Thursday, April 26, 2018

My Life in 1994 (Part 9)

More excerpts from my diaries!

It will be so nice to get a break from AOL. Some guy majorly offended me today and then I offended Lostway. (8/11/94)

It was the beginnings of something most of us now experience—the desire for connection with strangers mixed with the need to escape from all of them.

It is strange how a plane crash can bring strangers together. So close. Sometimes when I get on a plane, I look at the people and think these are the people I may be stranded with on a snowy mountain. Sometimes at Synagogue I think, these are the people in the concentration camp with me.

Someone called Judd and yelled anti-semitic things to him and threatened to bomb his house. I remember when I didn't know about racism or anti-semitism.

I think Pierre (not sure if that's the word here?) is wrong now. I don't think education is what can cure the evils of the world. An educated mind can be just as evil as an ignorant mind. Sometimes education helps, but sometimes it causes so much harm. (8/12/94)


I guess the thing about education is it's also indoctrination. When we desire for people to be educated, we imagine they're going learn what WE want them to learn. But this is not always the case.

We went to the circus today. It was a lot of fun. They had a lot of animals. Tigers, camels, llamas, mountain lions, elephants, horses, chimpanzees, and baboons. Oh yea. Buffalo and zebra (8/13/94)

I guess I was ignorant about the mistreatment of circus animals.

One could argue that education would remove my ignorance and lead me to not supporting circuses. BUT that's only if I read the information that was against circus animals. What if, instead, I read things written by people who defended the use of animals in circuses?

My stomach really hurts. (8/11/94)

It seems like almost every diary entry has a mention of my stomach hurting. I'm sparing my blog most of that, but decided I should note that it's there.

I was so proud of my dad today because he admitted his mistakes. (8/11/94)

I wonder, what mistakes?

Big ones he's made through out life or more trivial ones he made that day?

Melissa pretends to hate how she looks, but I think she knows she is beautiful. She has that I-have-a-boyfriend-so-I-must-be-special attitude. Today I thought how the time Melissa did not want to go to the airport because she wanted to spend the day with Brad, because holy shit she would not see him for a full week later while she would not see me for a month or so. (8/15/94)

I remember that. I didn't like that she put more priority over her boyfriend than her sister.

I think I'd be more understanding about it now.

I think there were times that I got mad at Melissa for being so obsessed with a guy. But reading my diary, I don't think I was any different than her!

I just found the address of a mystery dude named Michael Mason. I have no earthly idea who this guy is. He wrote his address in my calendar book. I remember no guy with the name Michael Mason.
This is so weird. 

Maybe someone wrote the address there as a joke. I am utterly confused about this. (8/16/94)

So...even then I was mystified by people I was supposed to remember but didn't.

It is eerily funny. Earlier in my diary, I wrote about a squirrel playing with 2 black birds. Yesterday there was a dead squirrel on the road. 2 blackbirds were trying to eat it. (8/17/94)

It seems the friendship evolved into...something different.

I talked about dreading my class Jewish-Christian polemics. Mom and Dad told me to look the word up in the dictionary. It means controversy and argument. Now I'm pretty excited for the class. (8/17/94)

I don't remember taking that class, but I hope it was as good as I anticipated.

Besides stomachaches, another thing in my diary I've seen a lot but haven't mentioned is, I dreaded returning to school my senior year. I'm not sure why.

I found out Joanne is Effie's friend and she is my roommate. She is very nice. All my roommates are black again, but I think this time it will be better.

I am so uptight and upset though! Joanne is a comforting person though. I need that. At this point I either need people to leave me alone, get the hell out of my way, or be nice and caring towards me. I need someone to be my friend. I don't want phony acquaintance or small talk. (8/18/94)

I think I was just having a lack of social-motivation.

I am so tired but I'm trying to stay up in order to watch The Stand. Doug called me today. I went with Luke and him to the used tape store. (8/20/94)

Jack and I were just talking about stores that sell media, and how they're slowly fading from existence.

Or are they?

The used ones might be doing okay, because people are still needing to get rid of their old stuff.

Oh well. Joanne is leaving for Nashville with Effie and it is 1 AM. I like Joanne so far. I almost locked myself in the bathroom. SCARY. Katina seems nice too. (8/20/94)

I guess Katina was the other new roommate.

It's weird. I don't remember her name at all. I mean seeing it doesn't ring a bell in my brain. But I do have a very vague memory of her. I think she was...sweet, probably.

Well, I don't remember anything negative, at least.

My roommates are very nice. They have more varied interests. It seemed like Stacey and Arenthia didn't enjoy anything too much unless it had to do with black people. (8/21/94)

So, it was okay for me to be into my Jewishness, but it was not okay for my roommates to be into their blackness?

I hate hypocritical attitudes like that.

I am upset right now. Everyone is trying to give me advice or comfort me. I used to like to cry when I was upset so people could comfort me and give me attention. Now I know they just pity me and the next day they will treat me like shit again. (8/22/94)

I don't know what I was referring to there.

I am getting along well with my roommates. Joanne called me into her room and had a long talk with me. She is nice. Katina is too. (8/23/94)

I remember this. It's when Joanne told me she knew I had problems with my past roommates and assured me this year would be better.

I like Gary Sinese and Rob Lowe. They are my new crushes. (8/23/94)

Thanks to The Stand miniseries.

I haven't put up my Israeli calander. For some reason I expect my roommates to hate me as soon as they find out I'm Jewish.

I should put it up. Maybe they will not notice it is Jewish. (8/24/94)

That's a luxury Jews have over black people. We can choose to hide what makes some people prejudice against us.

Well, I suppose black people can hide on the Internet. But in the physical world, they can't.

Not that anyone should need or want to hide. In a perfect world everyone could feel safe and comfortable showing their true selves.

Chris and I talked about making a musical together based on one of my screenplays. (8/25/94)

Oh man. I wish I could reunite with Chris. I'd really love to make a musical.

I ended up telling Joanne I was Jewish. To my surprise, she was really cool about it. She's very nice. (8/26/94)

That's good!

It's funny how having a crush on a guy motivates me so much. I used to think it was a terrible thing to like a guy and go places just because he might be there. But now I see that is what gets me out of my room sometimes. (8/27/94)

I like that.

I'm not sure if I ever thought of that before. But yeah. I think crushes motivate me to be more social.

Life is dull, but not bad. Everyone is leaving me this weekend. But I am not too upset about that. I almost look forward to being alone. I know I'll hate it tremendously when it happens. But now I can sing loud and bond with myself. (8/31/94)

These days I sing loudly even when not home alone.

Brock gave me the I'm-not-obsessed-with-sex-like-other-guys speech. I told him I heard that one a 1000 times. I didn't want to be mean, but I'm sick of that game. (9/2/94)

Yeah. That game is annoying. So is the, I'm-a-nice-guy-why-am-I-always-rejected game.

I had a awesome time tonight. I felt like Patricia Arquette in True Romance. "You're so Cool".  I met these people. One was a girl who worked for animal rights organization. Her husband was a member of a band. He is gorgeous and from England. Then there was a guy Mike who is a sports broadcaster. I thought he was awesome. I pretty much forgot about him, but then when I got home there was a message from him on my machine. And it bugs the shit out of me that I have to go out with Brock tomorrow. (9/3/94)

I remember a sports broadcaster. I'm not sure if that was Mike or not. I don't remember any of the others!

I survived the date with Brock. I barely made it. I tried to be nice, but I think he knew I was not having a great time. I feel bad, but I shouldn't. By being nice, I'm leading him on.

Mike the sports due asked me out. I'm going out with him tomorrow. Now he is cute! I look forward to that. Perhaps because it is doubtful that I'll see him again. So there is no pressure. (9/4/94)

The Mike thing would end up backfiring. He kissed me. I thought he liked me. I developed feelings for him, and then he didn't call again.

I don't remember Brock at all.

I went out with Mike. I like him a whole lot. I think he is the best looking guy I've ever gone out with. (9/5/94)

I am sad because Mike didn't call and he said he would. Oh well. I guess it is just a bunch of disappointments. (9/6/94)

I love many Jewish Chattanooga people. It's too bad I have to leave and never see them again. (9/6/94)

I don't remember many of them individually, but I do remember liking the community. That's something. Right?

Supposidly a girl named Tara is moving in with us. That name sounds so familar. But who is she? I have no idea. (9/6/94)

I thought we already had the full occupancy of 4 in the room. I thought it was Joanne, Katina, Me, and Effie. But I guess not. I guess Effie wasn't living with us. Oops.

I am not devastated about Mike yet. I am trying to avoid that, the poems, the tears, etc. I must be strong about such things. (9/7/94)

Happiness is leaving me. Now I feel worse because I fear that Mike calling me is not just rejection but an omen. I remember now that on Tuesday not only did Mike not call me but Marlyn C. stood me up. Oh what a great way to start New Years. (9/9/94)

I was referring to the Jewish new year—Rosh Hashanah.

I keep praying and praying for Mike to call me. This is becoming so important. I keep waiting for the phone to ring. I don't understand. Is God testing me? What is this game we play? (9/9/94)

It all seems a bit silly and desperate now. But I do remember how hard it was. You go on a date. You might have a little worry and skepticism, but for the most part, you imagine it's the beginning of an exciting, wonderful romance.  You look forward to the first phone call, and it never happens.

I'm starting to worry about Mike. He still has not called. But then I think if he died, I would have heard. On the other hand, he may not have frequent contact with his parents, so they may not know he is missing. (9/10/94)


What do you call that kind of thinking?  It's like a mixture of delusion, fantasy, avoidance, worry, and fear.

I'm sure it does happen, though—that someone's waiting for that phone call; they feel rejected; then it turns out that there was a dreadful tragedy.

I was supposed to go out with Chris and he stood me up. Then I called Luke. He didn't even want to talk to me because he was watching football. Then out of the blue, Joanne enters the apartment with 4 kids. At first I was mad, but then the kids warmed my heart. They're cute and fairly well behaved.

I cooked spaghetti today. 

I asked Jennifer what she is doing tonight. She said me, Austin, and Chris are going to the Sandbar. Does she invite me? No! What the fuck?

The only fun thing of today was Catina, Joanne, and Cicely came into my room and we talked about girl talk sort of stuff. They're funny and nice. I got good roommates, Thank God. Too bad the rest of my life sucks. (9/10/94)

I'm glad I had nice roommates to make up for all that rejection.

Catina, I assume is Katina.  I was probably spelling her name wrong at first; then saw it written out and corrected myself.

Okay. He has still not called. I sent him the letter. Oh well.

The good thing is James wrote me today. He wrote on my computer. Now I might have to go back to liking him. 

 I just realized I asked for my troubles.

I kept thinking I missed that feeling of waiting for some guy to call and wondering if he liked me. What was I thinking? How could I wish that upon myself? I worry about myself sometimes. (9/11/94)

Well, in defense of my wish. It IS fun and wonderful if/when they do call.

I love that I referred to email as "he wrote on my computer".

Now I know why Buddha saw desire as being bad. I want him to call so much that it hurts. I think I may mean this literally because my body has been aching lately. (9/13/94)

Life is easier when I'm not in a want/wishing mode. It's a little more boring, though.

But I'd rather have the boring than the rejection, drama, disappointment, etc.

I called him tonight even though I made a rule not too. (9/16/94)

I think it's usually much better NOT to break such a rule.

I cried today, but only for a little while. I called Mike and he was alive. I know this will sound terrible but I am mad at him for that. I hated his guts a few hours ago, but now I am mellow. I still think of him a lot, but I think things will get better. At least now I know he is a typical male asshole and not a romantic dead hero. (9/17/94)

OR maybe it was good to break the rule. By calling, I helped shut down the delusion and could move on with life.

I think the better, trick, though, is to let go.

If you go on a date with someone and they die, it's sad, but it's really not your problem. If you're meant to know, somehow the news will travel to you.

Evelyn P. called. We talked for a long time. She told me Passha died last summer. I wasn't surprised but I was sad still the same because I hoped for some miracle.

I hope I can go to camp next year. I want to get back in touch with that part of my life.

I WOULD get back in touch with that part of my life...but not via camp.

Note: I forgot to record the date of the last excerpt and that diary is in the garbage dump now. Oops.