In the pop psychology communities, dealing with toxic relationships, things can get confusing.
On one hand, there's advice telling us to pull away from people who are toxic. This can range from going no-contact (full estrangement) or low-contact (partial estrangement) to going "Grey Rock" (being there physically but not giving away ammunition that can be used to hurt us).
At the same time, we are told that one of the methods used by toxic people, to control others, is the silent treatment.
It's abusive to ghost people.
It's abusive not to talk.
It's abusive to become emotionally distant.
So...
Yeah.
We're left wondering. Am I the victim trying to protect myself? Or am I the actual villain?
Am I doing something to help my mental health, or am I doing something to hurt someone else?
I've begun to see other people realizing that there are conflicting messages with all of this. And there are lists that try to distinguish between what is self-care and what is toxic-behavior.
I guess what this post is about is me doing the same. Plus I have another extra thing to add to it.
So, I'm going to divide between the three reasons why we get a bit quiet or a lot quiet.
A) The Self-Care Quietness-We realize that someone is causing too many problems with our mental health. Maybe they have lied or gaslighted us. They might have betrayed us. They might have invalidated us by minimizing our problems. We have a lack of trust in them. We realize we cannot depend on them. We realize that their presence brings more pain than it does comfort.
B) A Temporary State of Intense Emotions-This is where we are so angry and/or hurt by what someone has done that we cannot speak. So we run into our room and slam the door. We get in our car and drive angrily away. We sit at the table blinking back tears as someone pushes us to respond to them.
C) The Silent Treatment-This is where our intense, negative emotions have lessened, but we keep up the facade in order to manipulate our victim into giving us what we want. At this point we are CAPABLE of letting it go, but we refuse, because we want to milk it a bit more.
Life would be easier if these categories had thick lines between them. But no. I don't think it always works that way.
I think many of us, who have been wounded by chronic toxicity, are delusional. We hold onto fantasies of apologies, redemption, and reconciliation. So when we pull away to protect ourselves, underlying the healthy motivations is the unhealthy and unrealistic hope that our quietness will lead to changes in behavior.
Oh! Why has she been so quiet lately? I really miss her. I guess I must have done something to hurt her. I need to figure out what that is, apologize, and then make amends!
To be fair, though. There's quite a difference between being silent in hopes that a no will turn to a yes, we'll get the gift we wanted, or that a compromise will lean more towards our favor; and being silent because we want less gaslighting, invalidation, manipulation, hurtful comments, etc.
Still, it's probably important for us to try to understand our motivations—partly so we don't end up becoming toxic manipulators ourself but mostly so we avoid more hurt and disappointment.
When we're deciding whether or not to back away or hold back, it might be wise to ask ourselves Would I be holding back in order to avoid painful drama? Or would be I holding back to create drama that I imagine might lead to reconciliation?
Are we sinking into the background to keep safe or we sinking into the background, so we'll be noticed more?
I don't think it's often going to be completely the former and not at all the latter. But if it's often mostly the latter, we might want to rethink our decisions and behaviors.
On one hand, there's advice telling us to pull away from people who are toxic. This can range from going no-contact (full estrangement) or low-contact (partial estrangement) to going "Grey Rock" (being there physically but not giving away ammunition that can be used to hurt us).
At the same time, we are told that one of the methods used by toxic people, to control others, is the silent treatment.
It's abusive to ghost people.
It's abusive not to talk.
It's abusive to become emotionally distant.
So...
Yeah.
We're left wondering. Am I the victim trying to protect myself? Or am I the actual villain?
Am I doing something to help my mental health, or am I doing something to hurt someone else?
I've begun to see other people realizing that there are conflicting messages with all of this. And there are lists that try to distinguish between what is self-care and what is toxic-behavior.
I guess what this post is about is me doing the same. Plus I have another extra thing to add to it.
So, I'm going to divide between the three reasons why we get a bit quiet or a lot quiet.
A) The Self-Care Quietness-We realize that someone is causing too many problems with our mental health. Maybe they have lied or gaslighted us. They might have betrayed us. They might have invalidated us by minimizing our problems. We have a lack of trust in them. We realize we cannot depend on them. We realize that their presence brings more pain than it does comfort.
B) A Temporary State of Intense Emotions-This is where we are so angry and/or hurt by what someone has done that we cannot speak. So we run into our room and slam the door. We get in our car and drive angrily away. We sit at the table blinking back tears as someone pushes us to respond to them.
C) The Silent Treatment-This is where our intense, negative emotions have lessened, but we keep up the facade in order to manipulate our victim into giving us what we want. At this point we are CAPABLE of letting it go, but we refuse, because we want to milk it a bit more.
Life would be easier if these categories had thick lines between them. But no. I don't think it always works that way.
I think many of us, who have been wounded by chronic toxicity, are delusional. We hold onto fantasies of apologies, redemption, and reconciliation. So when we pull away to protect ourselves, underlying the healthy motivations is the unhealthy and unrealistic hope that our quietness will lead to changes in behavior.
Oh! Why has she been so quiet lately? I really miss her. I guess I must have done something to hurt her. I need to figure out what that is, apologize, and then make amends!
To be fair, though. There's quite a difference between being silent in hopes that a no will turn to a yes, we'll get the gift we wanted, or that a compromise will lean more towards our favor; and being silent because we want less gaslighting, invalidation, manipulation, hurtful comments, etc.
Still, it's probably important for us to try to understand our motivations—partly so we don't end up becoming toxic manipulators ourself but mostly so we avoid more hurt and disappointment.
When we're deciding whether or not to back away or hold back, it might be wise to ask ourselves Would I be holding back in order to avoid painful drama? Or would be I holding back to create drama that I imagine might lead to reconciliation?
Are we sinking into the background to keep safe or we sinking into the background, so we'll be noticed more?
I don't think it's often going to be completely the former and not at all the latter. But if it's often mostly the latter, we might want to rethink our decisions and behaviors.
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