Wednesday, April 4, 2018

My Life in 1989 (Part 2)

More excerpts from my teenage diaries.

Life is double weird. I started forgetting about CF. My mind was almost on Larry. And then I met a new friend Stewart. Can you believe that?  And the circumstances that involved meeting him were Twilight Zone. He called tonight. I like him a lot and I am like forgetting about Larry. (4/3/89). Stewart had CF.  I think what I was saying is that I was replacing my CF interest with Larry-Love. But then Stewart entered the picture, and CF came back to mind.  I wish I remembered the weird circumstances in which I met Stewart. Maybe I write about it in a future diary entry?

I am so depressed. It is the same as when I found out Melissa moved the ouija board. The thing is, nothing is that bad. It just seems as if the world is dying. Everyone seems so depressed and bored. All of a sudden I hate Stuart. Maybe because one minute he seems to like me and the next time he acts like he hates me. (4/12/89). I've experienced that feeling multiple times in life. I'm sure most people have. It's that feeling of being totally confused about where you stand with someone. I don't agree with my past self in terms of comparing it to the ouija board situation.  BUT...I'm totally against comparing and minimizing other people's problems, so I probably shouldn't do it to my own past self.

Yesterday I went to the hospital with Stuart for camp orientation. It was weird because he was so nice to me. As if we were friends again, maybe even more. The way he treats people makes me think maybe he treats all his friends that way. He was so nice, though. He is a great person. I think I've always known that but he was so nice yesterday. I wanted to say "Stop being so nice because tomorrow the only thing you'll say to me is hi."  (4/24/89)  You know...I still don't understand why people do this hot/cold thing. And do I do it to people as well?

Yeah. I guess I probably do.

In my case, I think it's usually that I'm switching between disliking, tolerating, and liking. I will really dislike someone for their behavior, and I probably act cold towards them. Then later I might think of some positive aspects about them, and suddenly, I'll feel all this warmness.

Matt R has no where to go. He feels so unwanted. It's hard to believe how adults can make an adult person feel so unworthy. (5/30/89).  I have NO idea what or who I was referring to there.

I just realized I had changed the spelling of Stuart's name. I'm guessing the second one is the correct one. I guess when I first met him, I had the spelling wrong.

Today we played Nintendo a lot. I think I'm getting Kristen book published because my writing teacher said so. (6/25/89).  The writing teacher was wrong, but still...I appreciate her support.

We are in San Francisco right now. We are in the hotel watching Naked Gun. We went to Chinatown, Golden Gate Bridge, and a crooked street. Some dudes left us some cool stuff from a convention. I am so obsessed with the dumb batman thing. (6/24/89). I was referring to Tim Burton's Batman.  I think I ended up with a bit of a Michael Keaton crush. Also, I really loved the soundtrack.

I don't remember the cool stuff from the convention.

Today we went to a Redwood forest boring. Went to Sausilito Forgot money. Ate a gross salad (bunch of leaves. Came back to hotel and took showers. Watched the Jetsons and Punky Brewster.  (7/25/89) Did my whole family forget money or just me?

Dawn is a a bitch, and Melissa is hyper. Dad is driving me up the wall with his "this is world famous" speeches.  (7/31/89).  Ah...traveling with family.

I love Michael Keaton. I am watching Madonna's Express Herself video. She really loves to touch herself. (8/1/89) Yep. My memory was right about the Michael Keaton crush.

And more from that day....

April called like 100 times (literally). I miss her so much. Rachel called too. I feel like a grandmother, and those kids are my grandchildren. I love when they call me, and I love buying gifts for them.  I like showing their pictures off.

I'm guessing April did NOT literally call me 100 times. But who knows...

April was a child I met when volunteering at the Cystic Fibrosis camp. It's funny. This is the first time my diary mentions the camp besides the mention of going to the orientation with Stuart.

I listened to the messages on the answering machine. April called like 5 times. I miss her so much. One time she sounded like she was crying and another she said Dina I want you to come back. (8/4/89). That is really really sweet. Twenty-nine years later and reading makes me feel loved.

We all went to Knott's Berry Farm. It was hot and I didn't feel good. Dawn is nice now but before she was being a bitch. (8/5/89).  It's nice to know that my sister and I had some moments where we got along.

I gave Jennifer a note saying she is a liar but if she admits to it I'd be willing to forgive her. Oh it was so hard. She was so nice today. She acted like she did in 9th grade when Heather died. She was the only one who could make me laugh. (10/10/89) Was she nice before or after I gave her the note?

I do remember Jennifer and the lying.  I don't think it was anything like gaslighting. It was more like she'd make up stuff and pass it off as facts. She could get away with it until she happened to make things up regarding a subject you knew about.

I'm not sure why she did it...probably to get attention? Feel important?

Becky is on drugs and she brags about it. I want to slap her. She is such a bitch. How could she do this? I thought she had a great imagination. I was almost worried (not sure if this is the word) that she had more talent than me but it was the drugs that painted the pictures. Shit. My dreams and imagination are much more complex and symbolic then hers and I don't need L.S.D  (10/10/89). Wow! I was a little Jeff Sessions back then. I don't know why I'm naming him. There must be other famous, annoying anti-drug people.

I knew I wasn't a fan of drugs when I was young, but I didn't know I was THAT ignorant and uptight about it.

Note: I am still not into trying drugs myself. I've never done LSD. I've never even tried pot. I don't drink. I don't drink coffee.  I drink a little tea.  But through the years, I've become very supportive of other people making their own choices regarding drugs.

Larry is so nice. I like him a lot. I'm sure he likes me but it might just be as friends. But then friends are the most important. (10/18/89).  Yep.

Sometimes I feel like Zelda. I feel like an outcast in the family locked away, a dirty secret. I used to hate Zelda but now I don't. It wasn't her fault. It was their fault. 

Besides Zelda was only seen through the eyes of Rachel.

It's like the ouija board. The whole family saw me as this horrible freak. If that night was a movie, I'd be the bad one but that isn't true. It's not fair. April is so much like me. She acts younger than her age and so do I. No one complains at school. I seem to have more friends than ever, but my mom calls it unattractiveness, abnormal, etc. 

I was referring to Zelda from Pet Sematary.  I'm wondering if my mom directly insulted me. I wouldn't be completely surprised. But it's also possible that the insult was by-proxy.  I don't know if that is the correct term to use here, actually. might fit.

My mom might have spoken negatively about someone I strongly related to, and then I took it personally.  An example of this might be...Instead of someone saying, Dina I think it's annoying that you get so obsessed with things, she might go on and on and complain about a creepy cousin. And why is she creepy? Because she gets obsessed with things.

When people do things like that, it's hard to know if they're being passive-aggressive or if they've just forgotten that what they're saying applies to you as well.  With my mom, from what I know of her, I think it would be the latter.

The odd numbered years are bad luck. In 7th grade, Noah, Jason, Grandpa, and Great Grandma died. I got mono.  In 9th grade I lost my best friend, Heather O'Rourke died, and the ouija board disaster happened.

This year is 11 and so far there has been a major hurricane (Hugo) the giant earthquake, Beau might have cancer, Grandma's having an operation, Jennifer's Grandpa died, and Michael's cat died.

About six months later, my sister would be hit by a drunk driver. So I could add that to the mix.  She was fairly okay in the end...but it was a long, stressful journey.  

I find it interesting that I label my grades as the years. Well...I think I was going by school year vs. the January-December year.

I feel bad, but I'm not sure which 9th grade friend I was referring to.

We're moving and I'm oh so sad. (12/6/89).  I DO remember being very upset about moving. Yet when I look back at my high school years, I get this idea that I was lonely and friendless. But my diary says otherwise.

I'm confused.

One possibility is that my friendships were weaker than I admitted. I exaggerated to myself and my diary.  But my memory held the truth.

Another possibility is things were great up until my sister went into a coma. I missed some school, so maybe that messed up my social life.  Or it could also be that I became withdrawn after I learned we were moving.

The third possibility is that my memories accentuate the negative over the positive. For example, I stopped being friends with many of the girls I had been friends with in the 7th-8th grade. I think when I look back to my high school years, I remember that loss. And maybe I remember that more than the fact that I met new friends.

Last Thursday an editorial I wrote for the newspaper was in the newspaper. Jennifer showed it to Mrs. Phillips and Mr. Peterson. Mom and Dad were proud of me. Stuart's dad wrote me a letter about it and a poem.  (12/20/89).

It's so nice that people gave me all that support. I especially like that a friend showed my work off to some teachers.

It is the first day of Hanuka and like usual, our family skipped the celebration. It's quite sad how religion is leaving our society. Our school is 20% nonreligious. That is a lot of people, and then many Jews and Christians are just that in name. It seems religion is just another thing to be prejudice about. (12/22/89).

Holy shit. So I was anti-drug and pro-religion.

It's funny how people can change so much.

I didn't remember there being times that we actually skipped Chanukah.

Oh! Here we go—some insight into my social life:

I'm having quite a social problem at this time. I don't feel like being nice to my family because they're moving me to Nashville and for things mentioned on the previous page. Every time I talk to someone at school, a little voice in me says, "don't get to close. Your moving soon".  Same thing with CF people. Then I think I'm not going to make friends in Nashville because I'll just be leaving them. Sometimes I wish I was born in a small cute town and lived there my whole life.  (12/22/89).

Well...yeah. I guess it does look like I withdrew from people because of the upcoming move.

We celebrated Hanuka tonight.

It was more of give me my presents and impress Nick for Dawn tonight. (12/23/89). Nick was Dawn's boyfriend. I imagine she demanded that we be on our best behavior for him.