Saturday, October 13, 2018

The Flowery Journal My Sister Gave Me (Part 26)

This page is about love/commitments.

Out of eight questions, I answered only four.  

I was getting more and more lazy with the book.

Note: The blue is what's printed in the journal. The green is what I wrote. 

I knew I met the right person for me when-we first talked on the phone.

I think I predicted our marriage during that first phone call. 

But, though, I'd love to be excited about having psychic powers... there were probably other encounters with men that led me to predicting some kind of everlasting romance. 

Maybe Tim was special, though, because I think I wrote the prediction in my diary.

Did I?

I can't remember if I found it when going through my old diaries

How I felt about intimacy-Real intimacy is being able to fart in front of someone and being able to express joy when your constipation is relieved. That's true intimacy. (2001)

Or having poop emergencies.

I think, when it comes down to it, love is more about poop than sex.

How things changed when we were married-Not much changed. It seems as if we were married before-shared a bank account, an apartment, and had sex. Marriage certificate didn't change much (December 2001).

I think our relationship DID have three upheavals.

The first was when we went from a long distance relationship to living in the same city.

The second was when we moved to Fort Worth from NYC.

The third was becoming parents. And I'd say the parenting began with the pregnancy.

There have been many times in my life that I've regretted leaving New York to come to Fort Worth. And I'm especially regretting it now.

Regrets are confusing, though. It's hard to distinguish between what's meant to be and what has been a gigantic mistake.  

And it's not like I was super happy and well-adjusted before moving to Fort Worth. 

BUT...I do think moving here has caused me more harm than good.  

Right now I'm trying to imagine what our life would be if we stayed.

I have lots of questions.

1. Would we have had enough financial good fortune that we could have stayed in Manhattan? Would we have eventually bought an apartment instead of renting?

Or would we have moved out to one of the other boroughs. Or maybe New Jersey?  Or maybe we would have gotten transferred to somewhere completely different.  

2. Would I have gone back to teaching after Jack was old enough?

3. Would we still homeschool Jack, or would he have gone to a NYC school?

4. Would I get along better with my parents?  

I can't imagine that I'd be any less close to my sisters.  I think we'd text and email a lot.