Speaking of mental health....
I'm not having a good mental health morning.
I'm not anxious or depressed. I'm not really angry.
I'm confused!!!!!
Like really confused.
I don't even know how to describe it. But I hope I manage it to some degree, so someone can read this and tell me what's happening.
The best I can say is it feels like that while half of my brain is talking to my son and husband about politics, texting my sister, making lunch looking up actors on IMDb to see if they're Australian....
Another part of my brain is in the midst of a waking dream or...like I'm colliding with another Dina in one of the alternate universes.
Maybe I shouldn't say I'm not anxious, because this IS making me anxious.
Although maybe it's also making me excited. I mean it's scary if this is the beginning of a major mental illness. But if it's a supernatural multiple universe thing, that could be a lot of fun...eventually.
Maybe I'm on the verge of trading places with my alternate self. I mean not that I want to permanently change places with my alternate self. I'd miss my son, husband, cats, and all that. But maybe like a temporary thing? And how about one of those things where I have this long adventure in my other universe but when I come back, it turns out I was gone for only an hour.
It probably feels more like a dream thing, though.
Well, that's a dumb thing to say. I can't really say what it feels like to collide with one's alternate self, since as far as I know, I've never done that. I mean this might be EXACTLY how it feels when something like that begins to happen.
But still. I'll try the dream comparison...
You know when you're going about your day and something you see, say, hear, etc. suddenly reminds you of a dream. Well, that's how I'm feeling except it's happening a lot. Like close to constantly. And I don't feel these memories are something that happened last night or this morning. I feel they've been happening seconds ago, minutes ago, maybe a few hours ago.
It is SO, SO weird.
I guess the good news is I THINK this blog post is coherent. And I think I'm managing to have coherent conversations with my family. So at this point, it seems I can lose a chunk of my sanity and still be functioning okay.
That's actually not something I've heard a lot about. I hear about high-functioning depression, high functioning autism, high functioning anxiety. But is there much written about high-functioning psychosis?
I do feel less anxious now that I've written it down. Maybe.
If I became too anxious about it, then that probably wouldn't be a high-functioning psychosis.
Actually, maybe, in general, it's the anxiety and depression that makes psychosis unbearable and causes someone to not be able to function well. If someone is happy with their hallucinations and delusions, would it be so bad?
Right now, emotionally speaking, I just have frustration. It's similar to the frustration we have when we see an actor and can't remember where we've seen him before or when we hear a song and don't know where it's coming from.
It's like I'm having all these little memory bytes and I don't know where they're coming from. But it's not like big memories like...remember when we were all on that spaceship or remember when I won the Oscar or remember when I took off all my clothes in the middle of a cruise ship.
It's little everyday kind of memories...like reading and writing things.
Shit. It's so hard to explain.
I'll just say that mentally...I think this might be the weirdest I have ever felt.
Edited to Add: I just want to say that things have gotten worse not better. After posting this, I looked at the time and it was around 3:30. I FELT like it should be 12:30...or 1:30 at most. I feel like two or more hours of my life have been stolen. It's like I really did go to an alternate universe. But all I have are vague, flashes of memory. That's not fair. If I'm going to visit an alternate universe, I want it to be exciting and wonderful, AND I want to have clear memories of the whole thing.
Anyway, also...with the annoying time jump, I also had sudden confusion about what day of the week it is, and is today my shower day or not my shower day. I also felt stressed because I felt the day was reaching it's end and I still had a lot of my household chores to do. I rushed to do that thinking doing these normal activities will relax my mind a bit.
It didn't really help alleviate my symptoms of weirdness. BUT it does make me feel a little better knowing that I did what I was supposed to get done.
I'm still having the weird flashes of memory, though. It's so, so weird.
What's funny is I think it began after I wrote the post about being triggered. I think before that I was fine (relatively speaking) So writing the post about being triggered has maybe triggered me into this really weird mind state.
I'm not having a good mental health morning.
I'm not anxious or depressed. I'm not really angry.
I'm confused!!!!!
Like really confused.
I don't even know how to describe it. But I hope I manage it to some degree, so someone can read this and tell me what's happening.
The best I can say is it feels like that while half of my brain is talking to my son and husband about politics, texting my sister, making lunch looking up actors on IMDb to see if they're Australian....
Another part of my brain is in the midst of a waking dream or...like I'm colliding with another Dina in one of the alternate universes.
Maybe I shouldn't say I'm not anxious, because this IS making me anxious.
Although maybe it's also making me excited. I mean it's scary if this is the beginning of a major mental illness. But if it's a supernatural multiple universe thing, that could be a lot of fun...eventually.
Maybe I'm on the verge of trading places with my alternate self. I mean not that I want to permanently change places with my alternate self. I'd miss my son, husband, cats, and all that. But maybe like a temporary thing? And how about one of those things where I have this long adventure in my other universe but when I come back, it turns out I was gone for only an hour.
It probably feels more like a dream thing, though.
Well, that's a dumb thing to say. I can't really say what it feels like to collide with one's alternate self, since as far as I know, I've never done that. I mean this might be EXACTLY how it feels when something like that begins to happen.
But still. I'll try the dream comparison...
You know when you're going about your day and something you see, say, hear, etc. suddenly reminds you of a dream. Well, that's how I'm feeling except it's happening a lot. Like close to constantly. And I don't feel these memories are something that happened last night or this morning. I feel they've been happening seconds ago, minutes ago, maybe a few hours ago.
It is SO, SO weird.
I guess the good news is I THINK this blog post is coherent. And I think I'm managing to have coherent conversations with my family. So at this point, it seems I can lose a chunk of my sanity and still be functioning okay.
That's actually not something I've heard a lot about. I hear about high-functioning depression, high functioning autism, high functioning anxiety. But is there much written about high-functioning psychosis?
I do feel less anxious now that I've written it down. Maybe.
If I became too anxious about it, then that probably wouldn't be a high-functioning psychosis.
Actually, maybe, in general, it's the anxiety and depression that makes psychosis unbearable and causes someone to not be able to function well. If someone is happy with their hallucinations and delusions, would it be so bad?
Right now, emotionally speaking, I just have frustration. It's similar to the frustration we have when we see an actor and can't remember where we've seen him before or when we hear a song and don't know where it's coming from.
It's like I'm having all these little memory bytes and I don't know where they're coming from. But it's not like big memories like...remember when we were all on that spaceship or remember when I won the Oscar or remember when I took off all my clothes in the middle of a cruise ship.
It's little everyday kind of memories...like reading and writing things.
Shit. It's so hard to explain.
I'll just say that mentally...I think this might be the weirdest I have ever felt.
Edited to Add: I just want to say that things have gotten worse not better. After posting this, I looked at the time and it was around 3:30. I FELT like it should be 12:30...or 1:30 at most. I feel like two or more hours of my life have been stolen. It's like I really did go to an alternate universe. But all I have are vague, flashes of memory. That's not fair. If I'm going to visit an alternate universe, I want it to be exciting and wonderful, AND I want to have clear memories of the whole thing.
Anyway, also...with the annoying time jump, I also had sudden confusion about what day of the week it is, and is today my shower day or not my shower day. I also felt stressed because I felt the day was reaching it's end and I still had a lot of my household chores to do. I rushed to do that thinking doing these normal activities will relax my mind a bit.
It didn't really help alleviate my symptoms of weirdness. BUT it does make me feel a little better knowing that I did what I was supposed to get done.
I'm still having the weird flashes of memory, though. It's so, so weird.
What's funny is I think it began after I wrote the post about being triggered. I think before that I was fine (relatively speaking) So writing the post about being triggered has maybe triggered me into this really weird mind state.
Perhaps you're experiencing de ha vu? Don't be too worried about it. The universe is a mysterious place.
ReplyDeleteBarney,
ReplyDeleteYeah. That was a weird day. Fortunately, it hasn't helped again. Now my mind is pretty much back to normal...or normal for me. And it's the world that's gone weird. Well...weirder than normal.