When it Comes to Senses My Mind is Kind of Blank

For the most part, I've been watching Yo Samdy's Sam's autism videos in chronological order. Sometimes, though, I peek ahead. One day I saw she has a video about something called aphantasia. I found the word interesting, I guess.  Or the universe wanted to torment me....

I looked it up and learned the term refers to people who can't imagine things in their mind.

It would be nice to be one of those who read that and thinks, Wait! You mean some people can't visualize things? I can't even imagine!

No.

Instead I was one of those that thought, Wait. Holy shit. Do you mean that most people can see things in their mind?

Now it's really confusing. Because we can't know for sure what other people are visualizing...seeing...imagining. Maybe I'm underestimating my abilities. Maybe other people are overestimating theirs.

Things in my life, though, started making sense. Well, what I mean is that aphantasia could explain a few things...such as...

1. I remember my dad finding it cute/amusing when I told him I forgot what he looked like. I guess I was at camp?  He probably thought I was joking. But no. Sometimes I can't picture people in my mind.  If you name a random person in my life, I might be able to picture them. I might not. Sometimes I draw a complete blank.  

If I can picture someone, it's often of a specific memory of them in a photograph. For example, right now I can picture my dad in a particular old photo...probably from decades ago. I can barely picture Jack...my own son. I can't picture Tim.  

Now if I try again later, I might be able to picture some of them or all of them. 

My mind does not lack an ability to see images. I have vivid dreams. And when I am awake, random images...sometimes faces of people pop into my head. It's more like I can't do it on demand.  

2. Aphantasia could explain why I'm bored by scene descriptions in books. I usually skim over them. I'm usually like, who needs all these details?  But now I'm realizing...if you could read a book and actually get an image in your head, how magical that would be.

It also helps me understand why people push books over watching TV.  In the past, I've kind of thought. They're all stories. Who cares if you get the story from words on a page or actors on a screen?

3. I don't picture book characters in my mind.  Or at least I can't create an image based on a description. I do sometimes look at IMDb lists of books made into movies or that have at least begun casting, so I can imagine the characters.  But I'm not sure if I then actually see the characters OR if I'm more doing it out of curiosity.

4. The whole police sketch thing makes so much more sense to me now. I never could understand how someone could describe, in detail, a person they saw for a few traumatized moments. Even if it was not for a few moments....even if it was for many awful moments, I don't think I could do it.  Well, even if someone was sitting right in front of me, I'm not sure I'd have the right vocabulary.  That aside, though, I I wouldn't be able to hold a strong enough image in my head to describe them. I probably wouldn't be able to picture them at all, period. 

5. It now makes much more sense why my past life regression hypnosis experience was so disappointing. It seemed to me that for other people, it's like watching themselves in a movie...or feeling like you're actually there.  I just got very vague images or ideas. It was more like dull flashes. I mean not dull as in boring but dull as the opposite of vivid.  

When first learning about aphantasia, I  probably did overestimate the abilities of the average person. I started to think that other people had like some kind of super power where they could think of something and have it appear clearly in front of them.  Watching The Queen's Gambit set me straight. Because when Beth Harmon (Anya Taylor-Joy) sees the chess board on the ceiling of the orphanage, it seemed like this was being presented as quite an extraordinary ability.  

I guess the average person lies somewhere between what I can do and what Beth Harmon can do.  

Anyway.....

Aphantasia isn't always limited to sight. It can effect the other senses as well.

I am pretty sure I used to be able to imagine smells and tastes.

I say used to, because....

I was listening to the Imagineer Podcast about the best Disney smells.  They talked about a smell called Ocean Breeze.  I didn't remember it. I asked Jack about it, and he said he knew what they were talking about.  This made me come to the realization that not only could I not imagine or remember that smell, but I could also not remember other classic smells like the bromine.  Nor can I smell the orange blossoms in my head.

My mind has gone blank.

I started asking myself, could you EVER smell these things in your mind?  Maybe you never had the ability.  

Then I started realizing I can't really imagine tastes in my mind. And I'm almost positive I COULD do that in the past. Because this is how I'd know if I had a taste for a certain food. I could taste it in my mind and that would make me want it in real life.  

I don't think the taste memory thing is completely gone. I still can sometimes sort of imagine how something tastes. But it's been greatly reduced.

Why?

I don't know.

I also don't know when the ability began to fade.  

If anyone reading this is wondering if they might have aphantasia, there's a test you can take on this website. Or you might be curious about whether you have the opposite—hyperphantasia.  The test can't give us a perfect diagnosis, though. Because what one person thinks is a moderately realistic image, another might label it as dim and vague...

If you want to know more about aphantasia, the same website has an FAQ

I do have some self-pity for not having a super power...or even a power that most people have. Even if it's not at Beth Harmon's level, it does seem pretty magical. And I have even more self-pity for losing a power that I used to have.

But on balance, I've come to realize I have closed-eye hallucinations...which are really cool.  Sometimes when I close my eyes, I see random things. Sometimes I see what looks to be galaxies of stars spinning around. Other times I see what seems to be cartoon characters on fast forward. I saw some kind of chart a few weeks ago. It was moving so fast, I couldn't read it.  But it seemed kind of important. I mean it felt like I was chosen to receive super important information. That made me feel like I kind of had a super power.    

 

I can't really remember what this taste liked
or smelled like. But I know I liked it.

 

Read my novel: The Dead are Online