Monday, April 18, 2016

Alone in Sydney, False Accusations, Sad Mums, and John Bennett

1. Had an intense dream about Australia. I think it was more of a stressful dream than a happy one.

The three of us have recently returned from Australia. We had stayed at some kind of homestay...with a nice woman as our host.

I then plan to go back to Sydney, on my own, for a very short trip. It's time for me to leave soon, and I realize I haven't made accommodation arrangements. I think of staying with the same woman. We liked her. But for some reason I feel strange about it. 

Tim and I start to look for places. He points out a place, on a list, but it seems to be near the airport. I want to stay somewhere more near the action. I see a list of places near more touristy areas, and they're in a good price range ($70-90) 

On the way to the airport, there's a lot of traffic. That worries me a bit.

When it comes time to traveling to Sydney, it's actually a bus that's going to take me there. We wait for the bus, and I almost miss it when it comes. It's like we're sitting there, and I don't get on the bus for some reason. (Maybe I didn't realize it was the right bus)

At some point, we realize Tim left my luggage somewhere. I'm going to be going Sydney without most of my stuff.

I go on the bus. Somehow I've ended up with this Heather O'Rourke book-doll. It's pretty big, and there's something kind of creepy about it. I don't want to have to carry it around Sydney with me. But I also don't want to throw it in the trash, because that seems disrespectful. I decide to leave it in my seat when I exit with the hope no one calls out to me to tell me I've forgotten it.  

On the bus, I think about what I'll do in Sydney, and I decide I'll take a long walk...

At some point, I wonder about clothes. Should I be one of those people who wears the same thing for days and also to bed?  I decide maybe I'll buy some clothes.

Later, when I'm in Sydney, I take a walk. My phone rings. It takes me a few moments to get to it. I see it's Jack. I answer, and he's very upset. In an angry, tearful voice he demands that I come home. I suggest he come to Australia instead, though I know that's a stupid idea. I'm only here for a few days.  He says this is the worst decision we've ever made. I feel very bad about it.  

Two notes about the dream: First, I'm not sure what the Heather O'Rourke doll symbolized...if anything. But she's not a random celebrity appearance. When I was around ages eleven to fourteen, I was obsessed with Poltergeist, and a big fan of Heather O'Rourke. When she died, I was devastated.   I don't think of her very often anymore, but she does pop up in my dreams now and then.  

As for the Jack stuff. I've had several dreams where I get on a plane to go to Australia alone, and I'm feeling guilty about it. I don't think Jack is often upset in the dream. I think this might be the first dream where I'm not feeling bad about going to Australia UNTIL I hear that Jack is upset.

 I'm not sure if I thought about this in the dream or not. I think maybe I did. Or I thought it when I woke up. The thing is, it's not the being away for a few days that worries me. It's the idea that something bad could happen when I'm away, and we could end up never seeing each other again.  

I've seen a few stories in the news lately where a child expressed sadness about leaving a 
parent. Then either the parent or child dies.  

I used to have a thing where I wouldn't be okay leaving Jack UNLESS he was okay about it. If he was happy for me to leave, I'd be fine going. If he cried and begged me to stay, I was not okay. Because I would think, what if this ends up being the last time I see him?

That being said, Jack's a teenager now, and it's been quite awhile since he's shown any sadness about me making an exit. I would probably need to go to Australia for at least year before he'd show signs of missing me. SO...I think the Jack in the dream was a much younger Jack.  

2. Had another coincidence thing.

I'm reading my daily dose of a past blog entry. It's from January 2011. I had this dream: I'm on a plane to Australia.The plane hasn't taken off yet.  I start to worry that I didn't give a big enough good-bye to Jack.  I feel that I gave him a dinky, distracted good-bye, and I strongly regret that. I'm worried Jack has the same opinion about the good-bye, and I worry he'll be upset.

I try to cheer myself up by thinking how I'll be in Australia for two weeks, and those two weeks will go by fast because I'm having fun. But I worry that won't happen. I worry I won't have fun because I'll be too sad.

3. Started watching an episode of Home and Away.

4. Hated Billie (Tessa de Josselin) and thought there should be a special hell for people who make false sexual assault allegations.

Not only do they hurt the man they've accused, but they hurt the women and men who truly are attacked.

The same goes to the people out there who fake a cancer diagnosis. The more that we hear about it, the easier it becomes to be skeptical of online people who say they have cancer.

5. Thought there should also be a special hell for brothers of known-to-be manipulative people who quickly believe the shouts of assault without any question.

Ash (George Mason) has seen his sister's manipulative tactics in action. Yet he goes and attacks Nate (Kyle Pryor).

6. Thought it would be cruel for a family member not to believe a family member about being attacked, but if there's a strong history of lying and manipulation, there needs to be some reasonable doubt.

7.  Glad to see Phoebe (Isabella Giovinazzo), Kyle (Nick Westaway), and Ricky (Bonnie Sveen) taking Nate's side.

8. Wanted to say that I also feel bad for people who are attacked and not believed.

Nate is well-loved and respected in town. What if he HAD attacked Billie?  Would anyone have believed it? Even if she wasn't a manipulative cow, there's a fair chance they wouldn't.

I think there are highly-respected people who do bad things, and their victims are not believed.

9. Thought the world would be a much better place if people stopped lying to each other and assaulting each other.

10. Watched Johnny Depp and Amber Heard's videotaped apology to Australia after reading an article that says some people say it resembles a hostage tape.

I agree that it does.

It's pathetic but pretty funny.

11. Laughed a lot when watching this video from Natalie Tran.

I haven't watched one of her videos in a long time.

12. Started watching another episode of Home and Away.

13. Thought that the writers of Home and Away are probably being inconsistent.

I'm pretty sure that, a few weeks ago, Ash was good at taking care of baby Casey. I think he was one of the people who could get the baby to stop crying as soon as he held him.

Now Ash is suddenly acting like he's one of those people who feels uncomfortable with babies.

14. Found my old post about the episode.

According to March 27-me, Ash could immediately settle Casey.

So, what happened?

15. Thought that the scene with Phoebe and Denny (Jessica Grace Smith) being there for Ricky during her mothering problems was very touching.

I was going to say Ricky has postpartum depression. And I guess she does. It's kind of a special case, though. She's dealing with the so-called death of the baby's father. I think most of her depression is about missing him. Then she has a hard time being with baby Casey, because he reminds her of his father.

16. Thought that having a new baby is emotionally stressful enough. If someone is heavily grieving at the same time, it makes things even more difficult.

17. Felt annoyed with Nate. Though I'm also feeling very sorry for him.

He's mad at Kat (Pia Miller), because she had one tiny, brief moment of doubt about his innocence.

Nate says, If you can think, even for a second, I'm capable of sexual assault, reflex or not, we're wasting our time.

Some people have that mindset—the belief that we should put 100% trust in people.

I don't.

I think we should always hold at least a tiny bit amount of doubt about everyone and everything.

Even if we've known someone for decades, it's possible that they're hiding something.

Nate and Kat have been dating for only a few months.

18. Could understand Nate's anger if Kat had lingering doubt and continued to question him. But having one brief moment?

19. Felt that I'm actually kind of liking Home and Away lately.

20. Learned that an Australian helped make one of first computer games. A computer company was looking for something to display at the Festival of Britain, and an Aussie named John Bennett had the idea of creating a computer that could play a game called Nim.

21. Started to read an article about Bennett.

He was Australia's first professor of computer science.

He was the first president of the Australian Computer Society, which still exists today.

In the 1940's, he helped build EDSAC, one of the world's first computers.

22. Learned that Bennett was born in Warwick, Queensland.

23. Saw, from Google Maps, that Warwick is about two hours south-west of Brisbane.

24. Learned that Bennett had six grandchildren before dying.

I wonder if any of them have become video game fans.

25. Consulted Lord Wiki about Warwick Queensland. He has a list of important people from there, but John Bennett isn't included. a rugby player named Wayne Bennett IS included. What's the deal?  Why do the jocks get celebrated more than the nerds?

26. Saw that Adrienne Pickering from Rake and Neighbours was born in Warwick.

I like her.

27. Wanted to say that I'm also disappointed that Bennett isn't in the Australian Dictionary of biography.

Although maybe he hasn't been dead long enough.

28.  Looked at his year of death again. It's 2010. That's six years ago. I don't know how long it takes for a deceased person to get into the ADB.

29. Read some information on the ADB site.  It says they're working on entries for people who died between 1991-1995. So it will probably take some time before they get to John Bennett.

30. Glad to know that Bennett probably hasn't been overlooked by the ADB.

Hopefully, he'll be included someday.

31. Felt annoyed with Lord Wiki again.

Now I'm looking at Lord Wiki's entry on The South Port school in the Gold Coast. This is where Bennett went to boarding school.

Lord Wiki lists the celebrity alumni. Bennett isn't listed. But again, there's a bunch of sports people.

32. Thought again about going to Australia in the near future.

I have such a mix of emotions. I get excited and hopeful; then scared and stressed.

I can imagine being happy in Australia.

I can imagine being happy in New York.

I know I'm usually very happy at home. So it kind of seems cheaper, easier, and less stressful to just stay put.

33. Thought about how I am with traveling. I get the idea. I excitedly plan. Often I lose interest in the plan, or the plan is canceled for some reason.  If the plan is not canceled, and we buy tickets, I rarely get excited. Or if I do get excited, that is overshadowed by the stress, fear, and dread that I'm feeling.  We go on the trip, and I usually have a great time. Then we come home, and in most cases, I'm relieved to be home.

34. Decided that I sometimes DO get excited after I'm all finished packing. Then I'm eager to leave as soon as possible.

 But I don't think my traveling stress is about packing.

35. Felt that if we do end up going to Australia in the near future, I want to buy the tickets as last minute as possible. I don't want months of having the stress, fear, and dread

36. Decided that I love planning trips, and I usually love being on the trips.

But I don't like leaving our cat, and I also don't like leaving my life and daily routines.