Friday, April 13, 2018

My Life in 1993 (Part 2)

I thought of something that's given me some hope.

In college, I also did some personal writing in an orange spiral notebook. I'm hoping that has some stuff that's not related to my romance dramas.  

But for now...I'm still doing the diaries.

Camp will not be this year. They're just having a weekend deal. I'm disappointed and at the same time, I feel a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. (5/17/93)

At first I was thinking that I was simply tired of camp. But, at some point, my family moved from Nashville to Texas. It would have been hard to get to a camp in Georgia from Texas. Maybe that had been stressing me out. IF my parents had already moved.

I'm not sure when that happened. If it happened already, I'm a bit surprised I didn't mention it in my diary.

I read a book about the !Kung Woman. (5/21/93).  I'm so glad to see myself mentioning a book. I think my sister had given it to me. It was something she had been assigned at school. 

I'm trying to get muscles so David regrets not liking me (5/21/93) Maybe this is what I had referred to earlier about him poking fun of my size. Maybe it wasn't about my actual size, but about my body composition. 

David is still on my mind. I had a dream about him. It seems all my dreams lately are about him. I became obsessed with this guy about 4 months ago and it hasn't lessened. (5/23/93)

Don't worry.  He will be gone from your mind eventually.

I'm getting along great with my family. Things are pretty well. I am reading Ironweed now. It is weird, but kind of interesting. (5/31/93).  

Another book! Thank you!

And it's nice to know I was getting along with my family.

The actor in the Bruce Less movie is pretty cute. I never expected to be attracted to another oriental man. (6/4/93)

Holy shit. I was STILL using the term "oriental". When did I finally stop?

I'm not sure why I didn't expect to be attracted to another Asian man.

Maybe Jason Scott Lee is a transitional savior, because maybe he'll make me forget about David. (6/8/93).

I think he's also kind of one of the things that led me to my husband. Because my attraction to Jason Scott Lee gave me a thing for Asian-American men. I mean I think I had that passion back in middle school and high school, but not so much in college.  

Plus, because of Lee, I'm attracted to Asians. (6/8/93)

Wow! Was it here that I realized the term "Asians" was more politically correct than "Oriental"?

I got a postcard from David today. That made me very happy. (6/21/93).  I'm sure I read that postcard again and again and again and again.

I have pretty much lost interest in Jason Scott Lee. So much for diversion. The computer man was a diversion, but a terrible one since he was married. I'd rather just like David. (6/26/93).

I actually vaguely remember this computer man. I think he came to repair something?

This week I learned that I like the loner. I realize that I am attracted to people who sit alone rather than having to hide themselves in a group. (7/11/93)

I think this is in reference to people I had met at a summer film course. That was in Nashville, so we hadn't yet moved.  

I finished reading Valley of the Horses. I love it! It gave me hope that one day I will meet a man who is absolutely perfect for me and I will be perfect for him. (7/22/93)

Thanks, Jean M. Auel, for giving me unrealistic expectations about love and relationships.

David is on my mind 80% of the time. I was cured and now I'm diseased again. How can I like a guy this long? I think he has psychologically damaged me. This is embarrassing. If people read this diary, they will think I'm fatal attractioning. Crazy! Beside that...I finished reading Spike Lee's biography. It was swell! (8/1/93)

Well...the good news is, I never boiled a bunny.

The decorator is here. The weird thing: I wrote a letter to Marni. Am I getting nostalgic, or what? (8/9/93).  I'm GUESSING the decorator was part of our move to Fort Worth. 

So far, my social life is good. However, I seem to have no interest whatsoever in academics. I just want to party and socialize. I still like to learn but I'd rather read on my own. Maybe it's good that I'm taking 12 hours. (8/25/93).

I didn't realize I ever took 12 hours. I vaguely remember once taking 18 hours. Did that happen, or am I giving myself undeserved credit?

I like Austin now. He is really nice, but I'm afraid Jennifer likes him. (8/26/93).

This was the beginning of another relationship drama.

I had ran into Jennifer in the cafeteria. We had a quick chat. She mentioned that she thought Austin was cute. I took it to mean she had a casual attraction to him. Later I learned she had downplayed the whole thing and Austin was pretty much her David (or Han, Jesse, Tim B. Larry, etc).

I really like Austin. Last night we went to the graveyard at like 5 in the morning. It was fun. Nothing beyond friendship, but you know, that stage of platonic friendship is always the best. (8/29/93)

I wouldn't call that stage "platonic friendship".  But I know what I was referring to. It's that beginning stage where you're attracted to someone, and you get the sense that the attraction is mutual.

Austin. He treats me how I want to be treated. David treated me like shit. Austin is so nice, but we don't have much in common. I LIKE Austin now and I ask, is it better to fall in love with a nice person you have nothing in common with or a mean one who is like you? (9/1/93)

My answer now: Neither.

The nice person will probably become less nicer once the initial attraction dies down. And then you're left with someone who is no longer super nice, and you have no shared interests.

The not-nice one will probably become less nice as well. And having things in common won't make up for that. 

My best friends at school now are Luke, Austin, Chris, and Doug. (9/2/93).

I was putting myself in another Smurfette situation. I think I did that a lot in college.

I'm sick of Austin and his way of going out. I feel like saying go out with Jennifer and leave me alone. I'm sick of Jennifer's phony smile and Austin leading her on. (9/22/93).

I think things were complicated for Austin, because he and Jennifer had been friends. It wasn't just like she had a crush from afar.  

I think he knew she had a crush on him and didn't like hurting her.

If I remember correctly, eventually he developed feelings for her too.

I kind of like Russ. He is funny. (9/25/93).

Russ was Austin's roommate. He eventually became my next big crush.

I'm becoming better friends with Chris. Austin and I seem to be drifting apart. He just doesn't seem to like me enough. He acts as if he's this great prize to be won and I'm so honored to go out with him.

I think Jennifer has given him too big of an ego. Austin needs to come down to earth and realize he is not the king of the male species. Yes, I like him, but he is not the gold at the end of the rainbow. (9/29/93)

I like how I name Jennifer as the cause of his ago. As if I wasn't giving out big egos with all my crushes. With Austin, it was probably a matter of two girls being openly interested in him. 

Jennifer and I bonded today. She even hugged me and we got everything off our chest. I like her a lot.

Dana and Austin seem to like each other. That's good, because I like Russ. (10/2/93).

Who is Dana? And poor Jennifer. She gets pushed to the side again. Will she ever get her chance?

I decided I'm not going to tell anyone I like Russ, not even Susan. I told my family, but that doesn't count. It's weird because I kind of like Austin's 2 best friends (Russ and Edward). I hardly like Edward though. I really do like Russ though. I am so happy with these friends.

Austin had a crush on Edward's girlfriend so maybe he'll be understanding if he ever finds out I like his roommate. I wish Austin would tell the people in his apartment that we are not together. I wonder if Russ knows. (10/4/93)

I can still picture Russ in my mind. He was adorable in a nerdy/geeky way.

I can't picture Austin or David. I know I don't have pictures of David. I've often tried to find one online. I might have a photo of Austin somewhere. Maybe?  I should look.  

I'm over Russ and I'm not sure if I'm over Austin.  I was so into liking Russ that I ignored my feelings for Austin. I have this fantasy where he tells me it was a mistake, that he thought I wanted to end it. What's weird is, in some way I want Austin to go out with Jennifer. It seems that we fought so hard for him. Someone should win him. (10/8/93).

I'm totally shipping Jennifer and Austin. I hope they eventually got together and are now happily married somewhere.  

I'm hiding out in the library. There I encountered harsh anti-semitism. At first I found it slightly humorous. But then I saw a picture of a child. The White Supremacists wrote, "Gas me". That's disgusting. Anyone who transfers hate onto a child is beyond evil. Yes, that's what I think. (10/10/93). 

I don't remember that, but I do remember a friend questioning the reality of the Holocaust. And I think he had gotten this idea from a brochure he was given.