Sunday, April 22, 2018

My Life in 1994 (Part 6)

I'm excited to read about my 1994 summer. Because I don't remember anything about it!

I know I was still into Judaism. But was there anything else? Any major crushes? Did we go on any adventurous vacations?

One thing I know is that I lived in the house we're living now. The office, in which I do my blogging, was my bedroom.

I did a whole lot today. I unpacked, fixed my photo albums, set-up my computer, set up my VCR, went to the library, finished reading the Anne Rice book, wrote 3 letters, and started the cruise video. Now I am tired...exhausted! (5/10/94)

I had a hell of a time working on the cruise video. Major electronic difficulties. It took me all day. Dawn gave me some cool stuff for my computer. I need to lose weight. I'm fat and ugly now. So far this summer has been busy and fun. I love being able to walk to the library. (5/11/94)

I wish I could say I've grown into a woman who doesn't care what she weighs and doesn't feel ugly when she's gained weight. But that would be a lie. And I prefer to be honest.

I wonder what kind of stuff my sister gave me.

My computer is so fun now. I want a modem so I can talk to people. It will be like having penpals!! (5/11/94)

The beginnings of something beyond huge.

I went to the library today. There were so many books! I didn't know where to begin. 

My new rule is get 50% Jewish books and half fiction/half non-fiction. I picked up some fairly interesting books.

I also got a Hebrew tape and the movie Taxi Driver.  I started to watch the movie. It seems awesome. Robert Dinero is really cute. His character is weird/sick, but he seems sweet. (5/12/94)

I kind of miss movie-fan Dina. Though now I'm TV-Show-Fan Dina, and I like that. There's not really enough time to be both.

Grandma Goldie is in the hospital. Another thing to worry about. (5/13/94)

I hate that kind of worrying.

I wonder how Jennifer is. I really like her. I can't believe that for a few weeks we were enemies. 

Jennifer is so nice and she is mentally-weird. People should know you can be mentally weird and nice too. (5/13/94)

I like that idea. It's something we all need to remember.

We all have issues, some more severe than others. Sometimes we see these issues as a valid excuse for horrible behavior. Maybe in some cases there's some merit to that. But I think there are people who despite being depressed, having schizophrenia, having agoraphobia, having OCD, being autistic, being alcoholics, being neurotic, etc. still manage to be kind and caring people.

Jennifer...though. I'm not sure about her mental "weirdness". I doubt it was any more severe than mine.

Dad got drunk today and made a total fool of himself. He said something rude to Steven. Then he went upstairs and apologized cause we forced him. Then when I came up, he was slurring a long, corny speech about dreams. It was an embarrassing moment. (5/14/94)

I don't remember this. But I do remember my dad getting drunk, coming upstairs, and giving Melissa, her friends, and me a speech about how it's okay to drink, but just don't drink and drive. Or something like that.

I called James but he was not home. I left a message for him. I doubt he'll call back. (5/14/94)

I guess I was still holding onto some kind of hope.  By then, it might have been just for friendship.

Story. Long time ago, I had my teeth pulled. It was at the time my cousin Suzanne came to visit. I was in 4th, 5th, or 6th grade. I was disgusted by the lost teeth. They were in a little envelope. I threw the envelope away, and then I'd find the teeth again.

I threw it away; then it reappeared.

Finally they disappeared.

Now more than 10 years later, Suzanne's sister comes to visit. And when she leaves, I happen to glance into my bathroom cup and there are 3 human teeth. 

What is going on! My teeth! Or are they my teeth? (5/15/94)

That's a TRUE story!  It's one of the biggest mysteries of my life.

I didn't remember, all these years later, that Joanne, my cousin, was connected to it all. It makes the story even stranger.

Both Joanne and Suzanne suffered from severe mental illness, and both of them died tragically young. It makes me wonder if the teeth were some kind of omen. Well, they both were mentally ill before the teeth thing happened, so it wasn't a warning about that.

I don't know.

It IS a strange coincidence, though.

What is the difference between being extremely romantic (crush) and sickly obsession? Christian Slater (Adam) would break into Marisa Tome's bedroom and watch her sleep. We thought it was so sweet. But if a guy did that to me, would I not be afraid?

Does James think I am obsessed with him? Does he think anything of me?

Today I had a story in my mind. James receives my video and calls me. He says don't ever call or send me anything again. Then later I become famous and successful, or for some reason he regrets what he says, so he calls for my forgiveness.

I tell him I can never forgive him because what he said hurt me profoundly and was (can't read word here).

Now I am pissed at James again for something he did in a day dream. (5/16/94)

Funny. I had a similar thing happen to me this morning.

I was thinking about how a certain person has been dismissive about one of my problems. I imagined them changing their mind because of pressure from society. I started getting angry!

BUT that was a bit different, because my anger IS partly righteous. The person shouldn't have been dismissive about my problems in the first place.

James, on the other hand, did nothing wrong...outside my daydream.

By the way, the video I sent was an edited/montage video of the cruise.  According to my diary, I worked hard on it for a few days. I think I hoped that by sending the video to our cruise friends, I'd rekindle some of their cruise-love.

My teeth were in the cup for a long time. But they could not be my teeth. Becky said they were there all along. (5/16/94)

Becky was our housekeeper.

I do wonder where the teeth came from. Who did they originally belong to?  How did they end up in my cup? Why did I first notice them when Joanne came to visit?

I got a modem today. It is so much fun. I stayed up all night. (5/17/94)

Well, that contradicts what I said in a previous post—that the cruise was the only time I did an all-nighter.

I'm going to side with my memory here and assume I didn't mean all-night literally.

James called today. Actually it was tonight. I felt bad because he told me a story about drunk animals. I was not laughing enough for him. Sometimes James gets on my nerves. (5/18/94)

Why did James call? And why wasn't I more excited about that? It seems like I had been waiting so desperately to hear from him. Then when it happened, I didn't seem to be too thrilled.

All this time, Dawn didn't know I was scared to drive. She thought I just didn't want to. Why would someone not want to drive. Sometimes she doesn't make sense. (5/19/94)

Are there reasons to not want to drive besides fear?

I guess dread of the DMV.  But that's probably fear as well.

Today online I talked to Cliff1234 who was nice but annoying. I also talked to a 12 year old girl named Krissy. These people get annoying sometimes. 

I don't want to become addicted. I might start limiting my time.

I'll say 2 hours a day and then later decrease it to one hour.

My favorite part probably is getting email. Instant messages get on my nerve. I need to find out how to turn that off. (5/19/94)

Well...I guess now I know what that summer was all about!

Are celebrities on AOL or just wannabees? (5/21/94)

This makes me grateful for the blue check system.

I went into a room called Jewish Singles and I felt like such a dork. I was so polite and everyone else was snobs. I went to a small theater room. They seemed more nice. (5/21/94)

The chatroom days....

The bestest thing happened tonight. Evan called. He is so sweet. He called twice and he kept having to get off the phone. (5/23/94).

I think I'm beginning to understand my lack of enthusiasm over James' phone call. I think I had switched back to preferring Evan over him. Why? I think it was because of some dreams I had—dreams in which Evan was nice and James was not.

What else is happening? My dad had his card game friends over. My mom is sick. Truffles eats everything in sight. (5/24/94)

Truffles would end up eventually dying from eating something she wasn't supposed to.

Today we found a bird in our house. It was a tiny baby. It was in the corner of the exercise room. It always faces the wall. Right now it is in my room in a shoebox. It chirps a lot. But I think it is quiet now, getting ready for sleep. (5/25/94)

I remember having a baby bird for a few days! I did NOT remember that we found it in the house. How did THAT happen?

Our house does collect wildlife, though. Last winter we had rats living with us.

I am so tired right now that my head hurts. What's up? Oh today is a day of miracles. I thought the Audrey was dying. It was so sad, but then the bird lady said she'd be okay. (5/26/94)

Audrey was the name I gave to the bird.

You know, I'm glad to be reminded by my diary that we found the bird in the house.  I remembered rescuing a baby bird but thought it had come from outside. Recently I read that it's not usually a good idea to "rescue" a baby bird—that it's parents might be just around the corner. The baby might be enduring some kind of parent-led lesson.

So I felt a bit guilty for what I had done. Also, I vaguely remember my dad being unhappy about the rescue. I hate reading something that tells me my dad had been right all along.

But if it was in the house, of course we'd have to rescue it. We couldn't just leave it there, hoping that bird-mom and bird-dad showed up.

I was in a room about Israel on the computer and it annoyed me. I was sitting there sticking up for the Palestinians.

I am so sick of racism and prejudice and hate.

In a way, this computer causes me major stress. (5/26/94)

The Internet causes so much stress.

But it also opens our mind.

Sometimes it changes our viewpoint.

Sometimes it lets us better understand the prejudices and injustices of the world.

There's good and there's bad.

I've been feeling very down on myself lately so Melissa tries to cheer me up. I'm not depressed. I just feel bitchy and a social reject. (5/28/94)

It was nice of Melissa to try to cheer me up.

My dad is being so annoying today. He is so selfish lately. He thinks he's king of the world. Toby and Truffles are so cute. I miss Audrey though.

Melissa and I are getting along pretty well.

This is what my dad does. He says something stupid and selfish and gets everyone mad. Then he acts stupid and corny to get people out of their bad mood. But his corniness puts us in a worse mood. (5/29/94)

I don't think my dad still does the thing of trying to get people out of a bad mood by acting silly. It doesn't feel familar to me.

On AOL I went into a vampire room. There, people thought they were truly vampires. There was a guy on the "front porch" who seemed anti-semitic. They were talking about the Jews killing Jesus. I said if you are going to blame Jews for the death of Jesus, than you must also blame Jesus too. Because he was a Jew.  So technically it was a suicide. (5/30/94)

Yep. Quite true.

Since Jesus knew there was life after death and also knew he would rise from the dead; did he really make that big of a sacrifice?

I think it was more of a spectacle than a sacrifice.

If he really wanted to make a sacrifice, he should have given up chocolate for a year.

I don't think there was chocolate back then, but maybe he could have come to a time that had chocolate.

If he came today, giving up Netflix would be...very holy and impressive!

Let's see. Today I went into a racist skinhead room and yelled at an asshole named Turd. Then this other guy said who is racist and left. I found him and said please tell me you are not racist. He said he is not and that he is Jewish. I wrote him and said Ditto Ditto. (5/31/94)

I'm getting the idea that a huge chunk of my social interactions, that summer, were via the Internet.

At Fridays, I talked to mom and Dad about NYU and Columbia. They were weird. They would say things to compare NYU and Columbia. Then they'd shut up and say beggars can't be choosers. Then Dad says that I'll probably be the top screenwriting student. He was serious. I'm happy he has that much confidence in me, but I'd be happy just to get in even if I am the worst. (6/1/94)

It was very nice of my dad to say that!

At times, he has been positive about my writing. I appreciate that.

The Jews hate themselves. Jewish anti-semitism prevails. They all hate the Jews, but the Jews hate themselves twice as much as everyone hates them. (6/2/94)

Where do we draw the line between self-hating and being reasonably critical about our own group?  If past-me saw today-me, I'd think she'd label me as a self-hating Jew. But I feel I'm just realistic, reflective, and honest.

I love Keanu Reeves. I saw Speed today. Great movie!! James called. I was happy but I felt bad because it's his b-day. I was contemplating whether to call him and instead he calls us. (6/3/94)

This reminds me of something recent. We were in Austin, and I told Tim to hurry and call Judd (our brother-in-law) for his birthday. Judd calls Tim a lot. I worried he'd call before Tim called, and then it's all awkward.

What's worse is when someone texts, emails, calls you. Then later you remember it was their birthday and you hadn't said anything.

The other night I had a wonderful dream about this gorgeous Asian dude. And today a guy who looked like him cut my hair. I wanted to ask him me out but he has a girlfriend. He was so cute. I like how he cut my hair. (6/3/94)

I went to an Asian chat room. I think I'm off Jewish guys and into Asian ones. (6/3/94)

Within that year, I'd have a boyfriend who was Asian...AND Jewish!  Two birds with one stone.

I'm amused right now, because I'm thinking about how these diaries began with me having a crush on Han, who was Asian. I think Chinese?  So I could turn these diaries into a book and call it, How I Finally Caught Myself an Asian Man.  

Does that sound racist?

Well, I AM racist in that way. I can't and won't deny it.

I saw Much Ado About Nothing. It is such a romantic movie. Kenneth B and his wife make such romantic movies. Dead Again was so romantic. (6/4/94)

I don't think they're together anymore. Are they?


I Googled.

Their relationship ended in 1995. He had an affair with Helena Bonham Carter. That's so sad.

I like both those actresses a lot.

Last night I called James and we talked for about an hour. I had a lot of fun talking to him. We talked about his girlfriend and my 1 week relationships. It totally made me feel better to talk about it because the secrecy torments me. Most of the time we joked around. And then last night, I had another dream about the Asian dude. (6/6/94)

I like imagining that I was having psychic dreams about Tim.

Just wanted to make a note here. In the beginning of these diary adventures, my plan was to copy what I wrote exactly, only adding punctuation when needed. But now I've decided it's best to also fix typos.  If it's an ignorant grammar error, I'll keep it in for authenticity. But if I know it's a matter of simply missing a word or doubling a word, I'll fix it. One of the reasons is that when I go back to proofread, it's hard for me to know if the mistake is from the 1990's or if I made it when I was coping from the diary.

For an example of a typo I fixed, in the actual diary it says, I had a lot of fun talking him.  I know I was smart enough to know that a to is needed there. I just missed it, because I was writing fast. If I had written, I had a lot of fun talking too him, I would have kept that in to show my error.

Mom and I ate lunch at China Coast. The waiter was so annoying. He started reading us the menu. (6/6/94)

I think I remember this! It was this Chinese restaurant that seemed blind to the fact that Chinese food has been fairly common the US for many decades. They acted like we needed help with this super exotic cuisine.

We saw Thomas Keneally today.  He is a cute little Australian man.  His talk was interesting. (7/7/94)

I love seeing Australia mentioned in my past.