Friday, April 27, 2018

My Life in 1994 (Part 11)

New Diary Time!

This diary, with its evidence of the Mandela Effect, is my favorite of all my diaries. But apparently my past self wasn't a fan.

This is not my usual type of diary and I'm not sure I like it. Actually I really do not like it, but I won't waste it. (10/21/94)

I don't understand why I didn't like it. I've always liked childhood nostalgia type things.

I came home today. We went to the mall. Melissa and I walked around together. I bought the Evita CD and the Hook video. Melissa bought some jewelry, including a star of David earring. 

I read my old diary and found a repressed memory. Russ bruised my legs. I think that is the main reason I stopped liking him. (10/21/94)

Well, I guess even back then I was forgetting things. 

I got in a fight with my dad today. He was a real asshole. He started denying the whole Exorcist thing and said I made the whole thing up, that he would never do something like that. Then when I said what bothered me was I asked them to turn it off they wouldn't. He said in his stern, disgusted voice that I was selfish. 

Yes a 6-year-old is selfish for asking her parents to turn off a horror movie. When I got quiet, he yelled at me to snap out of it. Later he came to my room and said very angrily that he wanted to tell me what was on his mind. I told him I was getting dressed and would come to see him later. He said, like a 3 year old, I maybe busy later. I said maturely that I did not want to talk about it and that he hurt my feelings and I just needed time alone. He said okay in the voice of an angry toddler.  Then I was listening to music in my closet and about 4 minutes later, I realized he was yelling this long speech from behind my door. I heard only about 3 words of it. Oh well. I think he has mental problems. (10/21/94)

I'm glad I actually recorded some of the gaslighting. Though it makes me feel somewhat physically ill to read it, I feel vindicated. I guess a part of me has somewhat gaslighted myself about the past gaslighting.

Regarding The Exorcist, I think the gaslighting has happened in various forms throughout the decades. Sometimes it happened, but it's not really that big of a deal. Sometimes it didn't happen. I made the whole thing up.

One of the most recent conversations I remember (within the last five years, probably) is my dad admitting yes, he did have us watch The Exorcist. But what's REALLY disgusting and awful is that I made up these lies about him physically FORCING us to watch it. 

In other words, he made a minor parenting mistake. But the real awful person? His daughter who made up horrible lies about him.  

I had no idea where he got that story from, and just kind of sat there shocked and speechless. Later, though, I realized where he got the idea.  He used to tease me about forcing me to watch The Exorcist. He'd make up joking-threats. I think it was along the lines of what happens in a Clockwork Orange.  So he took these threats and twisted it in his head—turned them into something I had invented rather than him.  

I know that when I was a young child I was exposed to things that terrified me because of a conscious choice made by my father. I know I was not comforted and protected. I know throughout the years I've been gaslighted about it.

What I do NOT know is whether this gaslighting is conscious or not.  Does my dad remember everything and purposely manipulates me?   Or is my dad in denial? Does he truly believe that he's this close-to-perfect father who is being victimized by his dishonest, horrible daughter?  

Today we went to the zoo and I was videotaping a gorilla. Right while I was filming, he put his hand to his mouth and barfed into it. (10/23/94)


I vaguely remember that.

By the way, I think I understand my dislike of the diary now. I'm guessing it was not the Bernstain Bears that bothered me but the material of the diary. It feels different. The paper is stiffer and less smooth. I wonder if it felt scratchy when I was writing on it.  Maybe kind of resistant?  

My dad and I got along today. I was tempted to tell him I heard relatively nothing of his raging fit speech, but I figured telling him that would only cause trouble. (10/23/94)

I AM curious now about what he was ranting.  

It is fun to start a diary and to wonder where you will be at the end of it. This diary should probably end sometime in April. (10/23/94)

I just peaked in the back. I was wrong. It ended in February!  

We saw the Shawshank Redemption. It was really good. I felt claustrophobic because I was sitting between mom and dad. (10/24/94)

I'm guessing it was an emotional kind of claustrophobia, because, in a movie theater, don't you usually sit between two people? Well...if it's a crowded theater, at least.

I wish I could go back in time and get rid of Jesus before he would cause so much shit. Jesus, that is that one man the Jews should be ashamed of. Not that he was an asshole, but he did cause a lot of shit. (10/24/94)

Whether Jesus was real, fictional, God, or not-God, I think the believers are the cause of shit. Not Jesus.

If cruel and violent people didn't have religion, they'd find another excuse to hurt others.

Tonight was so horrible. I don't even want to talk about it. I just want to disappear. I wish I was someone else, somewhere else.

I am so afraid that I'm going to kill myself, that one day I will just snap and kill myself. There is a part of me that is so self-destructive. And then there is another part of me who is so against suicide and so grateful to be alive. I don't know how to be all these people at once. (10/25/94)

Well....I've managed it for about 45 years!

I do sometimes still worry about snapping and killing myself. I don't worry about becoming very depressed, planning out a suicide, and then going through with it. I don't think I'd ever do that.  I do worry about having a nervous breakdown and doing something spur of the moment. But it would have to be like I'm having a huge fight on top of a cliff or something, and I just jump.  If I had to walk to the cliff, I'd probably lose my nerve by the time I got there.

In a way, maybe that's what my fear of heights is partly about. It might be that idea of going crazy suddenly and jumping.  

I also used to have lucid dreams where I'd use a high place to jump off and start flying. I'd get worried that one day I'd THINK I was in a dream, but...oops.

All this being said, I've had mini-nervous breakdowns during my life. I've had times where I've been incredibly angry, incredibly hurt, and my self-esteem has plummeted. I've never come close to killing myself.  The worst I've done, in terms of self-injury, is scratched myself with my fingernails. 

I grabbed a bottle of pills during the ouija board drama, but I don't think I even opened it.

Also, around that time period, I tried to suffocate myself in my bed with my blankets, but I think that was more experimental. I don't think I was very determined or serious.

Mom and I both liked Pulp Fiction. (10/26/94)

Funny. I have a hard time imagining my mom liking that movie.

I had a good day but I feel my depression feelings arriving. This morning I felt depressed. (10/27/94)

Matt is really cool. We talked about what foods we don't like. He doesn't like ketchup, mayonnaise, or salad dressing. (10/28/94)

Maybe that's the main reason Matthew and I became best friends. I despise mayonnaise.  

I didn't remember that Matthew and I shared that in common.

The sad thing is, I have felt anger and not-love towards Matthew ever since the MeToo movement started.  It's not that he did anything sexually abusive to me. But he laughed when I shared a story. So I've been angry. My regretful feelings of no-longer being friends with him have changed to a feeling of I'm-GLAD-you're-out-of-my-life.  But maybe reading about the good times will be healing....

Tonight I really bonded with Karen and Brian because they walked me home. Brian is so sweet because he seemed really sad that I would be leaving.

I feel weird talking to a guy who has a girlfriend. But I need to get over that, because it is immature. (10/29/94). Actually with my history, being aware of the risks was probably wise and mature.

I am really happy with these friends. They're cool. Everything is great. Knock on wood. (10/29/94)

I keep talking in a baby voice which I need to stop. (10/31/94)

Yeah. I kind of remember that. I don't know why I did it. I don't think I do it anymore.

It's funny that earlier I had written about my dad talking like a child.

I suppose we all regress at times.  

I fell asleep in psychology again. The girl who sits next to me says I was perfectly still and did not drool, snore, etc. That is a relief. I am starting to feel like I have some form of Epilepsy. (11/1/94).

I'm guessing I meant narcolepsy?

I remember a professor questioning me about falling asleep in class. It would happen despite me getting decent sleep most nights.

I remember feeling somewhat ashamed and guilty, but it wasn't something I could stop. It would just happen.

A black dog followed me home from the bookstore. A girl in 217 helped me feed him and give him water. I think he stayed in New Village all day and people played with him. (11/2/94)

That's sweet. 

There's something magical about a dog or cat following you all the way home.  Well...unless they're scary and have rabies, or something like that.

We went to an ACE meeting in New Village. There was this Australian guy named Haden that I had met before but I pretended not to remember him.  

He was really nice and I thought maybe he was interested in me. But these guys with cool accents are always seeming interested when they first meet you, but then when I see him again, he will probably show no interest.

He is so cute, though, and he sang U2 songs for us in the New Village field. (11/3/94)

Warning: Another crush saga is coming up.

As for pretending not to remember Haden, I'm GUESSING that what I meant is I got the idea that he didn't remember me, so I pretended not to remember him.  I was probably trying to avoid that awkward situation where you remember meeting someone and they don't remember you.

If he did remember me, and I pretended not to remember him?  Well, hopefully that wasn't the case, because it would be rude and manipulative.

Karin and Anne are super nice to me now. I am so happy that Anne is nice to me now. I wonder if she ever liked Russ, still likes Russ, will hate me if she finds out I like Russ. (11/4/94)

Yeah. I still liked Russ. Or crush had gone into remission; then it returned.

I remember Karen and Anne, vaguely. Or one of them, at least. When I was trying to remember Dana and imagined a girl with wavy blondish hair, I think I was remembering Karen or Anne.

I wish I could see Haden. Thursday night we might go to David's and eat so we can end up seeing Haden. We all like him. (11/4/94)

Did Haden work at David's?  Or maybe we just knew he hung out there a lot?

We drove home in the rain and I was really scared again. I went to see Frankenstein with Karin, Luke, Matthew, Chris, and I guess that is all. I loved the movie. (11/5/94)

I don't remember ever loving a Frankenstein movie. But I'll take my past word for it!

After the movie, I hung out with Karin and Luke until 3 in the morning. We told our whole life stories. Karin told more because she had diarrhea of the mouth and couldn't shut up! I like her a lot. She has terrible self-esteem like me. We are a lot a like. (11/5/94)

Well, let's see. I saw Haden today near Holt and I didn't say anything. He didn't even seem to recognize me. I thought look, he has forgotten me already. But then I went to David's to pick up some nachos and he was there! He was really nice and friendly. I said we might go and see him at David's. He said he'd stop by and pick us up. (11/7/94)

What the hell was up with the guys at this school?

It sometimes seems like I went to school not knowing it was a special school for people with dissociative disorders. 

I do not need to write a paper for my philosophy class. That relieves a lot of stress. (11/8/94)

This is another thing on my short list of memorable academic-related college experiences.

My major was psychology and one of the required (?) classes I took was the philosophy of psychology. Or something like that. It was taught by a philosophy professor.  I think he was well-respected and loved by philosophy students, but my psychology class was lost. We dreaded this paper we'd have to write. Then one day he told us we weren't his people and we didn't have to write the paper.  We were off the hook. We probably should have been insulted, but I think most of us were just relieved.

Now I'm wondering if it was some kind of test. Maybe he had wanted us to fight for the right to write the paper. Or maybe he wanted us to run over a bunch of people with a trolley.

I'm not sure.  

I'm wondering now, though...hadn't he taught this psychology class before? Were we the first to be given a pardon from the writing assignment?  

Luke told me that Anne and Jenny are mean to Karin. Everyone seems to talk bad about Karin, but I like her a lot. I feel a need to protect her. I think because she reminds me of myself and I want someone to protect me from the hurt. (11/8/94)

Yeah. I think maybe people with self-esteem issues need to stick together and support each other.  If possible.....

Today in ACE I sat between Haden and Russ. For me to choose Russ is pure stupidity. Haden really seems to like me. He came over twice and when we invited him to the basketball game and the movie, he said he'd go. (11/10/94)

I'm not sure what I mean by choosing Russ. I have this feeling that Russ had no interest in being chosen by me.

I NOW have some ideas about what Haden wanted from me. But I didn't know it back then.

I never would have believed this would happen between Hadyn and I. And I think all this shows God is up there planning little soap operas. 

The first night I met Hadyn was the night I worried whether Austin likes me or not. I was so into Austin until Hadyn came along. Then I found him quite interesting until Austin got jealous and finally gave me attention. And now Hadyn comes to enter my life when I am all worried about Russ. (11/11/94)

I'm confused. Was that all the way back in my junior year when I first liking Austin? Did I meet Hadyn for the first time then?  If so, it's not surprising he'd forget me. I probably remembered him only because of his Australian accent.

Hadyn was a total asshole today and that upset me. I hate when guys show a lot of interest and then drop you, because I keep wondering what did I do wrong? (11/12/94)

From what I remember, Haydn was super sweet—acted very interested and was very romantic. He put on the mask of the perfect potential boyfriend. We got a bit physical but not overly so. Then the next time I saw him, he treated me like dirt.

My theory is he was after one thing, and was putting a lot of creative effort into getting it. Then when he realized, I was less easy than he hoped, he quickly lost interest.

OR...he had a dissociative identity disorder, and the personality, who was madly in love with me, had gone underground.

I hate guys. I hate guys. I hate guys. I hate guys. I hate guys. I hate guys. I hope Hadyn chokes on his vomit and goes into convulsions. He is such an asshole. I thought God was trying to be nice by sending Hadyn my way, but he was just being an asshole. God must be a male. If God was female, I wouldn't have this problem. Fuck this. Fuck all guys. They should all go to hell. I hate men. I hate men. I despise male creatures. I am so depressed and so damn sick of this shit. Why does this have to happen twice in one fucking semester? I don't know what I did wrong. I don't understand at all. Guys like me one minute and then they don't. It is not fair. (11/13/94)

Yeah. It's all a bit frustrating. 

Now, reading it, I just feel like I was experiencing what all humans are bound to experience. But I think back then, I was taking it personal.

I felt bad all day but my mom called and cheered me up. Even if Hadyn is truly a jerk, I can still hold out hope that he'll turn out okay. And that maybe he was in a bad mood. (11/14/94)

I'm wondering what my mom meant about that. Maybe it's that men are assholes, period. And just because a man treats you like crap, it doesn't mean they're not interested in you.

A part of me is arguing with that. But you shouldn't settle! We should find men who are NOT assholes, are not moody, and treat us consistently with respect. But the experienced and realistic side of me says, there is no such thing as a man like that.

I have forgiven Hadyn and will try hard to be nice to him and I'll try not to call him or lose myself or act desperate. Ann saw him yesterday and he was talking to someone about "I keep trying to call and she hangs up on me." So he really is not over his ex-girlfriend. So as much as I am hurting, he is hurting more. Also as much as I'd like to call and say I'm there for him, I know how much I hated when I wanted one person to call and someone else called instead. (11/15/94)

I'm not sure whether I should be touched or disgusted by my compassion here.

Today was quite nostalgic. I saw Rolando today. We talked about old times for awhile. He said he used to see me just as a buddy, and now he sees me as a desirable woman. (11/16/94)

Rolando was one of my first semester friends.

Hadyn has not called yet or sent that big bouquet of flowers. He needs to hurry up and get his butt over here. I feel like I'm over my depression, but I do think of Hadyn quite often and I still have hope. I keep wishing for him to call, but I have enough friends to keep my mind off things. (11/16/94)

I think this was more about me trying to have a sense of humor than me being delusional. Though I'm sure there WAS some delusional wishing going on.

I wonder what ever happened to Hadyn. Did he go back to Australia? Did he stay in the U.S? Did he use many more women?

Then I was near tears and Andrea was pointing at me, saying I looked like I was about to cry. And then in front of everyone, I started crying. I just can't stop crying for stupid reasons. I think I laugh a lot too, so it is at least balanced. (11/17/94)

I guess I was in some sort of heightened emotional state.

Today I saw Hadyn and I saw him from far away and did not know it was him.

I thought that guy could be Hadyn, but it isn't. And it was. And he was rude and unfriendly.

Anne and Karin say they see him, and he is rude to them. 

What happened to our Hadyn?

I just thought of a good story. A woman meets a guy who is perfect for her. But it ends up he is just a multiple personality of a jerk. (11/18/94)

Even back then, I had the multiple personality theory.

I still like the story idea, and it actually seems fairly plausible...unless you're one of those people who don't believe that dissociative identity disorder is real.

I believe it's a real disorder.

And I'm going to let myself believe that there's this Australian entity that's trapped inside an Australian asshole. And that lovely identity was once madly in love with me.  I'll imagine he was a college student falling in love in Tennessee. He went to bed; then the next thing he knew he was waking up at a forty-year-old man in a pub in Broken Hill. How did I get here?

That story is actually kind of depressing. 

Maybe I'll go back to the one where Hadyn is an asshole who was missing his ex-girlfriend and TRIED to use me, because he was also missing having sex.

Today I am full of so much rage. I am just hurting people and hurting myself. I feel terrible and hopeless but I don't want to die. I just want to be all alone. I don't want to go to Thanksgiving. I wish I could go in the graveyard and stay there. (11/19/94)

There was a cemetery near my college, so that's why I sometimes say stuff like that. I mean it's NOT why I was depressed. But it's why I would see the graveyard as some type of place to go to when feeling depressed.  

I wonder if I ever did go alone.

I don't remember ever going alone.

But, as my diary is showing me, there are events and people in my life that I have forgotten.  

I told Karin and Matt about how I think I may have been sexually abused. I don't want to diagnose that, but I don't know why.  Why am I like this? (11/19/94)

It could have been mysterious, forgotten sexual abuse. Or it could have been caused by other things. Emotional (non-sexual) abuse. Past life abuse? Personality disorder?

Who knows.....

There is a part of me that is still a child and it is not a happy child. She is a very mean, selfish, demanding, viscous, manipulative little girl. (11/19/94)

My present self might be too generous, but I don't think I was ever THAT evil.

I did have moments of manipulation. I remember that. I would feel hurt and insecure; then purposely act difficult to test people's love.  

I think, though, that the description of my inner child was more a reflection of my low self-esteem than my behavior.  

Today I was not depressed from about 12 onward. I am very proud. The first good thing was I finished my English paper in about 15 minutes. I was so stressed about it, because I have no idea how to write a poetry paper. My next proud thing was Hadyn. I saw him at the soccer (can't read word here) He wasn't super nice, but I am proud of how I acted. I did not ignore him and I wasn't desperate. I was friendly, asked him questions, and I even joked with him. I did have an urge to grab him and say, Hey Shithead. What happened to you? But I kept my cool. I am so proud. (11/20/94)

I was proud of myself for being nice to a guy who treated me like crap. I think if I could do that moment over again, I would have chosen the ignore-him route.

It would have been different if he had approached me. With that, I think there is strength and courage in being civil. But to approach him? Not necessary and not deserved.

I still feel bad about Hadyn. Today I remembered how I leaned against him and his heart was beating so fast. I listened all day to the song from Miss Saigon and it reminds me of him. 

I want to know why he did it, but it is too common to answer.

The same thing happened to Dana with Tony.  She thought things were great between them.

I think what hurts so much is you start to worry and think, were they having a terrible time while I thought I was having a wonderful time?

I think the lesson for this is more distrust and to not pretend that you like someone a lot if you don't. It's not fair to hurt someone so badly, is it?  (11/21/94)

I think the first half of that lesson was advice for me so I'd avoid getting hurt again. The second half was a reminder not to do the same to someone else.  

Too often people use other people and give them false hope about love...for various reasons: sex, needing a rebound relationship, needing an ego boost, etc.