Monday, May 14, 2018

My Life in 1995 (part 6)

My college diaries continued.

These excerpts come from towards the end of my senior year.

The best thing is that Tim called last night and I don't know how he feels about me, but I think he might be the guy I am supposed to marry, if I am supposed to marry.

I am beginning to think that marriage is not in my destiny. Otherwise, why would I find a guy in New York, but then be sent to California.  

I really thought I was supposed to go to New York.

Tim keeps talking about destiny and that always makes me think of Forrest Gump. (4/21/95)

I think that was the first time we had spoken on the phone.  I think we had been emailing for a few weeks prior to that.

Tim later told me he hadn't had feelings for me back then...outside of enjoying a camp-reunion kind of friendship. Or something like that.  

I think Tim is the type of man who gives a lot of friendly attention to women, even though he's probably not attracted to them. I think he, James, and David-from-my-first-semester are similar. With many women, they are attentive, funny, jovial, and helpful. And in return, they get lots of adoration.  

Oh! And my dad is the same way.  

Last night I got in a fight with Matthew. Now I don't really want to be his friend anymore. 

He is greedy, a snob, selfish, rude, immature, racist, and cruel.

I think he has serious problems and he tries to control people.

Tim said it seems like Matthew is trying to end the relationship by making it impossible for me to be friends with him.  (4/23/95)

OR could it be that Matthew was the same as I was back then. I would test people by sulking and talking about suicide. Maybe Matthew tested people by being very offensive.

I think we were both disturbed.  It makes me wonder. Is is for the best that we split apart? Or could we have somehow been helpful to each other?

We had fun at Six Flags. I was with Carol and Luke. Then I lost them and I found Russ, Jenni, and Brian so I hung out with them. It was a lot of fun. 

The worst thing was Rachel didn't show up. (4/30/95)

I'm GUESSING that Rachel was Rachel from my CF days. She lived in the same city as that particular Six Flags. I'm guessing we were still in contact and had made plans?

Or I could be totally wrong and it was another Rachel.  

The one thing I remember on this trip is Like making me laugh. He was poking fun at the fact that people scream when they get wet on water rides. So why don't they scream like that when taking a shower?

BUT now I've come to realize it's probably about water temperature.

I talked to Tim on the phone for about an hour on Friday and we talked on the computer last night for about an hour. (4/30/95)


I talked to Dr. H. which was embarrassing since I am sick. I think maybe I learned a lesson about hanging out in wet clothes. I spent 5 hours in wet clothes. That aint good. (5/2/95)

The dangers of Six Flags.

I really think I am falling in love with Tim. My mother says that is totally impossible, because you can't fall in love with someone on the telephone. 

Who ever made up that rule? 

I hate when people make up rules of love and expect you to follow them.  (5/5/95)

I think times have changed, and now a lot of people are open to the idea of falling in love via telephone, text, email, etc.

Linda B. was so sweet. She started crying when she said good-bye to me. Mr. K was nice too. Everyone was so nice, and even the rabbi was friendly to my parents. I was quite surprised.

Matthew came. I haven't seen him for two weeks. He was pretty nice and he said he got me a graduation present.  (5/5/95)

I was referring to synagogue, I assume.

My parents had come in for graduation, so I guess I had invited them to go to a Friday night service with me.  

Today was graduation. It was boring, but not that bad. (5/7/95)

I'm kind of mad at my roommates because they canceled dinner yesterday and I did not see them at graduation. I think that was rude. I'm kind of glad to get out of there. (5/7/95)

Well, now I do kind of feel bad for my past self.  Earlier I had felt abandoned by Matthew regarding the graduation. And now I was rejected by my roommates.

I think also, rejection hurts even more when there is an audience.

I can imagine I felt embarrassed telling my parents and sisters that my roommates weren't going to show up.  If I remember correctly, there was hardly anyone I knew at graduation. I remember feeling a bit like a loser.

On the bright side, it seems I got a lot of love from the Jewish community there.