Thursday, May 17, 2018

My Life in 1995 (Part 8)...and also a bit of 1996

More of this diary shit....




My mind is spinning with ideas about the future. I know I want to be with Tim. That is one definite. I know I want to write. Right now I'm just interested in making money and establishing a life. (7/4/95)

I think I was pressured to find a career.

My feeling now is it would have probably been better to have just found a job; then go from there. Work; keep writing in my spare time; then see what happens.

I feel sad and stressed out because my family loves me but they give way too much advice. I don't know what to do.

I think the funniest part of my life is Tim. The whole thing is just so hilarious.

I don't know. I love him, but then my family is jealous of him. I guess. I don't know. Tim is the best listener, so if they are going for a listening contest, they should be jealous. But besides that, they don't need to be jealous.

I guess right now I just want to live my own life and be free. (7/10/95)

Wow. That IS hilarious. Because for a LONG time, I've been jealous of Tim's relationship with my family.  It seems crazy that there was a time that I thought my family was jealous of Tim.

Had they met Tim yet? We all went to Chicago, and they met him there. Has that happened yet, and I didn't write about it in my diary yet?

I'm thinking it hasn't happened yet.

I think what happened is my parents were weary of this man they never met. Then when they met him, they fell in love with him, and he fell in love with them. 

I am feeling much better about life. I decided I'm going to write young adult literature, because that is what my writing style is like. I hope that while in California, I either sell a screenplay or get a book published. I want to be successful. 

I have such a perfect relationship and I am happy and thankful for that. Tim is the greatest guy in the world, and I have no fears or reservations about spending my life with him.  (7/23/95)

I didn't sell a screenplay or get a book published in California. Nor did it happen for me in New York or Texas. I did self-publish some novels. I guess that's okay. But it doesn't make me feel successful.

Anyway there was a big jump between the two diary entries. I'm guessing during those unwritten days, we went to Chicago.

I am sad about April and I miss her a lot. I wish I knew that she was alive. I wish there was a cure for CF, and all the kids would be alive again. (8/2/95)

I'm not sure why I was suddenly thinking about CF. I'm guessing it had something to do with Tim, since I had originally met him at CF camp, and he had three brothers with CF.

If I remember correctly....

The first time Tim kissed me, I think we were looking at his old camp photos. I saw a photo of Passha, one of my campers, who had died, and I started crying.

I am so bored because there is nothing to do. All my stuff is gone. I am a bit excited about moving to a new apartment, but I see no point anymore in film school. It all seems like a complete waste. I feel very forced into this. My parents make me go to school and then they say I shouldn't act like I am going to school only because they force me to.  But I am only acting out the truth. They say I always wanted to go to film school. I wanted to go to school in NYC, not some Catholic school.  (8/12/95)

That kind of reminds me of other situations where someone pressures me to do something I don't want to do; then on top of it, they want me to act happy that I'm doing it.

Anyway....

I have so many crazy-mixed feelings.  I still feel somewhat annoyed at my parents for pressuring me to go to film school when I didn't want to. For them, it wasn't about film school, specifically. They had this idea that I HAD to go to graduate school. I needed to continue my education. I think they feared that if I didn't, I'd waste my life. Or something like that. I think they were just anxious about my future.

Maybe if we had all been more educated in those days, I could have done research and explained to them, the benefits of having a gap year. Sometimes people need a break from it all, so they can learn more about themselves and how they want to spend their life.

In the end, though, I DID get that break from education. I dropped out of film school after a semester.

A part of me is regretting that. A part of me wishes I stayed and pursued a filmmaking career. But that still wouldn't have guaranteed success. And the only thing I might have gotten, from the adventure, is way too many horrific MeToo stories.

I can be pretty dense sometimes. I didn't realize until recently that women were so underrepresented in film.

Anyway, a large part of me does NOT regret leaving film school. I ended up moving to NYC to be with Tim, and those were wonderful years.  If anything, I regret leaving New York.

I am in Los Angeles now. I have mixed feelings sometimes. I have fun. Other times I feel very lonely. I just wish I didn't have to be here. But in a way I don't want to leave, because I like my apartment so much. (8/29/95)

I think that's funny.

I guess I just liked the feeling of living on my own?

It must have been nice in some ways.  I didn't have any roommates. The solitude probably gave me a mixture of fear, loneliness, and freedom.

I've been in California for exactly a month now and I still don't have a real friend. 

I haven't gotten any phone calls from any LA people and I haven't gone anywhere with anyone either.

The big highlight of my day is that the owner of the video store said, "Hi Dina". It was so nice to hear someone call me by name.

Despite my lack of contact with humanity (or animals for that matter), I am still in good spirits, probably because of Tim. I talk to him almost everyday now, and one day we plan to get married. Pretty cool. (9/19/95)

I find it kind of alarming that we didn't talk EVERY day. Was that normal in those days?

Well, it's easier to find time to text someone than it is to have a phone call. I remember Tim was very busy with work.

Rohit keeps calling, and he annoys the hell out of me. He is trying to invite himself over so I can cook for him. (10/11/95)

I don't remember Rohit at all.

Why did he want me to cook for him?  It's not like I've ever been an amazing chef.

This afternoon I dreamed that I was an adopted child in an Asian family. I felt pretty much unloved by them, except for my older brother. I loved him more than anything in the world.

I felt he was my protection, and the person I could lean on.

I feel confused about Tim. I love him, but I think he takes me for granted.  I think I want to feel that I am the most important person in the world to him and that he'd never leave me. I want to be the center of his life. But now I don't feel that way.

He used to make me feel so special. He does still call me a lot. I believe he still loves me. He just isn't very romantic about it anymore.  (11/29/95)

I like that dream. I wonder what it meant.

As for Tim, those feelings of doubt have never left me.

Did Tim's behavior change, or did my perception change?

I think one of the things I always wanted in life is to feel that I'm EXTREMELY important to someone. I wanted to be the center of someone's universe—their top priority. I wanted someone who adored me and worried about me. I wanted to be someone's favorite.

I'm not sure if that's a healthy wish.

I'm not sure it's realistic.

Whether it's a realistic wish or not, I think wishing it has caused me grief.  When you have high expectations, it's easy to be disappointed.

I talked to April today which is a miracle for me since I thought I lost her forever. She's 14 now and in 8th grade. What really cracked me up is she said she had been dating Alan since he was 9, and they now had broke up.

I thought it has just been a camp fling.

She remembered "Boys are on this side" and "Cough 3 times for Froggy's breakfast, lunch, and dinner." I was happy because she mentioned them first.  (1/6/96)

Oh! I didn't remember that phone call. I'm very glad it happened.

The stuff in quotes were private jokes between the two of us. Well, they weren't really private. It was just fun/silly stuff that we shared.

I think that was the last time I talked to April, and she died about two years later. I didn't know about her death until recently.

Now Tim has visited and I love him even more.  It was the best time I have ever had with him. I feel so happy and comfortable with him. He is very cute. Now everything reminds me of him. (1/18/95)

That's sweet.

I wonder if Tim made me feel more loved during that visit.  Or did I simply push aside the feelings of insecurity?

I am still in love with Tim. This is the longest I have loved a guy. It's been about 11 months now and almost 10 months of dating.

Tim and I are getting closer and closer. I guess September-December  were one of the low points of our relationship, while Jan-March has been a high point. (3/13/95)

I'm guessing the low point was because of the distance?

I think by this time (March) I was living in NYC.

I vaguely remember a low point then.  But I think it maybe happened towards the summer.

I remember feeling very unloved by Tim—like he was annoyed and disgusted by me.  I remember maybe being in a park and complaining about the nature of things, and him snapping, Well, I guess the honeymoon stage is over.  Or something like that.

I also remember going with him to Texas for my sister's high school graduation. We had a dinner with family friends, and I remember Tim spending a lot of time talking to our friend's current girlfriend. He gave her a lot of attention, and I felt lonely, rejected, hopeless, jealous, etc.  It wasn't just that he was giving her attention, but I think there was bad blood between me and him. We weren't getting along.

But that bad patch didn't last...fortunately.

I think it was just the adjustment of going from long distance to living in the same city. It's not always easy!

I'm in NY now. It's almost summer and it's 40 or so degrees. (5/12/96)

Oh! I guess I was wrong about having moved to NYC by March.

But then where was I then?  I dropped out of film school the first semester.  I guess I lived in Texas with my parents for awhile?

Things are pretty good here. At first things were super between me and Tim. We were like the perfect couple. Then we got cable TV and we became a normal couple. (5/12/95)

And NOW we have HBO, Netflix, Amazon, and Hulu. They're pretty much the backbone of our relationship...and also coparenting Jack, Annie, and Yeti.

We have spent too much time together and we are beginning to annoy each other. I still love him, though and I'm not very worried because our problems are so typical. They're very much male/female problems. What TV show to watch. Guy flipping through channel. Looking at other women, etc. 

We have spent too much time together, though. Where you want time away from someone, but then when they leave, you miss them terribly.  (5/12/95)

To me, that kind of sounds like codependency.

I'm starting to see that Tim is definitely not perfect. For one thing he can't admit he was wrong. He'll apologize but he says it in a manipulative way to make it seem like he did nothing wrong and it's just all my fault. (5/22/95)

Holy fucking shit!

I had no idea I noticed it back then.

I didn't know I even really understood manipulation.

I'm kind of proud of my past self.

I still love him but I'm angry with him right now. I don't like the way he is treating me. I feel as though I'm unimportant to him and he made it perfectly clear that his career came before me. That is complicated, though. I know if someone said give up writing or lose Tim, I'd give up writing. If it was Tim who didn't want me to be a writer, I'd give up him. Still, he is being very insensitive lately. I'm not sure what to do. (5/22/95)

And now I'm not proud.

I was just thinking about this recently—wondering if I had pushed Tim to give up his career dreams.

I'm not sure.

He wanted to join the FBI.  In the version I WANT to be true, I got mad because he started talking about his career plans in a way that made it sound like he wasn't including me in the picture.

In the version, I'm scared is true, I pushed him not to follow his dreams because I worried too much about his safety.

I really don't know.

I might be deluding myself, but I'm kind of leaning towards the first. I don't think I'm the type of person to push someone to not follow their dreams.  I AM the type to get easily offended if I feel not loved enough.

Well...and just reread the excerpt. I don't think I'm THAT much of a hypocrite. I don't think I'd say I'd leave Tim if he asked me to stop writing while meanwhile insisting he give up his own career dreams.

Yeah. I think my anger WAS about hearing him making career goals in a way that made it sound like I might not be a part of the picture.

This weekend was the Jewish new year, so I'm supposed to reflect upon the year.

My favorite part has to be Tim. I am still madly in love with him. I get pissed at him sometimes, but I even love the things about him that drive me nuts.  

Update on life.

Melissa is at college now having a party life. 

Dawn hates her job.

I do temp work.

Tim works at Radio Shack.

Mom has a new computer. 

(There's some random stuff here about cousins I don't feel I should relay).

Life is insane! Oh, and Matthew is Jewish now. (3/15/96)

And THAT is the end of my adventures with Hallmark diaries.  I think it's funny that the last thing I ever wrote in them was about Matthew.

I have three writing notebooks I want to go through...I'll start that in a few weeks. Maybe.

In the future, I might also add my pregnancy/early motherhood journals. Right now, those still feel too fresh.  So I'll wait a bit on those.