Monday, April 16, 2018

My Life in 1994 (Part 3)

Now I'm onto March of my third year of college.

In about a month, I shall call James. I do not know what will happen. Last night I had a dream that he was very unfriendly on the phone. I told Chris, Luke, and Phil about the dream at dinner. They were very uncouraging. They said it was an omen, and I shouldn't call him. (3/1/94)

There are things in my diaries that make me wonder if I went to the Trump University of language skills.

As for the dreams...I do have a habit of having dreams where people, I care about, are mean to me.  I think often these dreams influence my feelings towards these people in real life. Is it fair? Are my dreams giving me some kind of spiritual and/or subconscious warning? Or is it random and leading me to have negative feelings when I shouldn't?

The phone call to James turned out to be a major disaster. It was a nightmare come true.  This is our conversation:

James: Hello?

Me: Hi James. This is Dina.

James: Oh hi. How are you?

Me: Fine. How are you?

James: Fine. How are you?

Me: Fine. What are you doing?

James: I have a friend here.We're listening to music. I'm making toast.

Me: Oh, do you want me to call you later?

James: Well I can call you. But it probably won't be tonight.

Me: I'll just call you tomorrow.

James:: Okay. It's nice to hear from you. Are you doing all right? 

Me: Yes. Are you?

James: Yeah.

Me: Well, I guess I'll let you go.

James: Okay. I'll talk to you tomorrow.

He sounded very condescending.(3/2/94)

I had to include that whole conversation, because I loved the awkwardness of it.

To clear up some confusion: I don't think I had planned to call James a month later; then gave in and called him two days later. I think it took me two days to face up to the disappointment of the conversation and record it in the diary.

At first I was skeptical about being able to remember the conversation two days later. But no. I'm sure I played that conversation over and over and over in my head before writing it down. For the most part, I trust its accuracy.

Today I realized I'm more upset over my feelings toward James then his feelings for me. After that dream, I had very negative feelings toward him. I had hoped that I would call him. We'd have a fun conversation and my fear would disappear. But then I called him and his attitude made me despise him. I look at his picture, and I want to spit at it. He hasn't even wronged me, though. It's the dream. If I had a good dream about him the night before I called, then I would not have interpreted the phone call in such a bad way. (3/3/94)

Now I AM confused.  Maybe I DID plan to wait a month to call him; then changed my mind.

I went to David's with Effie, Charles, Joanne, and Ayub. I  think there is some attraction between Ayub and I. I want to keep hope in James. He called last night. It was about 20 minute conversation. He may call back this weekend. I miss him (3/4/94)

It was nice that James called, but I'd say the length of conversation was a bad sign. I think if he had been interested in me, the conversation would have probably lasted longer.

By the way, David's was a local restaurant—walking distance from campus. I wasn't referring to one of my many love interests.

I think the Joanna at the meal was the same Joanna who'd become one  of my future roommates.

Alex was such a disgusting asshole. He was asking me all these sexual questions. Then he said something about me being obsessed with David. (3/5/94)

I wonder if I was bothered more by the sex questions or the obsession-accusations. 

Bernard was hitting on me today. He is 39! What the hell. I think that is a bit too old for me. I really like Ayub. He is closer to my age, 22. (3/6/94)

I don't remember Bernard.

I didn't see Ayub today. I got no mail except for a rejection letter. I played pool with Zaheer. Then he called me. I thought that was nice. I don't know if he "likes" me or if he just is nice. Same with Ayub. I tried so hard not to like Ayub, but I think I like him. (3/7/94)

Yep...onto the next guy.

Ayub kissed me today. I was starting to worry that he didn't like me. I'm glad he likes me. I like him a lot too. I still want to marry James one day. (3/8/94)

For some reason, I wasn't ready to let go of James.

Ayub is trying to move a little too fast. Oh well. He's been hanging out with the tennis team too much. David didn't move too fast, though. He moved too slow. I think I like aggressive guys because when I have to make all the moves, I feel like a bimbo. As long as the guy takes no for an answer, it's okay. Otherwise, I shall see how well the hot pepper spray works. (3/9/94)

Well...I don't think I was helping to make strides for the women's movement.

I don't totally disagree with my past self, though,

I do believe, in theory, that women should be able to make advances without feeling like she's a bimbo.  But I can't escape that negative feeling. Maybe it's because I associate it with rejection? And THAT makes me wonder if there's a reason why I associate it with rejection. Do too many men prefer women who are passive about their sexuality? In my life, have I had better luck with men when I acted passive and reluctant about sex rather than excited and eager?

As for men making moves, I'm fine with gentle assertiveness. I LIKE the man passionately grabbing a woman and giving her that first kiss without asking permission. What I don't like is when the man  won't very easily take no for an answer. I also don't like it when the man fails to notice that his partner is uncomfortable, in pain, not having fun, etc.

I think so many of my friends are Muslim suddenly. I guess the theme of this semester is the Muslim/Jewish thing. First semester was the crush semester. 2nd semester was the love one. 3rd semester was the best friend one. 4th was the heartbreaking one. 5th was the fun carefree one and this is another step. It's weird to keep changing friends like this. (3/10/94)

And I was kind of thinking every semester was a crush semester. But I can kind of get what I was saying.  First semester had several crushes—David #1, Nick, Jesse, etc. In the second semester I had my first long-term boyfriend. In the third semester, I was best friends with Susan. In the fourth semester, I broke Mike's heart and David #2 broke mine.

I'm not sure why I thought the 5th semester was fun and carefree. I was still having crush-drama.

I am home and there is so many fun things to do. I wish sort of that I could just stay here. But I'm sure Puerto Rico will be cool. My parents gave me a beautiful lion statue that I named Elliot. He is named after Eli and Elliot the dragon. I would name him Eli the 2nd, but it seems wrong to name a lion a 2nd. (3/11/94)

I still don't remember Eli.

It's weird. Usually when a guy enters our life, parents and everyone asks embarrassing questions. No one mentions Ayub. It's all hush/hush. No questions. (3/11/94)

I wonder if that was true or just my perception.

I would have expected my Jewish parents to not be overly excited about their daughter dating a Muslim. So I might have been extra sensitive.

My parents, fortunately, have never been the type to forbid friendships or relationships. It's probably  the thing I like best about their parenting.

Now it could have been they were showing subtle prejudice by staying quiet. But if that's's still better than forbidding relationships.

Melissa is on her way to Peru. I worry about her. I worry about my whole family. (3/12/94)

I guess this means she didn't go to Puerto Rico with us. I didn't remember/realize that.

I bought a new diary today. The sky was so beautiful tonight. At first it was pink. Then there was a rainbow, a rainbow that took up the whole sky. The horizon was red; then as we got higher, it turned into yellow and green. Then on the top it was blue and purple. (3/13/94)

Even though I call myself a writer, I've never been great about describing scenery. So, what was up with that? I mean not that the above was good. I'm just wondering why I wrote it. Was I noticing scenery more? Practicing my writing and/or observation skills?

Maybe one day I'll find a guy. Let me think of an ideal one.

He'll be a religious, reform Jew. He'll have a great sense of humor. He'll stick up for human rights for all people. He'll be ambitious, but he'll remember to put work side to have fun. He'll have great passion for our relationship and for his interests. He'll be proud of me and of himself, but he'll also be honest and critical. He'll be very strong, but he will also not be afraid to cry. That's my dream guy. (3/14/94)

I like that list.  The only thing that's no longer applicable is the religious/Jew bit.

Puerto Rico really made me miss the cruise. It's like being in one of those bad dreams where you are on the cruise, but not really. I'm getting along good with Dawn, though, and I'm having a pleasant time. (3/15/94)

Dawn and I eventually became close—best friend type sisters.  I'm not sure when that started to happen. Maybe it was around this time?

Melissa is in Peru. I ate good Nachos. There are a lot of cute guys here. (3/15/94)

I don't know. For some reason, I like the random combination of those three sentences.

And yay for good nachos!

It's funny. The cruise happened almost 3 months ago and still it is still a big part of my life. I thought as soon as I found a social life in Chattanooga, the cruise would fade. But it didn't. (3/16/97)

I feel as if Alicia and Norm are old family friends. It seems all very strange. I had a crush on Rickie. He is so adorable and he is a solitary, disturbed man. I find that so attractive. I wish I didn't have to leave him.  I think he was probably my favorite part of Puerto Rico.  He was so sweet and seemed so nice and childlike.  (3/18/94)

OF course I was going to find someone to crush on in Puerto Rico!

Did I mean to use the word "disturbed"?  Maybe a better way of putting it would be I liked him for not being neurotypical. 

I forgot about Alicia and Norm until reading my diary. I can't remember exactly who they are, but I met them through my parents. I remember them being supportive of my writing...or supporting me as a writer.

We went to a hotel with a railing looking over a pool and the ocean. It reminded me so much of the cruise. I remembered standing on the railing and Evan came and stood so close and said, "What are you thinking?" I miss them. Now I am loving 4 guys. James, Ricky, Ayub, and Evan. I think that is a large amount. Oh well. I have room in my heart. (3/18/94)

Millennials think they're so brave with the whole Tide Pod thing. In my days, we stood on cruise ship railings!

Now I can't get that image out of my head!

In case anyone is wondering....

No. My balance abilities are not that good. Plus, I'm kind of afraid of heights.

I keep thinking of Rickie. He reminds me of Christian Slater in Untamed Heart. I can't help but find him loveable. He is so sweet. I keep thinking of his behavior and asking myself, is he emotionally ill? Then I think of how I think of my stuffed animals as being real. Who am I to talk about emotional problems? (3/19/94)

My hands are shaking. I am so tired. I wonder what will happen next.  (3/20/94)

I have a tremor, so that might be what that's about. The earliest I remember it happening is college, but I could have had it before then. I'm not sure.

I feel yucky. I really don't want to go out with Ayub. He said 2 things today that bothered me. One was I said I didn't want to get so close physically. He said, "It's natural. God made a woman for every man". And then I joked and said, "If you give me a guilt trip, I'll kill you." He said, "Good. I can put in a book of another Jew killing a Muslim." (3/21/94)

His first line? Annoying as hell.

The second one is kind of a dark way. Well, it's funny if he meant is as a dark joke. If he was serious and using it as further-guilt-trip material; then, not funny.

I remembered and have thought about his pressuring me for sex.

I think the "It's natural" line is just another shitty version of coercion. How many people (mostly women) have been pressured into sex, because it's seen as their natural-religious duty or their biological-duty?

Yes, it's natural to have sex.

It's also natural to not want to have sex...or to not want to have sex with a particular person or not to want sex at a particular time.

I had to give Ayub the let's-just-be-friends speech. He seemed to take it well, but it always hurts. That statement can never be said without causing pain. Even if you are not sad about losing the person, you are at least sad about the rejection. (3/22/94)

I made a new rule that I will not talk about Israel or whatever. If someone says something, I shall remain silent. If they ask me a question, I will say "I prefer not to talk about it". Kamran said today about Jews killing 60 Muslims. I just kept quiet. I was surprised, because he knew very quickly I was mad. He apologized and said he was just kidding. Then when I was talking to Masha, Muhammed, and Scott, she introduced me as "our little Jew". (3/23/94)

I think it's important and wonderful for Jews and Muslims to have dialogues. What I think was unfair is, I was one one vs. many. It's hard to be the one person who has to defend and make excuses for your whole group.

Then again, if there were many Jews and many Muslims, maybe we'd stick closer to our own kind. Or maybe we'd end up fighting.

Maybe, although it's stressful, it's better to be many against long as the many are patient and compassionate with the one. 

In cognitive psych, we did an experiment. The teacher started laughing and couldn't stop. Then Arlene and I started laughing and we couldn't stop. (3/24/94)

I wonder why I called her a teacher instead of a professor. And why didn't I talk about her by name?

I said I was going to stop talking about politics. I keep on doing it. I have to stop! (3/25/94).

This is one of my recurrent life things. I vow to myself that I'm going to keep quiet about certain subjects, and then I don't stop.

I hate that about myself.

A movie about Israeli's and Palestinians is forming in my mind. It starts with a person telling the story of the parting of the Red Seas. God yelled at the Israelites for cheering about the death of the Egyptians. (3/25/94)

I've thought about that idea periodically through out my life.

I still like it.

I don't think I was very clear in the diary. What I pictured is a child being told the story by his or her parents. There'd probably be a picture book. That's how the movie would begin, and then the rest would be about Palestinian-Israeli relations.

I am sort of mad because Jill has not called to invite me to her house for Passover. That bothers me. I guess I'll just go to Temple. (3/25/94)

I'm assuming Jill was inviting some of the other Jewish students. I hope I wasn't just expecting a random invitation.

I ended up having a lot of fun at temple. I met this girl Lisa who is 27. She has a 5 year old daughter who is adorable. I also met a woman named Louise K. who is very nice. (3/26/94)

This was at the community seder. I don't remember Lisa, but I do remember Louise. As my diary says, she was very nice!

Ayub is being super nice. I act bitter towards him and I feel bad about that. It's just that his actions before repulsed me and I am not interested in him as a "boyfriend" anymore. He drives me nuts because he keeps saying he is not like other guys that are after one thing. (3/27/94)

BULLSHIT!  I think he was very much like one of those guys who was after one thing. Or at least he was mainly after that one thing.

Arenthia tasted Matzah and she said it tastes like communion bread. That just dawned on me. At Passover, Jesus said about the bread, "This is my body". That was Christian's last supper. So communion bread should be Matzah. It is so funny that Christians don't know Easter's connection to Passover. (3/27/94)

I wish James would call today. (3/28/94)

I can't believe I was still going on about that.

I didn't see Ziad today. Thank God!! I can't stand him. I see his face in my mind and I want to gag. Vanessa was in a bad mood today. I'm sick of her.

Ayub came over. He noticed my new-keep-quiet attitude. He asked me right away why I wasn't arguing and he said I was being very polite. I hope I didn't hurt his feelings. (3/30/94)

As I've said before, I go through stages where I try to emotionally hide from people.  I'm not sure why. I think it's about the need for control—similar to the feelings I had during my eating disorder.  I also think it's about distrust and feeling vulnerable.

Some of it probably stems from a childhood full of psychological invalidation. Like many kids, I was too often told that my emotions were wrong.

I've decided to be non-disclosure to just people at school. I am fine with penpals, family, etc. Just at school right now I've decided it is wise to go along with the right to remain silent. My thoughts are now secret. I'm trying to be very nice, polite, and ask questions so people don't notice I'm being secretive. If I act depressed, than I will start asking questions. (3/30/94)

I've had the exact ideas and plans recently.

I wonder if anyone else is like this.

Well, statistically it seems impossible for me to be the only one. common is it?

I'm going to try to explain this with an analogy.

Let's say you get a bag of candy. Or how about one of those big bars of chocolate.

You have three choices. You can eat all of the bar, none of the bar, or some of the bar.

The best way to avoid overindulging is to not eat any of the bar. You just make a strict rule and stick to it.

If you open the bar, you might end up eating all of it. If you eat all of it, you feel ashamed. You feel selfish, disgusting, gluttonous, and ugly. It should be okay to eat some of the bar, but it's not. Even if you manage to just take one bite, you feel naked, nervous...a failure.

It's kind of a bad analogy, because I actually wouldn't feel guilty about eating a little bit of chocolate. I wouldn't even feel that bad about eating the whole chocolate bar.  I'm sure I'd end up with some stomach pain, though.

One thing I feel lately is that I'd like to stop revealing bits of myself to anyone on a personal basis. I'd like to just write everything on this blog. That's a step up from I don't want to even write on this blog.

The thing is, I keep failing. I keep talking. And when I reveal things, I feel like a failure.

In a way, I look forward for something exciting or interesting happening. It's sort of boring keeping secrets when there is no secrets to keep. (3/31/94)

Again...totally like current me.

Sometimes I'll manage to be secretive for a period of time. I'll feel proud of myself, but it's kind of blah because there really wasn't anything exciting to tell anyway.

You know, I was thinking. It's not just a negative, defense kind of thing. It's also kind of like making your life more sacred. It reminds me of the scene from Stand By Me, where Gordie sees the deer, but keeps it secret from his friends.  The more we talk about things, the smaller they get. The special becomes less special. The beautiful becomes less beautiful.

Sometimes the reductions can be good—as in the scary becomes less scary. But too often I think it's not the negative emotions that are reduced, but instead the idea that we have the right to have these emotions.  We're made to feel ridiculous for being scared, sad, angry, disgruntled, etc.

I called Ayub and David answered. We did not acknowledge each other. In a way, I can not wait until the day I never see him again. (3/31/94)

Wow. Ayub and David were roommates? Yikes. Or was he just there visiting?

I do vaguely have a memory of the roommate thing. But I'm not sure.