Thursday, December 28, 2017

My Emotions Belong to Me and Not Anyone Else

One of the biggest lessons I'm going to TRY and push on myself for 2018 is to not let other people dictate how I feel.

I'm not really expressing that as well as I'd like.

People can't control my feelings with their words. They can try, and they often do try. But usually their intent fails.

When I was sad, and my dad told me to snap out of it, I didn't suddenly cheer up.

When my dad told me to roll with the punches, it didn't make me feel or act more easygoing.

When my dad tried to shut me up when I was moaning and crying from horrible menstrual pain, his words didn't stop the pain.

When my husband pestered me with the question of how I'm going to get past the things that have hurt me in the past, I didn't forgive, forget, and happily move on. I'm still angry about things from my past.

When someone tells me to smile, it doesn't make me happy and cheerful.

When someone plays one-upmanship when I talk about my problems, it doesn't make me feel I'm luckier. Nor does it make me feel sympathetic to the person playing the game.

Some people try so hard to control the feelings of others.

That doesn't hurt.

It's not cold.

It's not too spicy.

You should be grateful!

You should feel lucky!

It's not scary!

Aren't you excited?

Don't worry.

Don't dwell on the past.

Think positive thoughts.

How often do we improve people's situations and moods by saying these things?

I guess with certain people it might work. I can't speak for everyone. I think it very rarely (probably never) works for me.  It almost always makes me feel worse.

So my goal in all this isn't to stop feeling what people want me to feel, because that was never the case.

What I do want is to stop allowing other people from making me feel guilty and conflicted about my feelings.

I want to have 100% freedom to feel what I'm feeling and not feel like shit about feeling that way.  I mean, of course, if I'm feeling like shit, I'm going to feel like shit. But I don't want to feel like shit for feeling like shit. I don't want to double or triple the shit.

If I'm depressed, so be it. Even if it's over something seemingly trivial.

If I'm happy about something superficial, so be it.

If I'm feeling tired and lazy, so be it.

If I'm worried, so be it.

If I'm annoyed, so be it.

If I'm angry, so be it.

If I'm amused about something silly, so be it.

If I'm wishing for the (near) impossible, so be it.

Now this is not to say that I have a right to walk around the world acting grumpy all the time, and everyone should accept this with open loving arms. Some people will hate me for saying this, but....

I think if you have an excessive amount of negative emotions, it might be best to hide some of it.

Shit. I'm kind of hating myself for saying that.

But really...if 95% of what comes out of your mouth is whining and complaining, I can't blame people for wanting to run the other way or for wanting to bombard you with an annoying pep talk.

My grief isn't with people who have a low tolerance for overly excessive amounts of negativity.   

My grief is with people who have a low tolerance for mild and moderate amounts of negativity.

I have an extra amount of grief for the people who have low tolerance for mild and moderate amounts of negativity when it comes from other people but are totally okay when it comes from themselves.

All in all, I want to stop intolerant people from getting inside my head.  I want to stop internalizing their pressure on me to feel what they want me to feel.

I want to be strong.

I want to LET IT GO...not my anger, sadness, resentment, worry, or fears.  I want to let go of the pressure to not have these feelings and/or the pressure to not express them.