Thursday, December 7, 2017

I'm Okay With Supporting but Not Okay with Defending

The main villain in the currently huge story of Too-Many-Men-Are-Assholes are the men who have done bad things to women and other men.

But there are other people in the story who add to the shit of the drama. This includes the women who speak out publicly in support of the accused men.

Women from Saturday Night Live did it.

Lena Dunham did it.

A Gossip Girl actress did it.

I'm sure there have been others. But those are the ones I've noticed.

When I see these women defending these men, I feel slapped across the face...and I'm not even one of the women who have been victimized by those men.  

I just imagine how these hurt women might feel, I guess.

What do women imply when they speak out in defense of a man who has hurt others?

In some cases, it might imply that they believe the woman is lying. Let's throw BELIEVE ALL WOMEN out window. Or let's say, believe all women except for cases where they accuse a guy I like or admire.

If the victims are believed, the defense statements might imply something just as sinister.  Well...sorry he did things to make you feel violated, but with us, he was a perfect gentlemen. Maybe I'm going too far here, but it kind of feels like the women are saying that they are deserving of better treatment than the victims.  

I don't know. Maybe I AM going too far. I'm not sure.

Maybe it's more a feeling of, Sorry you had a bad time with him, but we didn't! He was awesome with us!

You know, it's nice that things were better for you,  but do you have to rub it in the victim's faces...publicly?  

Now I have enough pity for all the predators and perverts. I even still kind of like some of them...maybe. I don't like to imagine them hated by every member of humanity.  I don't like imagining them completely depressed and abandoned. I'd like to think that they have friends and family supporting them. But I feel this should be a private thing. There's a difference between saying, I think what you are accused of doing is horrible, but I still plan on being your matter what; and shouting out to the world that you think the accused is a good man.  

Or if we're a fan, maybe we can keep following the celebrity on Instagram, Twitter, etc. but refrain from speaking out in defense of them.  

I think the mistake people make is believing that they can judge a man by the personal time they have spent with him.

The thing is, people don't show us all sides of their personality.

That hot, awesome guy who stopped to help you when you were in a car accident? He might sexually harass his coworkers.

That guy at work who has never done anything appropriate to you? He might have raped his niece at the last family holiday party.  

The super friendly actor who acted excited to take a selfie with you?  He might masturbate in front of actresses.  

The doctor who saved your life and actually has a fantastic bedside manner? He might be spending his free evenings raping his wife.  

I don't think we should get to the point where we immediately 100% believe the first person who comes forward against a man. But I do think we should listen and make the guess that unfortunately it's quite likely she is telling the truth. We should try hard not to let our political orientations, fandoms, or personal experiences cloud our judgment.