Friday, April 27, 2018

My Life in 1994 (part 10)

More diary excerpts from my senior year of college!

I miss dogs and kids. I am starting to like Hagit. She is immature, but so am I, so it works out. (9/23/94)

Hagit was a girl I met from Temple, I believe. She was Israeli, which I, of course, thought was cool. What I wasn't a fan of was the fact that she was a Messianic Jew. I'm not sure if she was a Jew for Jesus...or something else.

Jews for Jesus and similar organizations work to convert Jews to Christianity via manipulative means. There shouldn't have to be something called Jews for Jesus, just like there doesn't need to be Asians for Jesus, Muslims for Jesus, Blacks for Jesus, Tall people for Jesus, etc. If you believe Jesus is God, you should just be called a Christian. If you want to cling to some of your other heritages, no problem with that. But if you're clinging to your heritage only to manipulate other people in your group to come to Jesus; I'm not fine with that.

Mike called AGAIN today. PEST.  I called him back late at night and he said he wanted to take a walk with me. I told him I felt uncomfortable about doing that. He was like, Oh I see." I know I hurt him, but what am I supposed to do?  (9/24/94)

Saying no was probably the right choice. Mike was my ex-boyfriend. We had been broken up for over a year and a half.  Saying yes would have been sending out the wrong message.

Then a little voice in me is saying, But what if he wasn't trying to get back together with you? What if he just needed someone to talk to?

And I've just answered that voice back. What's wrong with the phone? Couldn't we just talk that way? Or is it even best that I'm the listener? Could he find someone else? Or how about writing in a diary?

Oh, someone  (an agent) wants to read my Potential Friends screenplay. My parents were overly excited. I told them it was not that big of a deal. (9/24/94)

My parents were overexcited about my writing?! Why wasn't I overexcited about them being overexcited?

What's strange is about a year or so later, I got in a huge fight with my dad, and he told me I've pretty much never achieved anything in my life without him pulling his powerful strings in the background. I brought up the fact that I had gotten an agent for my screenplay. He acted very unimpressed with that.

Why was he proud at one time and then dismissive later? Maybe he took my statement of it not being a big deal too seriously?  Or maybe it simply didn't fit into his storyline of, the father is a big, important somebody and the daughter is a worthless nobody.

By the way, my dad did profusely apologize for that fight. I appreciated the apology. It was touching. But an apology can't erase what the fight revealed about his personality and his opinion of me.

I made Wynoka cry today. I've never met anyone so sensitive. 

She asked me what religion I was and I said Jewish. She was cool about it. She said, Laurel had been her roommate. We talked about Laurel and then she said, "I'm not trying to stereotype but does your dad give you everything you want like Laurel".

Then her and Joanne started talking about it. I was hurt and got really quiet. Later they asked me what was wrong and I told them and Wynoka had tears just dripping out of her eyes. She felt so bad and I did not know what to do.

I guess it was like how I felt when Dawn thought I was taking pictures of her scars and when Rachel wheezed and I imitated her, not knowing she was wheezing. (9/25/94)

Poor, Wynoka...probably.

I'm older and wiser now, and a part of me is skeptical. Did she really feel sad and guilty? Or was her crying a manipulation technique?

I've experienced both types of crying these past few decades. There's the one where someone truly feels horribly guilty about what they've said or done.  The other is where it feels like the person is using their tears as a distraction.  OR, the tears are for real, but they are not tears of guilt. They are tears of self-pity.

I can't remember the episode with Wynoka, so I can't interpret her tears.

I'm just wondering....

Grizabella blurted out in the middle of a discussion that she was raped. I didn't know what to say so I was silent. I guess it's how people react when I say something about Dawn. (9/26/94)

Another fake name there, by the way.

Anyway...I hate when people do it to me, and I hate that I did it to Grizabella. It's just totally NOT okay.

I've been so hungry lately. I think I may be anemic. I constantly feel tired and weak. Then again, I may just be a hypochondriac. (9/27/94)

I think that's something I want to stop doing—be dismissive of my own health worries by calling myself a hypochondriac. I get enough dismissiveness from my husband, parents, brother-in-law, sister, doctors, etc. I don't need to add to the shit. 

My roommates went to synagogue with me. I had fun with Wynoka. I felt as if we bonded. But Joanna and Catina were in a awful mood. It really bothers me when I bring people to synagogue and they sulk the whole time.  (9/30/94)

I wonder why they were in a bad mood.

I keep trying to see Edward around. I think this is good I like him. It will give me reason to leave my apartment. (10/3/94)

A new crush.

I remember Edward but not the crush. I'm guessing it probably didn't last too long.

Mom sent me a package today. Also, Melissa sent me a Bob Marley tape because it reminded her of the cruise. (10/4/94)

I wish I talked about what my mom sent me. I'm curious.

I got a letter from an agent saying he wanted to be my agent. I thought that was pretty cool. (10/4/94)

I wish I acted more excited about these things.

Wait...I just saw. There's more.

I hope the agent thing works out. I told myself not to tell anyone about the agent, but I already told Chris. (10/4/94)

I hope I wasn't too braggy about it, and I hope Chris acted supportive about it.

I am sick and in a bad mood. I don't feel like dealing with illness at the moment. Oh well. What can you do? (10/6/94)

When is anyone in the mood to deal with illness?

Well, I guess there are times where it's worse.

Yesterday I felt pretty awful, but I had no plans so it wasn't a huge deal. It would be worse if I felt that way while on vacation...or something like that.

I've had a bad day. I want to go to synagogue and go out with friends. Also, I was thinking they never invite me anywhere. That is annoying. I can understand the guys not calling, in a way, but what about Jennifer. (10/7/94)

Answer from Your Future Self: Jennifer probably didn't like you and didn't want you around.

That's one of the important lessons I've learned in life. Well I've learned it, but I don't always listen.

If someone treats you like they don't like you, BELIEVE THEM.  If someone acts like you're a low priority to them, BELIEVE THEM.  If someone acts like they don't want be around you, BELIEVE THEM.

If they treat you poorly once in awhile, that's a different story. We all have our moods. And obviously people have problems outside the relationship. It's very self-centered to assume that someone's behavior is always a reflection on how they feel about us.

But if the problem is consistent, take their actions to heart. Do not question them with hopes that they'll give you an answer that makes you feel better. Because their answer will likely be a mixture of excuses and gaslighting.

I've been trying to smile all day so people think I am happy. I keep a smile by thinking of a silly or happy song. (10/11/94)

I ate 2 muffins. Yikes. I still do like Edward. The worse is happening. Michael came and sat by me at dinner again. He gets on my nerves. He said he was attracted to me since last January. I think he is obsessed with me. (10/13/94)

I think the rule was that I could have crushes on people, but people were not allowed to have them on me.

At synagogue, I met this very interesting guy about age 20 who wants to convert to Judaism. His name is Matthew. (10/14/94)

Matthew became one of my best friends. It was a VERY intense friendship, but it didn't last very long.

Jennifer and Chris suck! Chris treats me like total dogshit. He acts like Jennifer is Mrs. Angel and I'm regurgitated chopped liver. FUCK HIM.  I said that when we got home I would go home so he could be with Jennifer alone so perhaps they could have some time alone. I thought I was being pretty nice. I said after you talk to her, you can come over.

He acted as if I was being so selfish. He said, "I'm not going to rush out of there to talk to you".

He can go to hell. (10/15/94)

I really think Chris and Jennifer had simply stopped liking me. It sounds like I kept pushing myself on them, and I couldn't take a hint.

A miracle has happened. Jennifer and Austin have finally gotten together. Maybe you can get a guy with persistence. The question is who do I pursue, Russ or Edward? (10/17/94)

I no longer feel it's a good thing to win a person over with persistence.

I think persistence is good when it does NOT involve a specific person. For example, I think it's fine to be persistent in the goal of finding someone to be your friend. I don't think it's a good idea to be persistent in making a specific person your friend...especially if they've made it known they're not interested.

I'm not sure, though, if it was actually persistence that brought Jennifer what she had wanted for so long. She and Austin had been friends for a long time. He might have just eventually realized he was attracted to her. Or maybe the chemistry wasn't there, and then suddenly it was.

Jennifer and I had a long talk. I told her I liked Edward. She said she does not recommend him, but we talked about how I don't like Austin and Chris while she does not like Russ and Edward. I almost died laughing because Jennifer started guessing who I liked and she said Austin. (10/17/94)

Oh! Now I'm wondering if that's the reason Jennifer had been giving me the cold shoulder.

The year before, we had been enemies/frenemies because I started dating Austin, not realizing that when Jennifer had once told me she thought he cute, that this was an understatement. She had a massive, obsessive crush on him. Things ended between Austin and me. Jennifer and I got past the hatefest. But I guess then she started suspecting I was still into Austin.

I thought about joining ACE, mostly because Russ is in it, but also because I like that whole group: Luke, Jenny, Karen, but not Ann. (10/19/94)

What was wrong with Ann?

I sat with Dana and Anthony at dinner. Dana talked about moving in but now a girl named Pinky is moving in. I'm not sure if I like her or not. (10/19/94)

Pinky sounds vaguely familar to me.

I don't remember all this stuff about having only two roommates, and a third one being brought in. I really thought there had always been four of us.

I did have a lot of fun today. I went to the ACE meeting at 4. Then I hung out with Luke, Doug, Jenny, Russ, Ann, Karin, and Brian. (10/20/94)

ACE was the campus entertainment organization. I can't remember what it stood for. Maybe Association of Campus Entertainment?

For the last page of this diary I have a summary/list of various things.

Happy about: Jennifer and Austin getting together. going home. Finding a new group of friends. Having nice roommates. Getting along better with black people. Having first real black friends. Maybe having an agent.

I had black friends in middle school and high school, so I'm not sure what I meant by that. Maybe I meant as in having friends that you actually go out and do stuff with?

I don't know.

Black, white, brown...whatever. I have trouble having "real" friendships with people of ALL colors.

I get what I was saying about getting along better, though. I think that goes back to the Jewish-Black conflicts that were happening in general and it seeming to rub off on my relationship with my junior-year roommates.  I think Joanna was nice enough and charitable enough to help me get back on decency.

Sad about: Passha dying, having to leave school in 7 months.

Well, earlier I had been dreading coming back to school, so it was kind of nice that I now was sad about eventually leaving it.

Angry about: Edward for being an asshole. Someone is eating my food w/o telling me. Mike (the one who never called)

Excited about: Cruise, Halloween, graduation, film school, my birthday.

Ashamed about: Messing up Kosher thing last night.

Well, Current-Dina is ashamed that I was ashamed about something like that instead of much bigger the Woody Allen issue. Or how about how I pushed myself on people who wanted to get away from me.

 My past homophobia and racism?

The fact that I was a hypocrite about certain things?

Friends-Joanna, Catina, Wynoka, Danielle, Jennifer, Dana, Luke, Doug, Brian, Jenni, Russ, Chris, Ann, Karin, Temple people.

Favorite foods-Trail mix, oatmeal, hot chocolate.

I still love all those foods.

Interests lately-The Stand, Gary Sinese, AOL, Judaism, Messianic Jews (negative way).  Meaning I was preoccupied with disliking Messianic Judaism.