Sunday, May 13, 2018

My Life in 1995 (Part 5)

More excerpts from my college diaries....

My stomach hurts a lot. I am exhausted. But today was a pretty good day. I went to the zoo for class. It was a lot of fun. We observed a Capuchin named Cheetah and for fun watched a chimpanzee named Hank. Hank was very friendly.  (3/30/95)

That was for my animal-human communication class. The class was taught by a woman who had taught sign language to an orangutan.  This led me to having a primate-love phase.

I believe that apes are people. I was reading about ape intelligence and I was thinking how we can tie that in with the Torah when the Torah says man has dominion over the animals.

Well, then maybe man includes gorillas, orangutans, and chimpanzees. (4/1/95)

I guess I was trying to rationalize the disconnect between Judea-Christian mythology and science.

I'm guessing (HOPING) that I'd also include female humans, female gorillas, female orangutans, and female chimpanzees under the umbrella term "man".

I wish Melissa would get on the computer. I think it will be fun when we are all on the computer together. (4/1/95)

My whole family is all now connected via the computer world.  I think most of our interactions happen via text. Though we also see each other in person on a moderately often basis.

I got rejected from Columbia and I got accepted into Loyola, so I guess I'll go there. I guess I'm pretty mad at NY. (4/3/95)

I have a hard time limiting my feelings of rejection. If one school rejects me, I'll feel the whole state (that the school is in) has rejected me.

There were times that an Australian was hateful towards me, and I'd feel their whole state, city, etc. was rejecting me.

I wonder what happened to NYU?

Well, I know I was rejected. I guess I didn't write it down when it happened? Maybe I felt too disappointed and ashamed.

I am so excited and proud of myself because I finished both of my papers. Now I have only one more paper left this semester and I think it will be easy. (4/5/95)

The year was winding down.

I went out for Chinese food. James wrote me and so did Tim from camp. So I have cruise boy and camp boy writing me. How fun.  (4/5/95)

And THAT is the first mention of my husband in my diaries.

I had a pretty good day. My parents called and we laughed so hard about rejection letters that we almost cried. (4/5/95)

I remember that!

I  think what we said was that schools write these long polite letters as if anyone is going to care to read them. We're too upset to read the bullshit. So my parents and I were saying something like schools should just send an envelope and in the envelope there should just be one word. NO.

I bought toys and a blanket for the monkeys. I hope Dr. Mike accepts them. (April ???. Well, it actually says March, but I'm doubting I went back in time)

I can never get to bed on time these days. I went to dinner with Jennifer and Seaton. Later Matthew convinced me to tell Seaton the truth about Jennifer. (4/5/95)

The truth about Jennifer?

I'm intrigued!

I feel like I have had a very busy day. I am exhausted. My phone rang constantly.

I ate lunch with Seaton. His rowing buddy ate with us and would not shut up. Matthew needs surgery on a mole and he thinks he has cancer. I think I really like Tim A. which is really weird. 

Right now I am in a state of many friends. It feels great, but it is hard for me to keep up. (4/13/95)

Great. I was humble-bragging to my diary.

Tim, by the way, is my husband now.

By the way, I'm not 100% sure about the dates in this diary. My handwriting is hard to read. 

Today Matthew said something very offensive and then he said "I just like to say things to see your reaction". Then I got very quiet and would not talk to him and I pretended not to hear him and then I acted like I was clueless and none of it happened. Then we got along. 

I did what Matthew said to do. If you get mad, just do something for revenge. So Matthew said something to see my reaction and I acted in a certain way to get his reaction. 

I think it scared him because he was super nice the rest of the evening. (4/???/95)

Yikes.  That friendship wasn't full of emotional health. BUT...we had fun sometimes.

By the way, Matthew's type of testing is NOT the kind of testing I support. Well, it depends on the purpose. If you want to see someone's reaction, because you want to learn more about how they feel about you or a certain subject; then I'm probably okay with it.  If it's just a matter of enjoying someone's pain or discomfort, that's not something I stand behind.

I also don't stand behind pouting and silent treatments.

So...I think we were both behaving badly.

Then Tim A. called me. At first it was weird because he did not talk how I expected him to talk. But then I realized he talks just like James and laughs like him. (4/15/95)

This is something I have forgotten.

I am guessing James and Tim have many similarities.

First of all, my parents adore Tim, and from what I read in my diaries, they also were fans of James.  I think it's due to both guys being charming and outgoing.

I think Matthew is just super jealous lately. I think he treats me more like a mother than a friend. (4/17/95)

This isn't the first time I've seen something like this in the diaries. I'm not really sure what I was referring to.

It might explain, though, why I had major issues with him not coming to my graduation. It might have been a case of I do things for you, so you should do this thing for me?  But I am guessing Matthew DID do things for me. First of all, I couldn't drive. So he must have driven me places at times.  For example, he took me to the doctors. I remember that.

Anyway, I AM a person who keeps score. I mean not in exact numbers. But I do notice the people who demand (directly or covertly) things from me, but don't do close to enough in return.  If I WANT to do something, I'm not going to not do it, because I feel that person owes me.  A lot of times, though, I'm lazy and I'd rather do other things.  But if I felt I owed that person, I'd put more effort into not being lazy.

What else? I haven't talked to anyone in my family for awhile. I feel kind of abandoned. It is weird. They went on some weird retreat and I don't know when they will return. (4/17/95)

Fortunately they were not eaten by a Wendigo, or any such creature.  Or maybe they were, and the people I know as my family are imposters.

I don't remember this retreat.

I wonder what it was all about?

Everything was fine. Then it all went bad. There was a bomb and Matthew was trying to make me upset.

Also I am upset about Tim because I shouldn't like him cause it will only (can't read word) to shit. 

I am just so tired. I want to go to Australia or somewhere far far away. 

I just want everyone to leave me alone.  (4/???/95)

Ah! Even before I was obsessed with Australia, I wanted to escape to there.  I guess it's a step up from wanting to escape via death...or wanting too hang out alone in the local graveyard.

I feel very alone and smothered at the same time. (4/???95)

I still feel this way when it comes to certain people and things.

Well, I think it goes back to what I was saying earlier about keeping score. When there are people who aren't there for me in the way I want them to be, but they put a lot of pressure on me to be there for them, it gives me that combo feeling of being smothered and lonely.