The Confusing Rainbow

In the autistic community...and by community, I mean the #ActuallyAutistic online community, there are two conflicting dogmas viewpoints that I often encounter.

The first is that Autism is a spectrum.  And it's not a spectrum as in Red is the most and Blue is the least.  It's a spectrum that represents a huge variety of traits and experiences.  So while one autistic person may be hypersensitive to pain; another might be hyposensitive to pain.  Or while one autistic person easily gets motion sickness, another autistic person might seek out dizzying types of experiences.  

The other viewpoint is that you are either autistic or you are not.  There is no little-bit-autistic.  

If there is such huge variety in the autistic experience and yet there is a rigid line between autistic and not-autistic, how do we decide who is autistic and who is not?  

Well...I was sitting here beginning to argue with myself.  Well, Dina. Duh. There are tests.

But the tests aren't full proof.  For one thing.  Let's say there are 25 autistic traits on the test.  One person might come out as super autistic because they could relate to 23/25 traits.  Another person might come out as not-autistic, because they got only 10/25 traits.  But what if the latter person had those 10 traits very strongly while the 23/25 person had the traits to a very minor degree?

Or...okay, I don't fully understand how validity of tests are tested.  But I do think.... they take a test, give it to autistic and non-autistic people; then say Well, look the autistic people scored higher on the test than the neurotypical people.  So that means the test works!"

If in the next few months, let's say I'm asked to participate in an autism study.  I would be put in the autism group *  If I was asked to be in a study a few years ago, I would have probably put myself in the neurotypical group.   

Yet I am the same person then as I am now.  As society defines autism, it's something you have to be born with.  So if I am autistic today, then I was autistic yesterday. I was autistic last week. I was autistic ten years ago.  

It's all very confusing to me.

Sometimes I will get imposter syndrome when I think of a certain autistic relative.  He is very obviously autistic.  When I compare myself to him, I don't feel autistic.  It seems really strange to put myself in the same category as him.  Then I think of my sensory issues, my social issues, my special interests, my stims, etc.  I think of the whole the-spectrum-is-wide idea.  I remind myself that I passed most of the autism tests.  I also remind myself of another relative who is also professionally diagnosed but, like me, has less obvious autistic traits.  Thinking of all this, I can quell those imposter-syndrome feelings.

But then I think of other relatives who don't consider themselves autistic and have not sought out a diagnosis.  They have some autistic traits, though.  I mean all my relatives have at least a few traits of autism.  

Yes, I do seem to have more traits than them...or my traits are stronger.  Whatever.  But what if the difference between myself and my so-called not-autistic relatives is a smaller difference between myself and my diagnosed super-obviously-Autistic relative?

Many weeks ago, I saw a video and read an article about this activity where autistic people could fill out this diagram to explain, via illustration, their experiences of being autistic.  I think part of the purpose of the activity was to show how wide the autistic spectrum is.  It looked fun. But then I read a warning on it.  It asked neurotypical people to be careful when doing the activity.  They didn't want neurotypical people ending up with diagrams that looked like the diagrams of autistics (or other neurodivergent people).  

The article say: Keep the extremes in mind and try to understand yourself relative to experiences that would meet those extremes. Can you recall every word you’ve ever read? Are your motor skills so impaired you can’t grip a pencil or take a few steps? Is your pain tolerance so high that you wouldn’t notice third degree burns?

So...we've seemingly left the world of autism-is-a-spectrum to if-you-don't-have-these-very-extreme-traits, you're allegedly a neurotypical.  

Then the article goes onto say that if you misjudge your traits, this is appropriation.  

Let's see then.

If my neurotypical sister dares to compare her dislike of green peppers with my intolerance to the smell of tuna fish salad....she is appropriating my disability? Yet if she goes and gets diagnosed with autism...or decides to self-diagnose as autistic; then the comparison is kosher? 

I really am not sure what I'm trying to say with all this.

It might be that it would make sense to either:

A) Make autism a much tighter spectrum.  So maybe it would have my certain obviously autistic relative and someone like Temple Grandin.  But people like me, Elon Musk, Greta Thunberg, Anthony Hopkins, etc. would fall off the spectrum.  (putting myself in the same category as these people feels like a major delusion of grandeur.  But...can't think of more mediocre autistic-people off the top of my head.  I mean ones that would be recognized by the general public) 

B) Keep autism a wide and beautiful spectrum.  But get rid of the us-vs them bullshit.  And let people themselves decide if they are autistic or not autistic or a little autistic or maybe-kind-of-autistic or I'm-not-autistic-but-I-can-totally-relate-to-autistic-people....

On the Spectrum!
I got a bunch of very cool rainbow
pictures while babysitting my parent's
candy on Halloween.  I should use them
for all my autistic posts!

*That's if I get my official diagnosis stamp.  I passed the initial screening, the second part of the diagnosis process, and did the diagnostic interview.  Now I'm waiting on the official stamp....which is supposed to happen in the next few weeks.  (this disclaimer is brought to you by my Imposter Syndrome) 

Read my novel: The Dead are Online