To Be Noticed or Not

Sometimes I want more people to read my blog.

Sometimes I wish for my novels to be read.

Sometimes I have fantasies that my novels or screenplays are discovered by the kind of people who could and would turn them into TV shows.

Sometimes I wish to be famous.

Or at least thirty percent less invisible.

Often I wish it wasn’t true that 90 percent of hits to my blog were coming from a bot and that most of the humans who do visit are leaving after reading one or two sentences.  

Sometimes I find solace in the fantasy of my writing being finally-appreciated by future people.  Like after I’m dead.  

Other times…. 

I lose all the wishing and wanting

And feel dreadfully embarrassed at the thought of being noticed.  

Like being naked in a dream.

* * *

I wonder if it’s that great to be noticed.  

For people who like parties and other social activities… Yes.  It's probably very worth it.

But for people who don’t like parties, is it worth it? 

Would the stress and extra work make the validation worth it?

Yes!  Very much so!

No.  Definitely not! 

Yes and No….(depending on the day)

* * *

The nice thing is....I don’t need to decide which answer is my answer.  

I can remain undecided.  

I can go back and forth.

Because whether or not my writing gets the attention I want

Or NOT want 

Is out of my control.

Whatever will be will be.

I just need to keep writing if and when I feel the desire.

* * *

After the last few hours of angst, I can’t easily imagine wanting to write more.

I think I’d rather put more energy into my special interest…which is super important to me. 

But who knows how I’ll feel next year. 

Tomorrow I might wake up as the me who’s excited about writing and hoping to be more-noticed.

* * *

Happy New Years to those who celebrate it.