Monday, April 23, 2018

My Life in 1994 (Part 7)

More excerpts from my old diaries.

My early Internet Adventures continue....



I want my stuffed animals, so I looked in the attic. All the boxes are on top of each other. It is impossible to get anywhere!

I'm sick of everything. No, I'm not. I just want my stuffed animals back. (6/9/94)

I wonder why the sudden need for my stuffed animals?

When my parents moved from this house, they cleaned out the attic. I remember they laid some of our old stuff down in hopes we'd claim it. From what I remember, there was some rodent damage. I don't think it was a pretty sight. Lesson there? Don't save important, nostalgic stuff in an attic or basement that's often infested with rats, squirrels, etc.

I wrote 2 angry email letters today. One was about Last Temptation of Christ and the other was about June 9. I should not have been so harsh. (6/10/94)

June 9? As in the day before? Why was I angry? And why was I angry about The Last Temptation of Christ?  Who did I send these emails to?

I talked to my parents about SEX today...weird.

My dad seems to drink a lot lately.

Truffles ate my bookmark. (6/13/94)

There's some foreshadowing there—not the sex talk and not the drinking but about the dog who would eat the wrong stuff.

I am in NY. Our plane was about 4 hours late. We ate at a cool pizza restaurant. I had a pizza with goat cheese and sheep cheese. It was great. Our waiter looked like Evan. Well, actually he acted like him. There are gorgeous guys in New York.

I was thinking I remember now. The reason I didn't like NY is I wanted to be a part of it rather than just watch from a distance. I think I like it here. I'm sort of nervous about tomorrow. What if I shake or stutter? (6/15/94)

What I meant is I wanted to live in New York—be a New Yorker rather than a tourist.

The nervousness was regarding an interview for graduate school. I was trying to get into NYU.

I'm wondering, though, if tremors and/or stuttering would count as disabilities, and would they be covered under discrimination. If someone believed they didn't get a job because of a tremor or stutter, could they fight that?

And no, I don't think that's why I didn't get into NYU. I'm just wondering. Also, I don't have a stuttering condition. If I stuttered, it would only be because of extreme nervousness.

I felt nauseated today. I liked Columbia much better than NYU. Columbia was beautiful. I talked to one of the professors, and he was so nice. (6/16/94)

I liked Columbia better, but I totally forgot that I applied there. Memory is a funny thing.

We saw She Loves Me. Jonathan Freeman, the voice, of JAFAR was in it. It was so exciting. (6/18/94)

I don't remember it at all!

We also saw Miss Saigon and Broken Glass on the trip. I remembered seeing Miss SaigonBroken Glass, I remembered only after seeing it in my diary. And the memory is vague.

My father has become so uncharitable lately. He has turned so heartless. Oh well. 

One beggar said he had HIV virus. I've never met anyone who told me they had HIV. I didn't know what to say. I said, "Hope things work out". But how could they? (6/18/94)

I hope I gave him money when I said that.

It's hard to know what to do with people begging for money. I'm not against it. I think begging for money is more morally reputable than some occupations people have.  But there ARE so many people begging. And if we give them all money, we might have nothing left for our grand tourism plans. Plus, sometimes I don't remember to have money handy. It's a pain to have to open up my bag, rummage through my money, etc.  I mean it's not just annoying. That makes me sound very superficial. But I also fear I'm going to end up dropping a bunch of credit cards, my library card, etc.

So, we can't give money to everyone asking for it. Then what do you do when you reject someone? I usually do the avoidance tactic. I pretend not to see them. I ignore them. That's cold, but it seems worse to make eye contact and then reject them.

I am getting depressed. I just feel so down and worthless. I feel like I have talent, but as a human being I am shit. No, I am not that bad. It's just that I'm not very nice. I also have so many physical problems. I feel so often like hiding forever from all humans and just living with animals. (6/19/94)

What a coincidence! I still feel that way sometimes.

I've been reading Stephen King's Dark Tower series and June 19 is very significant to the story. It's also the day that Stephen King was hit by a car. It would happen five years after I had that particular self-esteem attack. And on THAT exact day, Tim and I would be having our wedding rehearsal dinner.

There is a white pigeon hanging out at our house. We saw that it has a tag on its foot. I think it is a lost homing pigeon. It is pretty.

I wonder why it is hanging out at our house. (6/19/94)

That's kind of exciting.

I love birds.

The bird came back today. It let me get very close. (6/20/94)

That was on the five-year pre-anniversary of our wedding. Maybe the bird was an omen.

The bird is still there. I think it is a dove. It is very beautiful. It just stands out there all night. (6/21/94)

There are so many spiders on the balcony.

I sprayed a huge white one. 

It was so scary.

Melissa and her friends scared the bird away (not purposefully). I'm glad since I sprayed the spider area. I've seen 3 different types of spiders up there. It is like spider world. I think I am going to spray again, because too many spiders scare me. (6/22/94)

Wow.

I've really changed a lot when it comes to spiders!

I like most spiders now. I'd be excited to see them on the balcony.

And I very rarely use bug spray.

The bird sleeps outside again. Today we also saw it during the day.

Becky helped get down the monstrous spider webs. (6/23/94)

These days I love spider webs.

There was a new web up today that looked like the one Becky took down yesterday. There was a tiny white spider. It looked like it could be the big white spider's baby. I thought maybe I'd stop killing the spiders and let them stay. I know it is weird, but I like bugs. They keep me company. (6/24/94)

Okay....

I understood that gradually I'd get over my spider fear. I didn't expect the process to begin the very next day.

I miss the people at camp. I wonder what has happened to them. (5/25/94)

In five years, I'd be married to one of them.

Melissa and I fed turtles. Dad is drunk again. I love animals these days. Melissa thinks she is so mature, but I think she is super immature. (6/25/94).

She was probably more mature than me, at least.

These diaries sound like they come from someone that's much younger than 21. I was looking again at the massive list of proposed female-Aspergers symptoms. One of them says,
Feels significantly younger on the inside than on the outside (perpetually twelve)

That is so incredibly me. Although I think I've matured a bit. By now I probably feel about 14.

I'm doubting that's the case for my sister. I'm guessing she felt older than 16 rather than younger.

We went to the alligator farm and saw many alligators. There was spiders everywhere. (6/26/94)

I remember that. And my miraculous spider-transformation hadn't fully happened yet, because I remember being freaked out.

Oh, and by the way, we were in Florida for a wedding. I don't think there's an alligator farm in Texas.

I think my favorite celebrities are: Steven Spielberg, Tim Rice, Mike Myers, and other SNL people, and others. (6/28/94)

It's funny because two of those people popped back up on our radar again recently. We saw Mike Myers reprise his role as Dr. Evil. And Tim and I (plus probably zillions of other people) listened to Jesus Christ Superstar.

At the grocery store, I saw Lion King toys. I wish I could play again. When I have kids, I'll be begging them to play with me rather than vice versa. (6/28/94)

It ended up that I would not have to beg my son to play with toys with me.

I don't think we ever played with Lion King toys, though.

The Real World was so good today. Mohammed and Pedro are so sweet. In order, I like Pedro, Cory, Mohammed, Pam, Judd, Rachel, and Puck.

Pedro is adorable.

I think I vaguely remember Pedro. He died, I believe.

Shit. I just Googled.

Pedro Zamora died in 1994.  He must have died while the show was airing, or had just been completed.

Is the Real World still on these days?

I did some more Googling.

They had a season for 2016-2017. I guess it's still in existence...unless that was the last season.

Shit. Lord Wiki just shared some controversy with me.

In it's 25 years of existence, the show has NEVER included an Asian man. That's really shameful. What the fuck is the deal with that?

I'm starting to realize I am quite liberal. I never thought I was. (7/2/94)

Really?!  Did I think I was conservative?

Well, I did have some homophobia in my teenage years. I don't think my homophobia, though, was strong enough for the Republican party.

I feel I am very close to my mom. I am going through this stage of feeling now that I am so attached to my mother and so eager to have a daughter of my own or a son. I can't wait to have a baby. I want to have a child so bad. I hope I have money because having kids when you have money is fun but without money it is probably somewhat a nightmare. I think I'll have kids 5 years apart. (7/4/94)

That was fun to read. I hope I have more of these pre-mother insights in my diaries.

I'm glad I had some times in my life where I felt very close to my mom.

We went to eat at the Olive Garden today. (7/6/94).

Funny. Jack was just saying the other day that he'd like to try eating at the Olive Garden. I guess the last time we ate there, he was very young.

I read the Palestinians want Jerusalem. That sort of makes me mad. What if we tried to take Mecca? (7/7/94)

I'm smarter now and understand that Jerusalem is also a holy site to Muslims. But how does it compare to Mecca?  Is is equal in holiness? More so? Less so?

Lord Wiki, and this website, say that Jerusalem is the third most holiest city in Islam. So I guess it's slightly less holy than Mecca

Lord Wiki says for Jews, the Temple Mound is the most holy site in Judaism. And that's in Jerusalem.

We saw Forrest Gump with Rick W. and Sandra. (7/9/94)

I've been kind of skipping over all this, but wanted to mention that it seems I went to the movie multiple times a week. I think mostly I went with my family, but sometimes I went with other people.

I go much less now—probably just a few times a year.

My parents still go a lot but probably not every single week.

Dad and I watched old movies. I was cute, but I seemed autistic. I never smiled. (7/10/94)

I think I seemed autistic, because I WAS/AM autistic.

I've never been officially diagnosed. But like I said...it fits.

I was such a dork my whole life. I watched videos of myself in 9th grade. Gross. I was ugly and weird. Melissa was ugly too, but she was cute. I wonder when I left my ugly stages. When I watch videos now I'm not as disgusted with myself. As long as I do not speak. (7/12/94)

I was shy and awkward...especially on camera.

It might have also been because my dad was the one doing the filming. I STILL feel shy and awkward around my father...even though he's not carrying around a video camera.

We went to Dallas today. I bought a bunch of Peter Pan figurines, black jeans, blue jean shorts, a black shirt, and a maroon dress. (7/14/94)

I used to love buying little Disney figurines. We have a drawer full of Disney figurines. I wonder if the Peter Pan ones are in there. Maybe I'll check later.

I LOVE that I ended up having a son that is a huge Disney fan. Disney has played a huge part in his life and our life in general. I hope it continues to do so.

I am afraid of the night now. Our house is full of bugs. It is spooky.  I heard a noise and a cricket dropped out of my fan and onto my bed. (7/15/94)

The house had been infested with crickets.

Well, I don't know if it was a literal infestation. But there was a LOT of them.

This was another bad memory in terms of my relationship with my dad.

I remember telling him that a cricket had fallen from my fan. He didn't believe me! Even though I had seen it with my own eyes.  I know it sounds really trivial. And in a sense it is. But I feel it symbolizes something big, and it's related to the whole theme of BELIEVE WOMEN.

At least believe your daughters...unless there is a huge amount of evidence against what they are saying.

I don't think there was ample evidence against my cricket sighting. It's not like I said I saw a great white shark or funnel web spider emerging from the fan.

Melissa annoyed me because she invited me to go swim with her and Steven. When I got out there she had him made me feel extremely unwelcome. (7/16/94)

Rude!!

What's the deal with that, Melissa?!

Anyway, I'm going to end this post on that day, because it was the 27th birthday of my future husband. I wonder what he did to celebrate.  I hope it was something fun.

Was he living on Staten Island back then?  If he was, I'm guessing his sister and future brother-in-law took him to that Polynesian restaurant. I think they go there a lot.