it is too depressing and I don't know if I want to go back. (3/2/95)

It was a CF chat room that eventually led me to getting together with Tim. I wonder if this was the room?

What happened is the chat room transcripts were sent to people on a mailing list. Tim's mom saw it, and I...

I don't remember exactly. Maybe she wrote to me and then suggested I write to her four sons because  they had gone to the camp. Yeah...I think that's what happened.

I don't want any friends. I don't want to live anymore. The only reason I stay alive is because I don't want to hurt my family.

I don't want to be friends with Matthew anymore. I can't stand Ryan or Luke anymore.

I hate Matthew right now and would rather never speak to him again.

I am mad at God. I am so sick of this life and the pain.

I want to be forever alone.

I am sick and tired of all this.

I wish I could go to sleep tonight and never wake up. I think I will stop eating because it is a slow suicide and maybe not so bad.  I don't think I can forgive Matthew, not after what he has done. (3/4/95)

Oh Lord. Now what happened?

The only thing I remember Matthew doing to make me mad (besides laughing when I needed him to be supportive) is he chose to go to some Jewish event rather than my graduation. Would I have actually been that depressed over that?  Or maybe there is something else I blocked out?

Some woman on AOL has really helped me tremendously. She helped me realize that my main problem is that I worry people will leave me and I get in bad moods to test people. She made me realize if people leave, screw them.  (3/5/95)

Thank you, AOL-Woman! I think what she said was very true, and I think her advice was helpful.

I'm not sure if I followed it at that point, but I think I've followed it for the last decade or so.  

I don't worry much about rejection, and when it happens, I feel minimal pain.  

I STILL test people but not in the form of going into bad moods to see if they're going to abandon me or not.

I've been thinking about testing people lately. I know this will probably sound awful, but I'm not against it.  I think as long as it doesn't involve cruelty and dishonesty, it can be helpful. I think the big mistake, though, is testing someone and then confronting them about it. This only gives them the chance to lie, gaslight, explain their way out of things, etc.  

I think if we're going to test, we should accept the answer we're given. If we're still unsure, we can always retest on a different date.

I should probably give an example.

Let's say you have a friend with whom you often text. You start to get the idea that you are always texting her first. You wonder if she even cares about you. Or is she just too polite to ignore your texts?

So you decide on a test. You're going to refrain from texting her. If she doesn't text back, she probably doesn't care that much about you. If she does text back, she probably had just gotten used to you taking the initiative.  

You stop texting her.

You used to talk about every other day.

Now it's been two weeks since you've talked.

I think the best thing to do is conclude that your friend really doesn't care about you. It's time to move on.

But if you instead text your friend and pour out your feelings about feeling unloved and taken for granted; it's likely she'll bullshit you with fake reassurances.  

If there's another reason besides lack-of-love that has prevented her from texting, you'll learn about it eventually, and you can work from there.

Anyway, I'm giving this advice only because I've failed with it so often!  But I'm going to TRY and change that.  

Back to the bad mood thing, though. I think that would be unethical...if done on a conscious level.  If you sit there and say, I'm going to act like a shitty person and see if anyone still loves me; than you deserve to be left.

With me, I don't think it was an actual conscious choice.  OR....

Well, I don't think my bad moods were fake and/or deliberate. I think it was more like I'd be in a bad mood, BECAUSE I felt insecure and had self-esteem issues. I think the tests were more on a subconscious level.  

I know a young child who has behavior issues.  I once saw him misbehave and cause a whole drama at a restaurant. My heart was hurting for him, because I could understand and relate to those feelings.  It's like you want to behave and act like a delightful person, but there is something inside of you that's pushing you to stay in the monster-zone.  It's SO hard to get out.

Fortunately, the child has a mother that is usually very caring and supportive.  I think because of that, the child was able walk away from the dark-side. We were able to end the meal on a happy note.