Saturday, April 3, 2010

Sad Australian News and Very Happy Kiwi news

As I've mentioned, my parents recently went on a cruise to Australia and New Zealand. They communicated with us periodically through email.

In one of the emails, my dad wrote, I understand more fully Dina's passion for the Aussies. I hope one day she gets acquainted with the Kiwis.

I wasn't exactly sure how to interpret that, but I did my best to reply.

I said....Don't really have the energy to do a Kiwi blog. But I'm very fond of a couple of Kiwi actresses and have a kiwi friend. Plus. I have a Kiwi nephew. Does that count? I also used to do very well on a NZ map quiz....not sure if I remember anything though.

The Kiwi nephew refers to the fact that my sister and her husband give their yet-to-be-born children tropical fruit names. Javier was Kiwi, and their coming attraction is Papaya. I'm thinking they should name kid #3 Durian. No, I'm joking.

The Kiwi actresses I was referring to are Anna Paquin and Jessica Napier. I had a little crush on Napier, and lately I've been crushing on Paquin. I think she's one of the most adorable creatures put on this planet.

Anyway, when I made the t-shirts a few weeks ago, one of them said I'd turn gay for Sookie Stackhouse. Sookie Stackhouse is the character that Anna Paquin plays on True Blood.

So here I was wearing the shirt and sitting at my computer.

I was crying about Sonia McMahon because I have a special place in my crazy heart for that family. And then on the McMahon news article, there was a link to an article about Anna Paquin.

Paquin has come out of the closet! She's bisexual. This has totally increased my delusions that I have a chance with her. Maybe my dad's hope can come true, and I'll get acquainted with a Kiwi....a very specific Kiwi. Yeah. I know. And pigs will fly. But a girl can dream....right?

I can't honestly say I'm bisexual. I'm more bicrushual. But honestly. If the universe granted me a chance with Anna Paquin, I would MAKE myself bisexual. I think most of us are somewhat bisexual anyway. It's just about finding that part of yourself and letting it blossom.

Anyway, the irony of me wearing this shirt while finding out Paquin is bisexual totally cracked me up. I ended up in that state of laughing and crying at the same time. I kind of love doing that, because it symbolizes the fact that life is a mixture of sadness and silliness.

Tonight as I go to sleep, I shall think happy thoughts about Sonia McMahon reunited with her husband. And I shall thank the universe for blessing us all with the beauty of Anna Paquin.


  1. That's pretty funny stuff. I hope you and Anna will have a chance for big bisexual lesbian love.

  2. Laura,

    Thank you! I appreciate your support. I'll invite you to the wedding...although I have to find a place in which bigamy is legal.

  3. Oh well...I guess I could just have a love affair. Why legalize it? I can do this informally.

  4. not sure if the kiwi is really a tropical fruit- it is the chinese gooseberry isn't it and china isn't exactly tropical!!!?

  5. Zhen,

    You're absolutely right. A kiwi wouldn't be tropical. Maybe my sister and husband were going for exotic fruits? But kiwis hardly even qualify for that anymore. They're pretty common here now.

    I didn't know Kiwis were gooseberries! I feel all educated now. Thanks : )

  6. G'day and Congratulations! According to Google this is the only page on the Interwebs employing the TOTALLY useful word "bicrushual"! I coined the word for myself quite to my own chagrin(!) a few months ago, but only now got around to looking it up. It's not even in the Urban Dictionary ...yet! ;)

  7. Leanne W.


    You and I are totally ahead of the times!

    If it goes into the urban dictionary; can we get royalty payments? No, I guess not. But we should. That would be nice.

  8. Well, if we came up with a product/service/business/organization/URL, we could try to trademark or otherwise register the name with the relevant government authorities... but then we'd have to be prepared to defend it if sued. And since it IS a relatively useful adjective -- kind of like Fox News tried with "fair and balanced" -- we'd have a tough case -- as they did.

    Rats! Another small-biz idea down the old hopper. Not to be confused The Hopper(TM) LOL!

    I've obvz given this way too much thought already LOL! :)

  9. Leanne W,

    Well, at the very least you and I should become super famous for coming up with the word. We should be in history books, and there should be a museum to honor us.

    Okay...MAYBE that's asking a little too much.

    Can someone at least write a song about us?

  10. We've probz given some bored folksinger plenty to work with already! Especially you, of course!

    Wait -- that probably sounds better in my head than it looks onscreen....

    I meant your OP of course!!!

    You, pining away for Anna and making T-shirts; me questioning myself about liberal cable pundit-dudes and gay weathermen.... OMG, it's "Diversity"! We may have a hit on our hands, Dina! "The Ballad of Dina and Leanne Discover Bicrushuality"! OK, OK, maybe the title needs a little work...!

    ...Then there'll be a folkie music video - the first ever!! - where actresses pretend to be us in the background while she sings... a Making Of video... an NPR interview, talk-show appearances, joint hosting of Saturday Night Live... at least 2 behind-the-scenes tell-all books... a Lifetime movie... festivals... "merch"... a web forum with "apps" and a hacking scandal involving a clergyman... a "based-on" fictionalization movie on "OWN" featuring composite characters... a big thing on the National Mall... Congressional testimony... a meeting at the White House... the lecture circuit... you move Down Under, I move to Marin County... a scary illness (Not saying who.)... a tax-evasion scandal... a fan-girl stalking trial [Fan-girls press charges when one stalks them, for some reason - How embarrassing!]... a non-competitive video game for bicrushual girls to help find themselves... we'll sue each other but later reconcile... weird rumors real and planted for publicity purposes... partner difficulties, then we'll have a clone together with the consent of our partners (Just cheek-swabs - How ironic!)... a Bicrushual Cloning Constitutional Amendment to keep our clone embryo from being deported... a drunk driving arrest (Not saying who.), leaked compromising photos on Instagram, a bankruptcy, a Dick Gregory intervention... an infomercial with Hammer, a trip into orbit, rehab, a series of recovery videos ("But wait! There's more!"), an Alien Autopsy documentary, a shock-therapy camp for teens like our clone(?), an American Express ad ("Do you know us?!")... a CGI David Frost interview on The BBC/America/Australia... a sequel song, Comeback Tour Festivals, medpot in luggage and a diplomatic rescue by Former New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson... a PhotoShop scandal involving a clergyman(?)... we try _our_ hands at that singing/songwriting/video-making thing but it only gets played on Dr. Demento... SCUD missile in luggage and Richardson on speed-dial... an embarrassing rap/breakdancing concert together... _Either_ Princess of Sweden comes Out as crushing on me (I'm still on the fence about guy-crushes at that point), and she and I establish a legally-recognized, non-exclusive crushual relationship in Luxembourg(?), followed by uncomprehending excommunications by her and my Churches... a political endorsement and controversy (Not saying who.)... and then it starts all over again NEXT week with a racy but tasteful Cosmo cover - her, you, our folksinger, and me: "Is A Crush Cheating? A Retrospective"!

    Ain't success grand?!?!?!

    (Too much...? We can scale it back....)

  11. Scale it back?

    Are you nuts? I want it all...even the song title. It's simple and to the point.

    You'll have to take the drunk-driving bit. I'm bad at both driving and drinking.

    I'll take the disease, but it has to be rare, terrifying, and exciting. Like..the bubonic plague. Extra points if it evolves into something that can't be fought off with antibiotics, and I start a pandemic.

    Of course the pandemic will be quickly be brought under control, so we can get to the clone bit of the story. That's my favorite thing in all of this. And I love the clone camp.

    I also look forward to the rap/breakdancing scandal.

    I'm wondering if you currently have a thing for a Princess of Sweden. Or are you projecting that in the future, you'll have a thing. No...wait. I read it again. She has a thing for you. Maybe she'll help us with the bankruptcy thing. Or she'll help you, at least. But then you should help me since I'm the other mother of our clone child. I don't want to have to take you to court. We have enough stuff going on in our lives.

    For the comeback tour, I think we should do our first concert at the clone camp.

  12. #1 of 2 or 3... depending on how Blogger decides to count my characters....

    OMG! Are you my twin sister separated at birth?! We share a brain, Dina! I have GOT to read more of this blog!!! :)

    Still waiting on my Urban Dictionary "peer review." I think my previous one came back in like 18 milliseconds, so this one might not be good. On the plus side my "peer" is no longer a machine. Or that may be the down-side. Not really sure. Anyway, I plugged your blog as the first record of "bicrushual" online, but they wouldn't let me include the address, so I could only allude to it really directively, e.g., "Google bicrushual. It's Hit #1 of 1." Or words to that effect LOL. Methinks they're not super worried about our Intellectual Property.

    Ah! I fell for Crown Princess Victoria about a decade ago when I stumbled upon a fan site of theirs. (Actually of interest to yourself would be a photo I remember of an official visit she made to Australia, where she's trying to hold a koala - Sooo cute! The little bear, too...) Younger sis Princess Madeleine (sp?), then about 17, grew on me over the years, too, as she matured. I think they're both married now, alas. I think both studied in NYC, too, so they're probz OK in English. Can you imagine royalty speaking English with a Brooklyn accent?!: "Yo! I SAID, awf wit huh head! I gotchya 'Waitaminit' right heah!" Like Rosie O'Donnell crossed with The Muppets' Swedish Chef.

    Ideally Vickie -- I call her Vickie (in my own mind) -- is the one who crushes on me, cuz she'll be Sweden's first ruling Queen or something, since they changed the rule that her younger brother jump ahead of her in the Succession just cuz he's a boy. I feel like my "Royal Crush" [Pls tell me you saw that coming!] would certainly like to help us, since "bicrushual" helped her truly discover herself... but it'd be a little awkward at first, so I'd have to play coy for a split second, before being overwhelmed with gratitude and doing that standing jump where I wrap my legs around her waist and my arms around her neck -- the flying hug, you know? the one that gives me the chance to type, “I wrap my legs around her waist and my arms around her neck” LOL!

    I'm so bad at drunk driving that one New Year's Morning I was tooling down icy-slush-covered but empty Route 17 in Paramus, NJ, near the mall, around 3am, at like 7 mph, nodded off, and woke up when my front bumper ever so slightly tapped the Jersey barrier. Somehow I had turned sideways in the middle of an 8-lane highway... T-boned it! A totally scary but non-event: I pulled into the United Jersey Bank parking lot & did calisthenics till I filled my lungs with enough cold, fresh air to get my still-shaking butt home safely! NEVER did that again.... *I* could've been T-boned! I WILL do a "CBS Cares" celebrity public service announcement about it for the people!


  13. #2 of 3

    Celebrity Superbug-bonic Plague?! I think we have the makings of another hit movie on our hands, girlfriend!! And the even-happier ending when our clone 'takes' in the test tube! In a box next to the closing credits she develops in time-lapse webcam footage in an aquarium/artificial womb on the mantel in the waiting room in our corporate office in Tahiti, halfway between California and Australia so we both commute there by supersonic helicopters a couple times a week to work and be with our daughter... under a heatlamp... fed daily and protected by our resident Exec VP who is an embryologist/publicist/martial artist... who in a scene not included in the movie itself, manages to nonviolently but assertively tie in actual pretzel-knots a clergyman who breaks in and tries to smash the aquarium and kill our daughter, and is dealt with by Native Tahitian restorative justice, has a change of heart, develops a guy-crush on Ron Jeremy, and the two crush happily ever after, naked in Tahiti! Closing shot: you, me, the baby, our partners, the beach, palm trees, sun, surf; and in the background, the Rev. chasing Ron across the sand, tripping over Ron's Thing -- laughy closure!

    The camp is for teens with drug-resistant depression cuz other kids bully them for having parents who only had _crushes_ on each other, and cloned them into this world. It's a secret camp cuz electroshock is un-PC besides, but in that supportive atmosphere, cures their depression PLUS leaves them with residual electric charge enough to shock anyone who attacks them (non-lethally but persuasively)! Folks can only hear about it thru word of mouth, so it's expensive, but Medicaid covers it after we get Congressman Paul Ryan and Pres. Obama to realize they have secret guy-crushes on each other! Moments after Obama's successor is sworn-in (Not saying who.), the 2 of them come Out as bicrushual and reveal the camp to the world at a fundraising, sympathy-evoking telethon from the Lincoln Memorial. They insist we get on stage and sing our own song from Dr. Demento, which unexpectedly takes off and spends 6 months at #1 on every Billboard chart. For the symbolism, July 4 is our first concert, streamed live from the camp, with alumni/ae, Obama and Ryan, singing backup and holding hands behind us.... Then there's the Bicrushual World Tour, the groundbreaking show in Saudi Arabia, the Command Performance before Queen Vickie in Luxembourg, Pope Francis joins us on stage in Rome, the Grammies, the joint Nobel Peace Prize, the "rockumentary" of the Tour, the fundraising Ben & Jerry's flavor (dairy-free but still rich and yummy), the acoustically perfect LIVE album from Sydney Opera House....


  14. (Now for the exciting conclusion to this installment!)

    ...World Peace breaks out when Bi-Crushes don't wanna fight anymore, the Grey mothership unexpectedly lands during our TV concert special at Uluru and thank you and me for our surprisingly-sensitive (yet highly-rated and critically-acclaimed) Alien Autopsy show, then give humankind something for climate change/hunger/violence/mental illness/poverty/exploitation/the Battle of the Sexes/old-age deterioration/meteors/The Light-speed Barrier/the common cold/Bad Hair Days: Tragically, this rarest and most sophisticated device in the known universe bears an uncanny resemblance to a mosquito, and while it's hard at work on its own in Tahiti one day it lands on one of us (Not saying who.) who reflexively smacks it into Kingdom Come. Its power-down sequence will somehow protect us and those we care most about from retribution by Greys and Humans for the rest of our/their natural lives, but the world problems return 5 pct. worse. The Swedish Parliament makes Vickie break up with me, the French shut down our Tahiti office, a grouchy Aussie MP gets your Residency revoked on a technicality, one of us is temporarily estranged from her partner (Not saying who.), driving you and me into one night of unplanned, unexpected* "The World Can Go To Heck" passion (*-except by crushophobic trolls online), followed by a couple weeks of awkwardness, until our clone-daughter suffers an inexplicable playground injury. We reconcile in the ER waiting for her in surgery... the Bicrushual Community rallies to our support... Vickie calls my cell to make sure our daughter is OK, and she and I agree to a distance-crush... the clone-girl (We really should give her a name) is fine and even records a CBS Cares "Go Outside and Be Active" PSA from her hospital room in spite of it all... which ironically saves our company's stock, ending the SEC probe and the shareholder revolt and putting to rest that "All Bicrushuals Are Stock Manipulators" stereotype... leaving us free to manipulate stock just like heterocrushuals, homocrushuals, and acrushuals! :)

  15. My bad, I guess that's actually a young wombat or something that she's holding?:

    They say koalas can be ornery, which is why I guess the other woman kept hold of it? Don't want a royal heiress to get lockjaw or rabies, now do we?!!

    Look at that gorgeous smile, tho! She's TOTZ not high on herself! At least as I imagine HRH, anyway! Great genes in that family: The King's side is from the south of France; the Queen's mother was Brazilian and had South American Indian ancestors.

  16. Leanne,

    You are full of plans.

    I think you need to start working on them.

    Maybe you should try to find a way to change fate; so the Swedish government doesn't force you to break up with Princess Vicky. Or maybe the long distance thing will be enough.

    Isn't it better though if you're together and get to do joint koala and wombat photo ops? Although I guess you can do them separately and photo shop them.

    Glad you survived your drunk-driving without killing yourself or anyone else. My sister was hit by a drunk driver.was in a coma for weeks and had messy injuries.

    Now it seems the thing to worry about is texting while driving. When you and Vicky are doing the long distance thing, make sure you write each other the love texts AFTER you get out of the car. Although by that time, people will probably just send each other messages telepathically.

    I think we should keep the clergyman fight scene in the movie. Why was it edited out? Too controversial? Too hard to film without certain special effects? Is the film crew lacking decent stunt doubles?

    Brilliant idea about the electrically charged cloned teens. I used to see myself as usually being against electroshock therapy; but now I might have to change my position on the whole thing.

  17. Hey Dina, it's official!:

    (Took them long enuf...!)

    Did I do it justice?

  18. Leanne,

    That is fantastic! I was speechless; that's why it took me so long to respond.

    No, I'm joking. I didn't see the comment until today. I don't know how I missed it.

    I am so excited that our word is in the dictionary. THANK YOU!