Yesterday I wrote about how the Geoff and Yasmeen storyline on Coronation Street makes me uncomfortable.
One of the reasons is, I worried I was like Geoff (Ian Bartholomew) in some ways. Geoff is an emotionally abusive husband, so he is not someone most of us would want to relate to.
Today I watched another episode and got some more insight into why I feel that way.
It's because Geoff (falsely) accuses Yasmeen (Shelley King) of doing things that people, in my life, have done that annoy and/or hurt me.
I've complained about these things—sometimes directly to the person, sometimes venting to someone else, sometimes in this blog, and sometimes in my private journal.
In today's episode, Geoff accuses her of being out too long—fifteen minutes instead of the five she said it would take. Now I can't imagine expecting anyone to be gone for five minutes only. And if we had no where we needed to be, I don't think I'd be angry at anyone for being ten minutes late.
BUT I have noticed when someone is gone for much longer than I would expect them to be—like two hours instead of thirty minutes. Or four hours instead of one hour. Stuff like that.
I'm left wondering. Where did they disappear to?
Is it abusive and controlling to wonder that? I don't think so.
But then I see Geoff getting angry at Yasmeen for being gone fifteen minutes instead of five, and I find myself feeling like I'm him.
Yasmeen tries to convince Geoff that his magic show being accidentally turning into a viral comedy video is actually a good thing. Well, because he blames her for getting stuck in his magician box and has been punishing her since the performance.
Geoff accuses Yasmeen of purposely pushing his buttons. She's the one being emotionally abused; yet he's doing a pretty good job of convincing her it's the reverse situation.
But here we go again. I'VE accused people of pushing my buttons. I don't usually do it to their face, because when you have someone who truly is probably trying to push your buttons, sharing your hurt feelings with them doesn't really help. It just provides them with ammunition for future teasing and/or manipulation.
It's unnerving, though, to hear an abusive person make the same accusations I've made against others.
The third thing is, Yasmeen reaction to Geoff's behavior. She acts very wounded and eager to please She acts like someone who desperately wants there to be peace and no drama. I've seen similar behavior when I've cornered people about their gaslighting or other things that have hurt me. Well, I don't think there's been an eager-to-please attitude. But sometimes there is that wounded look. There's the attitude of, can't you just drop this. Can't we just get along and be happy and peaceful?
So yeah. I think all these things are confusing for me.
There's a term in pop psychology regarding toxic people. It's walking-on-eggshells. This is when it's terrifying to be with an abusive person, because you don't know what little thing is going to trigger an outrageous, abusive reaction.
Well, I actually heard that term first from my dad. He would use it to describe the fact that I'm sensitive. He would purposely push my buttons or say something insensitive. I would be hurt, and he would say he's tired of walking on eggshells.
So I'm weary of that term, actually. Because who gets to decide what the eggshells are and who gets to decide what constitutes walking on them?
Is Yasmeen walking on eggshells when she decides to accept her daughter's invitation for a two hour spa visit? She wants to keep it from Geoff, because she imagines he won't like her doing a social thing like that.
In the episode I watched today, Geoff threw away Yasmeen's breakfast. When she meekly told him she hadn't finished eating, he told her she could lose stand to lose some weight. If Yasmeen had the strength to express hurt over his comments, would Geoff be the one who is walking on eggshells? Could he say, I can't even make a simple observation or give you constructive criticism. I'm tired of walking on eggshells!
Yes, he could say it. Though I would disagree strongly with where he's coming from. For me, it's definitely Yasmeen who is walking on the eggshells. She should definitely be allowed and encouraged to spend an afternoon with her granddaughter. The fact that she feels she needs to hide that from her husband definitely seems like someone walking on eggshells.
Yet, what if Yasmeen actually didn't do her share of work? What if she was very frequently going out to bars and spas. What if Geoff was left to do most of everything? What if he found out about the spa visit and got angry? And then, what if Yasmeen complained that she felt like she was walking on eggshells?
Is my dad walking on eggshells, because I sometimes become hurt and angry when he pushes my buttons and/or says ignorant, offensive things. Or am I walking on eggshells, because I fear if I express my hurt feelings, I might be facing manipulation, gaslighting, punishment, etc?
One thing that calmed some of my mental confusion, about all this, was Sally (Sally Dynevor) and Tim (Joe Duttine) on Coronation Street. Neither of them are close to perfect, but they're not toxic.
Yet they're having major relationship drama right now. Because Tim is an accidental bigamist. Sally is having a hard time forgiving him for the fact that it turns out their marriage is illegitimate.
Now I personally feel she's being a bit unfair. It was an accident. Tim didn't become a bigamist on purpose. It was a matter of stupidity rather than maliciousness or selfishness. He's working to get back on Sally's good side, and she's refusing to make it easy.
This helped me remember, though, that anger doesn't just exist within toxic relationships.
It's not always an anger we can relate to. It might seem silly or invalid to us, but that doesn't mean the angry person is a toxic one. Or even if the anger IS toxic, it doesn't mean the person is a chronically and pervasively abusive person like Geoff.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that we can be sensitive and get angry, and that doesn't mean we're abusive shitheads like Geoff.
One of the reasons is, I worried I was like Geoff (Ian Bartholomew) in some ways. Geoff is an emotionally abusive husband, so he is not someone most of us would want to relate to.
Today I watched another episode and got some more insight into why I feel that way.
It's because Geoff (falsely) accuses Yasmeen (Shelley King) of doing things that people, in my life, have done that annoy and/or hurt me.
I've complained about these things—sometimes directly to the person, sometimes venting to someone else, sometimes in this blog, and sometimes in my private journal.
In today's episode, Geoff accuses her of being out too long—fifteen minutes instead of the five she said it would take. Now I can't imagine expecting anyone to be gone for five minutes only. And if we had no where we needed to be, I don't think I'd be angry at anyone for being ten minutes late.
BUT I have noticed when someone is gone for much longer than I would expect them to be—like two hours instead of thirty minutes. Or four hours instead of one hour. Stuff like that.
I'm left wondering. Where did they disappear to?
Is it abusive and controlling to wonder that? I don't think so.
But then I see Geoff getting angry at Yasmeen for being gone fifteen minutes instead of five, and I find myself feeling like I'm him.
Yasmeen tries to convince Geoff that his magic show being accidentally turning into a viral comedy video is actually a good thing. Well, because he blames her for getting stuck in his magician box and has been punishing her since the performance.
Geoff accuses Yasmeen of purposely pushing his buttons. She's the one being emotionally abused; yet he's doing a pretty good job of convincing her it's the reverse situation.
But here we go again. I'VE accused people of pushing my buttons. I don't usually do it to their face, because when you have someone who truly is probably trying to push your buttons, sharing your hurt feelings with them doesn't really help. It just provides them with ammunition for future teasing and/or manipulation.
It's unnerving, though, to hear an abusive person make the same accusations I've made against others.
The third thing is, Yasmeen reaction to Geoff's behavior. She acts very wounded and eager to please She acts like someone who desperately wants there to be peace and no drama. I've seen similar behavior when I've cornered people about their gaslighting or other things that have hurt me. Well, I don't think there's been an eager-to-please attitude. But sometimes there is that wounded look. There's the attitude of, can't you just drop this. Can't we just get along and be happy and peaceful?
So yeah. I think all these things are confusing for me.
There's a term in pop psychology regarding toxic people. It's walking-on-eggshells. This is when it's terrifying to be with an abusive person, because you don't know what little thing is going to trigger an outrageous, abusive reaction.
Well, I actually heard that term first from my dad. He would use it to describe the fact that I'm sensitive. He would purposely push my buttons or say something insensitive. I would be hurt, and he would say he's tired of walking on eggshells.
So I'm weary of that term, actually. Because who gets to decide what the eggshells are and who gets to decide what constitutes walking on them?
Is Yasmeen walking on eggshells when she decides to accept her daughter's invitation for a two hour spa visit? She wants to keep it from Geoff, because she imagines he won't like her doing a social thing like that.
In the episode I watched today, Geoff threw away Yasmeen's breakfast. When she meekly told him she hadn't finished eating, he told her she could lose stand to lose some weight. If Yasmeen had the strength to express hurt over his comments, would Geoff be the one who is walking on eggshells? Could he say, I can't even make a simple observation or give you constructive criticism. I'm tired of walking on eggshells!
Yes, he could say it. Though I would disagree strongly with where he's coming from. For me, it's definitely Yasmeen who is walking on the eggshells. She should definitely be allowed and encouraged to spend an afternoon with her granddaughter. The fact that she feels she needs to hide that from her husband definitely seems like someone walking on eggshells.
Yet, what if Yasmeen actually didn't do her share of work? What if she was very frequently going out to bars and spas. What if Geoff was left to do most of everything? What if he found out about the spa visit and got angry? And then, what if Yasmeen complained that she felt like she was walking on eggshells?
Is my dad walking on eggshells, because I sometimes become hurt and angry when he pushes my buttons and/or says ignorant, offensive things. Or am I walking on eggshells, because I fear if I express my hurt feelings, I might be facing manipulation, gaslighting, punishment, etc?
One thing that calmed some of my mental confusion, about all this, was Sally (Sally Dynevor) and Tim (Joe Duttine) on Coronation Street. Neither of them are close to perfect, but they're not toxic.
Yet they're having major relationship drama right now. Because Tim is an accidental bigamist. Sally is having a hard time forgiving him for the fact that it turns out their marriage is illegitimate.
Now I personally feel she's being a bit unfair. It was an accident. Tim didn't become a bigamist on purpose. It was a matter of stupidity rather than maliciousness or selfishness. He's working to get back on Sally's good side, and she's refusing to make it easy.
This helped me remember, though, that anger doesn't just exist within toxic relationships.
It's not always an anger we can relate to. It might seem silly or invalid to us, but that doesn't mean the angry person is a toxic one. Or even if the anger IS toxic, it doesn't mean the person is a chronically and pervasively abusive person like Geoff.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that we can be sensitive and get angry, and that doesn't mean we're abusive shitheads like Geoff.
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