When Music Hurts

I was cleaning the cat bowls when I felt this awfulness—a mix of extreme sadness and fear.  An awful foreboding....A trapped-in-hell kind of feeling.

I had a similar feeling a few nights ago.

In both of these shitty moments, I had been listening to music.  A certain style of music.  I'm not sure what the style is called, but it's like the Lumineers.

That's what I was listening to when cleaning the cat bowls.  

I asked Alexa to play "Cleopatra" and moments later, I felt really horrible.

The Lumineers are probably my favorite music group.  So this kind of sucks.

There was this other very haunting music.  I loved it. I think maybe I heard it while waking from a dream.  So for me, it had a magical dream-like feeling to it.  Then later, I tried listening to it.  A part of me loved it, but another part of me felt too haunted by it.  

I just searched to find the song.  It's called "Some things Cosmic" by Angel Olson.  It's SO beautiful...but also painful (for me).

Lyrics and the melody of songs can influence my emotions.  But I think the biggest thing for me is associations.  If I hear a song during a difficult moment, later when hearing the song....the negative emotions will return.  

Or it could be that I heard the song during a happy or neutral time but because of life circumstances, that memory is now bittersweet and painful.  

Oh!  I think I remember what song made me very distressed the other night.

I think it was Lord Huron.

They're going to be in concert right near our townhouse tomorrow night.  I saw them on the coming-soon billboard during my walk.  I Googled to see who they are; then listened to some of their music.  I liked them. They reminded me a lot of the Lumineers.  I thought it was cool that they'd be singing near me.  I even considered walking down the street towards the concert, so I can hear them a bit.  

But....

Then I listened to them as I was trying to fall asleep, and I felt like the world was ending.

Actually, the world-ending-thing doesn't really describe what I'm feeling.  Because the end of the world...though very sad, would also be kind of thrilling.

What I'm feeling is more like what I feel when watching a really dark, depressing horror movie.  Like the original Pet Sematary or The Ring.  (Rather than horror movies that have a bit of hope and/or humor)

Anyway, back to Lord Huron.  I think their music is what gave me the dark-depressing-horror-movie feeling.

For the past few months, my happy-comfort song has been David Bowie's "Magic Dance" from  Labyrinth  (which I don't think I've actually ever seen).  

For me, it's probably the theme song for our townhouse life.  

I'm wondering...if I stop listening to the song and then hear it again in a few years....will the feelings I have be good or bad?

There is some really awful stuff going on right now in our lives. There is some painful stuff.  But there are also good things.

I have no idea how I'll end up feeling about 2021 in the future.

I mean I don't think I'm going to look back at 2021 and think, That was a wonderful year!

No. That's not going to happen.

But I wonder if I'll think: Despite the shit of 2021, I still have some good memories. 

OR...will I try to block out memories of 2021?  And if the latter is the case, I probably won't ever want to listen to "Magic Dance".