More excerpts from my 1994 diary entries.
My mom and I had a long talk tonight about stuff. I realized something, that for some reason I have a child locked inside within me. I don't know how she got there, but I have a feeling she got stuck from some past life.
The question is what to do with that child. I don't think I'm ready to get rid of her. I think I need to learn to take care of her. I need to realize I am her mother and that I need to take care of her, not someone else. (12/18/94)
I think I have less of that child within me now. I'm guessing it's because I did what I said I should do. I took care of her and stopped relying on other people to do it for me.
It's not complete. But for the most part, I've learned to rely on myself when it comes to emotional needs. The same can't be said for financial and transportation needs, unfortunately. I also need help opening jars sometimes.
I don't trust anyone anymore and I wish I was dead. I've been hurt enough in these past 22 years and I don't see any reason for putting myself through so many more years. There is nothing to look forward to now. I don't even care about film school or anything. I am worthless. I'd be better off dead. I don't even want to be dead. I want to be nonexistent. I want to turn back time and disappear from existence. I hate all guys and I hate (can't read word here) all girls.
I think I should jump off the boat, but I am too chicken. (12/19/94)
I was wondering, what boat? Then I realized we must have been on a cruise.
Well...fun cruise. Yikes.
Though now that I think of it, some of our biggest family dramas happen on vacations. There was a dreadful one on our most recent cruise. I was on the outside of it—not directly involved. But still. It caused stress for everyone, I think.
As for the long-ago cruise, I remember there was a British casino worker I had been flirting with on a cruise. He made a comment, or asked a question, about me being pregnant. Because I've always had a pudgy tummy. I remember being upset about that.
Was this that cruise? And is that why I was feeling worthless?
I was thinking that if it is, it's nuts that I got so depressed over one incident. BUT I think it's usually not about one incident. The one incident or comment will bring up memories of many past negative incidents.
I don't understand any of it. It is not fair at all. He should not have done this to me. It is worse that he made me trust him. He is beyond cruel. I'm talking about Charles. I wish I was dead. (12/19/94)
Okay, so maybe it wasn't Casino-boy.
What did Charles do?
I think it was a misunderstanding and I overreacted. Because from what I remember, I broke up with him. Or really, we had a fight and I thought it was the end. Then I was annoyed to learn that he didn't realize it had ended.
I want to live and I feel bad for what I wrote yesterday. I guess I was just so upset. Today I am upset because I want to live but I have this stupid fear that I am going to die. (12/20/94)
I kind of think I wasn't right in the head.
Well, I don't think I've ever been right in the head. And I don't think there's any human out there that's right in the head. But on that cruise? It sounds like I was very much not right in the head.
I talked to Charles last night. He finally called and we talked for a long time and it was a great conversation. We talked about my doubts, my back, his friend's dirty apartment, Peter Pan, Snow White, spring break, etc, etc. I hope things work out between us. (12/20/94)
I'm not proud of my past self for depending on a guy for my happiness. He doesn't like me...I want to kill myself. Never mind. He likes me. I want to live!
Unfortunately, I do, occasionally, still have days like this.
The last was during Thanksgiving. I went home to stay with Annie, our cat. I had gotten in a big fight with my sister and husband. We had sort of all made up, but I was still upset. Then the next day, I wasn't hearing much from anyone. I felt neglected and forgotten. Oh also I was estranged from my parents and got this idea that everyone was talking about me. I imagined everyone bitching about me to the point of hating me. I was really diving deep into delusion. I felt worthless and depressed.
THEN I learned that there had been a huge family drama at the lake house while I was safely at home with Annie. The fight was so bad that it led to everyone leaving the lake house early—Saturday instead of the planned-on Sunday.
The fight was very stressful and awful—depressing. But it did boost my self-esteem a bit, because sometimes I feel (delusionally) that I'm the cause of most family problems. The fight proved me wrong. Plus...they also had that big fight on the cruise.
There is actually a ton of family drama that doesn't directly involve me.
Anyway, though. I still need to work on keeping my self-esteem at healthy levels when things go wrong...or, even more so, when I imagine they're going wrong.
We went to Target today and bought shit for the trip. (12/21/94)
Now I'm thinking we weren't even on a cruise. I think we were getting ready for one...or some other type of trip.
Plus I should have suspected something before. I don't think we were able to receive phone calls from friends or boyfriends on cruise ships.
Then...what boat was I talking about?
Oh! Wait. Maybe I was talking about the boat we'd be going on...if we were going on a cruise.
Melissa is so rude to mom. It is so annoying. (12/94/91)
Another reminder that I'm not the only one that causes drama in the family.
I think there was a time where, when my parents would fight, I would take my mom's side and Dawn and Melissa would take my dad's.
Mom and I went to Soup and Salad and talked about friendships. It was interesting. (12/21/94)
That's cool.
I'm mad because I accidentally packed one of the books I was going to read on the cruise. (12/22/94)
So...yeah. We were going on a cruise.
Today we sang Christmas Carols which was fun but weird. David was there acting rather foolish. At least Dawn and Melissa thought so. He was mildly amusing to me, but he wasn't very nice. I think he is a little stuck on himself. (12/24/94)
I'm not sure who David is. I assume he's someone we met on the ship?
All day I've been thinking about vampires because I dreamed about Lestat. I want to dream about vampires again. (12/25/94)
I like how dreams influence my daytime thoughts sometimes.
I felt bad because Dawn got mad at Judd and he acted hurt and then he got sick. I feel so bad for him. (12/25/94)
As much as it hurts to feel other people angry at me, I think it's often worse to see someone else being the target of anger.
Melissa and I had fun at nap time. We sang songs from Evita, Annie, Pete's Dragon, etc. It seems like this cruise, the fun is on the 7th deck and at nap time. (12/26/94)
Well, I guess we weren't getting much sleep at nap time.
And where was Dawn? Was she trying to sleep? Were we keeping her awake?
Oh...wait. She was probably sharing a cabin with Judd.
It is hard to believe that Charles and I have been going out for a month. I think that is pretty cool. Nights here on this boat suck, but Lestat improves them. Thank God for Anne Rice. (12/27/94)
Well...it seems it was actually that my waking life was influencing my dreams.
It actually goes both ways, though. I will dream about something I'm reading or watching. Then the dream will make me become more interested and attached to the book, movie, TV show, etc.
I hate the disco here. (12/27/94)
I think I was unable to greatly enjoy this cruise because I kept comparing it to the magical time we had on the last cruise.
Today I finished listening to The Body Thief. I finished listening to it while the sun was setting. I saw the sky change from light blue to red to dark blue.
We went on a submarine. It was not so great. I've seen more exciting fish in the pet shop.
I am in love with Lestat. I think my true happiness and excitement in life comes from watching movies and reading books. Once in awhile, my real life gets glimpses of excitement. (12/28/94)
I still feel the same way...minus the crush on Lestat.
Today we went to Antigua which was very nice. The people there were super nice. A cop asked for my address so we could be penpals. (12/29/94)
I vaguely remember that.
It's been awhile since I've had a positive feeling about a police officer. But that police officer wasn't a US police officer. And if I remember correctly, he wasn't white.
Melissa and I got in a big fight but when we made up, we got along even better. It is funny how when you get in a fight, it brings people closer together. (12/30/94)
I no longer feel that way.
I think a part of me used to like fights, because I felt it brought things out in the open. I think I felt that they were...maybe...cleansing?
Now I hate them 100%.
They very rarely solve anything. There might be moments of tenderness and bonding. But I think the real problems just get pushed under the rug. Nothing is really solved. And the same themes are repeated over and over again.
This cruise bothers me a lot on how the cruise staff acts like bums and is treated like royalty while the dining room staff is treated like shit. (12/30/94)
I wonder if I had also noticed that the higher ranking (and better treated) staff is usually white while the other staff is usually not white.
I wonder...how many cruise directors are people of color? And how about ship captains and other ship officers? Are there many that are not white?
Oh! I just read further down! I DID notice.
Now I'm not sure if I want to work on a ship. All the cruise staff is white while dining room staff is nonwhite or hispanic or Indian. There is something wrong here. (12/30/94)
I was more woke than I remembered.
As for my way of describing race... I guess I thought of only black people as being nonwhite.
The last time we went to Disney World, I finally noticed what I should have noticed long ago. There's something not right with their employment practices.
It seems to me that most people who interact directly with customers are white. This includes the cast members at the entrance, the front desk at the hotels, the people working the rides, the wait staff at restaurants and kiosks, etc. The exception are places with certain country themes. For example, I see a fair amount of black people working at Disney's Animal Kingdom—the park and the resort. They both have an African theme. Asians work at the China and Japan pavilions in Epcot. The Mexico pavilion has Hispanic people.
What bothered me the most was that there weren't more black and brown people in the other country pavilions. Canada isn't all white. Neither is the United Kingdom, France, Norway, Germany, etc. But if we were to make assumptions about a country's population based on Epcot World Showcase staffing, I think we'd be making incorrect ones.
I went to bed pretty early last night. 2:00. That is early considering last year we never went to bed. (12/30/94)
On our last cruise, I had all these grand plans of staying up late and hanging out with Dawn. We'd go to shows, hang out at the disco, etc.
I ended up going to bed early each night.
I ended up on an early schedule. I was usually up around 6.
I felt disappointed in myself and the situation. I keep trying to tell myself it's okay—that you just get another type of cruise experience. I doubt I rarely experienced mornings on a cruise when I was a teen or young adult.
I think on vacations you have to decide are you going to A) be an early riser—enjoy the quiet of the morning. B) party most of the night C) give up sleep.
My personality and sleep style fits much better with A. I need to just kind of accept that and stop regretting that I no longer do much at night.
Plus...I don't usually feel good at night.
Still. I feel bad. I feel I disappointed myself. And maybe I was a disappointment to Dawn as well. I'm not sure how much she was counting on me.
My mom and I had a long talk tonight about stuff. I realized something, that for some reason I have a child locked inside within me. I don't know how she got there, but I have a feeling she got stuck from some past life.
The question is what to do with that child. I don't think I'm ready to get rid of her. I think I need to learn to take care of her. I need to realize I am her mother and that I need to take care of her, not someone else. (12/18/94)
I think I have less of that child within me now. I'm guessing it's because I did what I said I should do. I took care of her and stopped relying on other people to do it for me.
It's not complete. But for the most part, I've learned to rely on myself when it comes to emotional needs. The same can't be said for financial and transportation needs, unfortunately. I also need help opening jars sometimes.
I don't trust anyone anymore and I wish I was dead. I've been hurt enough in these past 22 years and I don't see any reason for putting myself through so many more years. There is nothing to look forward to now. I don't even care about film school or anything. I am worthless. I'd be better off dead. I don't even want to be dead. I want to be nonexistent. I want to turn back time and disappear from existence. I hate all guys and I hate (can't read word here) all girls.
I think I should jump off the boat, but I am too chicken. (12/19/94)
I was wondering, what boat? Then I realized we must have been on a cruise.
Well...fun cruise. Yikes.
Though now that I think of it, some of our biggest family dramas happen on vacations. There was a dreadful one on our most recent cruise. I was on the outside of it—not directly involved. But still. It caused stress for everyone, I think.
As for the long-ago cruise, I remember there was a British casino worker I had been flirting with on a cruise. He made a comment, or asked a question, about me being pregnant. Because I've always had a pudgy tummy. I remember being upset about that.
Was this that cruise? And is that why I was feeling worthless?
I was thinking that if it is, it's nuts that I got so depressed over one incident. BUT I think it's usually not about one incident. The one incident or comment will bring up memories of many past negative incidents.
I don't understand any of it. It is not fair at all. He should not have done this to me. It is worse that he made me trust him. He is beyond cruel. I'm talking about Charles. I wish I was dead. (12/19/94)
Okay, so maybe it wasn't Casino-boy.
What did Charles do?
I think it was a misunderstanding and I overreacted. Because from what I remember, I broke up with him. Or really, we had a fight and I thought it was the end. Then I was annoyed to learn that he didn't realize it had ended.
I want to live and I feel bad for what I wrote yesterday. I guess I was just so upset. Today I am upset because I want to live but I have this stupid fear that I am going to die. (12/20/94)
I kind of think I wasn't right in the head.
Well, I don't think I've ever been right in the head. And I don't think there's any human out there that's right in the head. But on that cruise? It sounds like I was very much not right in the head.
I talked to Charles last night. He finally called and we talked for a long time and it was a great conversation. We talked about my doubts, my back, his friend's dirty apartment, Peter Pan, Snow White, spring break, etc, etc. I hope things work out between us. (12/20/94)
I'm not proud of my past self for depending on a guy for my happiness. He doesn't like me...I want to kill myself. Never mind. He likes me. I want to live!
Unfortunately, I do, occasionally, still have days like this.
The last was during Thanksgiving. I went home to stay with Annie, our cat. I had gotten in a big fight with my sister and husband. We had sort of all made up, but I was still upset. Then the next day, I wasn't hearing much from anyone. I felt neglected and forgotten. Oh also I was estranged from my parents and got this idea that everyone was talking about me. I imagined everyone bitching about me to the point of hating me. I was really diving deep into delusion. I felt worthless and depressed.
THEN I learned that there had been a huge family drama at the lake house while I was safely at home with Annie. The fight was so bad that it led to everyone leaving the lake house early—Saturday instead of the planned-on Sunday.
The fight was very stressful and awful—depressing. But it did boost my self-esteem a bit, because sometimes I feel (delusionally) that I'm the cause of most family problems. The fight proved me wrong. Plus...they also had that big fight on the cruise.
There is actually a ton of family drama that doesn't directly involve me.
Anyway, though. I still need to work on keeping my self-esteem at healthy levels when things go wrong...or, even more so, when I imagine they're going wrong.
We went to Target today and bought shit for the trip. (12/21/94)
Now I'm thinking we weren't even on a cruise. I think we were getting ready for one...or some other type of trip.
Plus I should have suspected something before. I don't think we were able to receive phone calls from friends or boyfriends on cruise ships.
Then...what boat was I talking about?
Oh! Wait. Maybe I was talking about the boat we'd be going on...if we were going on a cruise.
Melissa is so rude to mom. It is so annoying. (12/94/91)
Another reminder that I'm not the only one that causes drama in the family.
I think there was a time where, when my parents would fight, I would take my mom's side and Dawn and Melissa would take my dad's.
Mom and I went to Soup and Salad and talked about friendships. It was interesting. (12/21/94)
That's cool.
I'm mad because I accidentally packed one of the books I was going to read on the cruise. (12/22/94)
So...yeah. We were going on a cruise.
Today we sang Christmas Carols which was fun but weird. David was there acting rather foolish. At least Dawn and Melissa thought so. He was mildly amusing to me, but he wasn't very nice. I think he is a little stuck on himself. (12/24/94)
I'm not sure who David is. I assume he's someone we met on the ship?
All day I've been thinking about vampires because I dreamed about Lestat. I want to dream about vampires again. (12/25/94)
I like how dreams influence my daytime thoughts sometimes.
I felt bad because Dawn got mad at Judd and he acted hurt and then he got sick. I feel so bad for him. (12/25/94)
As much as it hurts to feel other people angry at me, I think it's often worse to see someone else being the target of anger.
Melissa and I had fun at nap time. We sang songs from Evita, Annie, Pete's Dragon, etc. It seems like this cruise, the fun is on the 7th deck and at nap time. (12/26/94)
Well, I guess we weren't getting much sleep at nap time.
And where was Dawn? Was she trying to sleep? Were we keeping her awake?
Oh...wait. She was probably sharing a cabin with Judd.
It is hard to believe that Charles and I have been going out for a month. I think that is pretty cool. Nights here on this boat suck, but Lestat improves them. Thank God for Anne Rice. (12/27/94)
Well...it seems it was actually that my waking life was influencing my dreams.
It actually goes both ways, though. I will dream about something I'm reading or watching. Then the dream will make me become more interested and attached to the book, movie, TV show, etc.
I hate the disco here. (12/27/94)
I think I was unable to greatly enjoy this cruise because I kept comparing it to the magical time we had on the last cruise.
Today I finished listening to The Body Thief. I finished listening to it while the sun was setting. I saw the sky change from light blue to red to dark blue.
We went on a submarine. It was not so great. I've seen more exciting fish in the pet shop.
I am in love with Lestat. I think my true happiness and excitement in life comes from watching movies and reading books. Once in awhile, my real life gets glimpses of excitement. (12/28/94)
I still feel the same way...minus the crush on Lestat.
Today we went to Antigua which was very nice. The people there were super nice. A cop asked for my address so we could be penpals. (12/29/94)
I vaguely remember that.
It's been awhile since I've had a positive feeling about a police officer. But that police officer wasn't a US police officer. And if I remember correctly, he wasn't white.
Melissa and I got in a big fight but when we made up, we got along even better. It is funny how when you get in a fight, it brings people closer together. (12/30/94)
I no longer feel that way.
I think a part of me used to like fights, because I felt it brought things out in the open. I think I felt that they were...maybe...cleansing?
Now I hate them 100%.
They very rarely solve anything. There might be moments of tenderness and bonding. But I think the real problems just get pushed under the rug. Nothing is really solved. And the same themes are repeated over and over again.
This cruise bothers me a lot on how the cruise staff acts like bums and is treated like royalty while the dining room staff is treated like shit. (12/30/94)
I wonder if I had also noticed that the higher ranking (and better treated) staff is usually white while the other staff is usually not white.
I wonder...how many cruise directors are people of color? And how about ship captains and other ship officers? Are there many that are not white?
Oh! I just read further down! I DID notice.
Now I'm not sure if I want to work on a ship. All the cruise staff is white while dining room staff is nonwhite or hispanic or Indian. There is something wrong here. (12/30/94)
I was more woke than I remembered.
As for my way of describing race... I guess I thought of only black people as being nonwhite.
The last time we went to Disney World, I finally noticed what I should have noticed long ago. There's something not right with their employment practices.
It seems to me that most people who interact directly with customers are white. This includes the cast members at the entrance, the front desk at the hotels, the people working the rides, the wait staff at restaurants and kiosks, etc. The exception are places with certain country themes. For example, I see a fair amount of black people working at Disney's Animal Kingdom—the park and the resort. They both have an African theme. Asians work at the China and Japan pavilions in Epcot. The Mexico pavilion has Hispanic people.
What bothered me the most was that there weren't more black and brown people in the other country pavilions. Canada isn't all white. Neither is the United Kingdom, France, Norway, Germany, etc. But if we were to make assumptions about a country's population based on Epcot World Showcase staffing, I think we'd be making incorrect ones.
I went to bed pretty early last night. 2:00. That is early considering last year we never went to bed. (12/30/94)
On our last cruise, I had all these grand plans of staying up late and hanging out with Dawn. We'd go to shows, hang out at the disco, etc.
I ended up going to bed early each night.
I ended up on an early schedule. I was usually up around 6.
I felt disappointed in myself and the situation. I keep trying to tell myself it's okay—that you just get another type of cruise experience. I doubt I rarely experienced mornings on a cruise when I was a teen or young adult.
I think on vacations you have to decide are you going to A) be an early riser—enjoy the quiet of the morning. B) party most of the night C) give up sleep.
My personality and sleep style fits much better with A. I need to just kind of accept that and stop regretting that I no longer do much at night.
Plus...I don't usually feel good at night.
Still. I feel bad. I feel I disappointed myself. And maybe I was a disappointment to Dawn as well. I'm not sure how much she was counting on me.
