More journal stuff.
Okay, here I think I was getting a bit disturbed...and a bit silly.
Note: The blue is what was printed in the journal. The green is what I wrote.
I felt I had control of my life when I was able to go without eating for over forty hours.
Note: The blue is what was printed in the journal. The green is what I wrote.
I felt I had control of my life when I was able to go without eating for over forty hours.
Yeah. And a few years later I would have an eating disorder that started mostly as a need for control. I think it was about 40% pressure to lose weight for my sister's wedding and 60% feeling that I didn't have enough control of my life.
Counting calories, steps, pounds, etc. helped me feel like I had some control.
Important decisions I made-to start eating again (2001)
That was in 2001. So when did I write the thing about not eating for 40 hours?
Before the eating disorder, I did have some periods of disordered eating.
There were also times where I would get very hurt—very upset. Then I'd deal with it by not eating for awhile. Emotional fasting, I guess.
Things I learned from disappointments-From the Darlene F. incident I learned not to trust job offers until they are in writing. Also don't accept a job unless you truly want it. (or are broke and starving).
What was my deal with reminiscing over the lost job?
The story....
I was volunteering at a NYC private school to get experience. The teacher there got me in touch with a teacher at a prestigious public school. I had my interview. I didn't really click with the teacher, and I didn't feel really capable of being what she needed. But she gave me the job anyway.
I'm guessing I felt a mixture of relief and fear. Yay! I have a job! Shit! I'm going to fail at it miserably!
Then soon after I got the job, she called and said her old assistant was returning, and she didn't need me after all.
Now, at the time, I took it as a huge insult.
And she probably was NOT overly excited to have me there. Maybe she just felt obligated because of my connection to her teaching friend. But perhaps she really was sort of okay with me and then her beloved assistant changed her mind about leaving.
On the other hand, maybe she thought I was so awful that she simply pretended the old assistant was returning. Maybe she was just trying to let me down easy.
It wasn't that easy.
But I survived.
And I got a teaching job eventually.
