Thursday, September 13, 2018

The Flowery Journal My Sister Gave Me (Part 17)

More journal stuff.

This page is about my college years.

The blue is what's printed in the journal and the green is what I wrote (probably in 1996)

The end of high school marked a new period in my life. I had decided to-be very friendly and meet many new people. I also worked on flirting more and not being so shy with guys. I also planned special studying strategies to get better grades.

That was one of the nice things about college. You could reinvent yourself.

I went from being a shy, awkward student with mediocre grades and turned myself into an outgoing, probably-still-awkward  student with very good grades.

With social media, I'm not sure that's the case anymore.

People might be able to Google and see what you were like in the past.

Though if you're shy in offline settings, you might also be shy on social media. You might not have a super active Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook, Twitter, YouTube channel, etc. OR you might participate on social media but use an alternate name. I'm picturing people on message boards. Does that count as social media?

How I felt about these changes-Eager and excited, or do these two words mean the same thing? I worried a little about being homesick, but I was never really homesick despite what my parents often thought.  

Decades later, I still continue to make the mistake of using two similar words to express my point.

I don't remember my parents assuming I was homesick. Did they say things?

I'm guessing I was somewhat homesick at times. Like after a bonding-type vacation with my family? I would imagine it would be hard to say good-bye. Although maybe most vacations had more drama than bonding.

I remember the one time in my adult life that I was very homesick. That was when I moved to New York. College is temporary. New York felt so final and...real.

But it ended up not being final. I moved back home five years later. By 2003, my whole family was living in the same metroplex.

I was most excited by the prospect of-all the different classes I could take. I love looking through the registration bulletin and choosing my classes for the semester. I also looked forward to meeting a lot of guys because I was gaining more confidence in that area.  

I think I had a nice mixture of social and academic dreams.

But most worried about-I was worried about being homesick and worried about getting along with my roommates.

I had good reason to worry about the latter. I often didn't get along with my roommates.

Deep down, I really felt that-I would have a great time. I was overwhelmed by the freedom. I was a little nervous about meeting people, though.

My parents were rarely strict about anything, so I doubt the freedom was about a lack of rules. It was probably more about freedom from being judged by my parents and two sisters.

BUT as I would soon learn from a sociology class, we are never truly alone and we are never free from judgement. Our family and community, even if far away, continue to exist inside our head.

I doubt that there's a day that goes by where I don't feel judged by my sisters and parents. Even if they don't say anything!  Even if I don't tell them what's going on.

New Experiences and challengers-This is the first time I had a social life. I was out very late almost every night. In terms of guys, I seemed to "fall in love" with a new one every month. Also. a lot of guys liked me, but not the ones I liked.

That is not true about first time having a social life. I had an active social life in preschool, elementary school, middle school, and parts of high school.  I think it was just from 10-12th grade that my social life had been seriously lacking.

Was I happy with myself-I was happy about being social but I was aware that I liked my friends more than they liked me and that our relationship was extremely superficial. It was fun, though. The deeper relationships came later.


What deeper relationships?

Am I referring to Tim?

I don't remember having any real friendships in the years after college. Besides Tim...and my sisters.

I'm so lost.

Seriously. At our wedding? My bridesmaids were my sisters and sister-in-law. That's it. There were no deep friendships.

The only thing I can think of is that I had been referring to college friendships in my first year of college versus my college friendships later on. There HAD been a difference there.

New friends and experiences-Kirsty, Neil, Rolando, Jesse, Nick, Gerhart, Carmen, Doug, Luke, Shali, Susan, David, Jennifer, Austin, Russ, Edward, Missy, Chris, Matthew.

There are some glaring omissions there.

The mysterious Dana is missing. When I read through my old diaries a few months ago, I found that I often mentioned a girl named Dana, and I had no memory of her. Well, it seems she left my memory as early as 1996.

Another missing person is Joanna, which is nuts because Joanna was the one of the few people who I kept in touch with after college. She came to visit me in New York, and she came to our wedding.