Sunday, April 22, 2018

My Life in 1994 (Part 5)

New Diary Time!



I like that one—the traveling theme.

Anyway....

These diary excerpts are from the last semester of my junior year.

Joe annoyed me. He was going to watch a movie with me for psychology. We couldn't watch the film. I wanted to go home and do something. He wanted me to do something with him. 

I knew it would be rude not to so I walked around with him.

I think what really bothered me is when Terry invited me to a party. He said if you go as a couple it will be less money.

Joe took that to mean we should go together. I said I wanted to go independently. I know that is mean, but I don't want to go as a date! (4/17/94).

I don't remember Joe.

I think that's the first time I've seen him mentioned.

I did not have a headache today. I prayed a prayer of thanks because of it. It is important not to take days without headaches for granted. I think Susan taught me that. (4/20/94)

That lesson of Susan's has stuck with me through the years.

I think I used it this morning.

Often, I don't feel good in the late afternoon and evenings. This morning I realized that last night, I felt pretty okay. So, that was cool.

I also try to be grateful for the fact that I almost always feel good in the mornings and early afternoons.

I had a lot of fun with David last night .His paper was hilarious. It was so informal. I think the teacher will probably give him a terrible grade. I would give him a good grade. It is interesting and publishable. He wrote all this personal stuff which kind of embarrassed me. He talked about his puberty and high school insecurities. It made me realize that, at one time, David's heart was probably broken too. He was nice. We laughed a lot together. (4/21/94)

So...I did end up typing David's paper.

I'm kind of glad. It seems like we enjoyed our time together. And I also like that David didn't just throw the paper at me to type while he went off to do something else. It looks like we spent time together.  I like that we had this little reunion—that we hadn't become completely cold and distant toward each other.

Farakkhan was on Barbara Walters today. He said the Jews exploited the Blacks because blacks bought shirts at Jewish stores. So if I go to the Fountain Square Pharmacy and buy a drink, am I being exploited by an Arab? (4/22/94)

I think consumerism IS a type of exploitation, actually. But it's usually much more benign than other types of exploitation.

It also depends on how things are being sold and promoted. It's worse when a company works to lower self-esteem so the consumers feel they need to buy the product or service in order to be worthy.

Kirsty slightly annoyed me because she didn't bring my book to class though she said she would. It's weird that once Kirsty was so important to me. Now I just let her use me. What she asks of me is not a sacrifice on my part. And I know she is using me, so there are no false pretenses. (4/25/94)

It is kind of of sad to have a friendship reduced to a book-borrowing arrangement.

I had a fight with Stacy last night. They were being super loud at round 2 AM. I politely asked them to be quiet. They just stared at the TV and completely ignored me. I was like, "Hello?"

Then they said really rudely, "We heard you."

I asked them what they're problem was.

Stacy said, "Why are you making such a big deal. We heard you."

I said the polite and respectful thing to do would be to answer.

When I left, Stacy said, "The only person I respect is my momma." (4/26/94)

Roommate drama.

It was rude of Stacy to be loud so late at night. But I don't blame her for saying that at the end. I think it's okay to request/demand politeness from people. It's quite another to demand respect. So, fuck past-me for that.

Reuben said Ayub said he ended the relationship because I would not sleep with him. I don't mind that he changed the story to say he dumped me. I'd rather not be the "heartbreaker". (4/27/94)

Well, I do mind now!  LYING ASSHOLE. I hope Ayub has had his ego crushed many times since then.

I just got bad news. Kim is here all summer. Stacy will be here until Tuesday. Worse yet. Her last test is Monday which means she will party and keep me up Monday night. (4/28/94)

I'm not sure why it mattered that Kim would be here all summer. I wouldn't be there.

Maybe I meant that part of that summer would include the ending of the spring semester. And I'd be there for that.

I think maybe Kim and Stacy were friends, and together they were my antagonists.

At Temple. I met someone my age! I was so excited. He was 21! He is more obsessed with Judaism than I am.  No, probably not. He was adopted by Baptists and still has some Christian beliefs.  (4/29/98)

I'm wondering if this is Matthew.

I met Matthew at Temple one night and we became best friends eventually.

But Matthew was converting to Judaism. I think I would have mentioned that.

Maybe Matthew comes along at a different time.

Anyway, the guy's name is Jeremy. (4/29/94)

Okay. Not Matthew. I should have read down further.

I remember that I ended up not liking Jeremy. That would come later. But for now there's some minor complaining.

One thing he said that bothered me was a Palestinian said in class, your people killed my people. He said, your people shouldn't have been in our homeland.

I didn't like what he said, but the Palestinian was wrong to single him out and generalize him in front of the whole class. It's like me saying to a German, your people killed my people in front of a whole class. (4/29/94)

Jeremy's Christian background, might be PART of the reason he saw Israel as being a Jewish homeland that shouldn't include Palestinians. It's not that there aren't Jews with that attitude. Unfortunately. But you add up Jewish and Christian Evangelism and you 're likely to get an attitude that's very much Palestinian-Unfriendly.

My body is falling apart. It's like one of those bad dreams where you are losing your teeth. Today I was sitting watching TV and I felt like my skull was filling up with pressure. It felt like exploding. Then I also have had chest pain. I start worrying that I am having a heart attack. (4/30/94)

Ha! I still worry about having a heart attack. Although now it's actually more likely, since I'm a bit older.

But I'm getting this idea that I'm going to go on and become this 103 year old woman who's still worried about heart attacks.

Jennifer wants to move in with me. I think it might be okay. She'd probably get on my nerves. She is a slob. But I think I can survive with her. (4/30/94)

I'm pretty messy, so if I'm calling someone a slob, that's probably something.

Or actually...maybe not.

I think of Jack and Tim as slobs, but their slobbiness is probably equal to mine, or at least not much higher. I think it's just easier to tolerate messes that we've created ourselves.

I didn't end up having Jennifer as a roommate. I wonder what happened there.

Jeremy is not my type. He is annoying. I like him as a friend. He is too whiney. At Friday's everytime, I talked, he was looking around. He is too conservative. He is after a virgin and probably wants a traditional lifestyle. He is at least a virgin so at least he will not...double standard (major sentence/grammar issues here). 

Anyway, he kept joking about people at temple wanting us to get married. I know he was joking, but it is too early to even start joking about it. (5/1/94)

I can imagine Jeremy becoming the kind of guy who proudly owns a MAGA hat.

Dawn told mom I remind her of Steven Spielberg. He is my hero. (5/2/94)

That's VERY sweet. Thanks, Dawn! And that was nice of my mom to pass on the compliment.

I just realized why black people always talk during movies. I thought they were just being rude, but now I realize they are doing the call-response thing. They are responding to the movies. I think knowing this will make me more understanding. I will hope they whisper, though. That would be better. (5/2/94)

I guess this is another lesson from my black psychology class.

I consulted Lord Wiki, because I don't remember what I had learned.

He says it's used in civic affairs, religious rituals, songs, etc.  It's where one person says something and asks the audience to respond. I think it's like when you're at a show and the host shouts out, Are you all excited to be here?  And the audience is supposed to scream out yes.  I think a lot of cultures use it, but I wonder if the practice originated with Africans.

As for the movie theory, I think I came up with that idea myself. I'm not sure it's the exact same thing, because movies don't usually ask for a response.

Maybe, though, the response doesn't need to be requested. Maybe it's just known that the audience should respond.

It's kind of like with listening to individuals. Some people are okay with the quiet listener—the one who just sits and stares while you talk. That makes me nervous.  I feel like I'm talking to a wall. I'd much rather have someone who is vocally responsive.

Melissa and I talked about history today. She knows a lot. She said the teacher singled her out as a Jew and said since Melissa is a Jew, she will do other people's homework for them and carry their books. If people turn in Jews, they will get A's in the class. If they are friends with Jews, they will be killed. (5/3/94)

I can understand the value in lesson plans like this, but I think it is MUCH better if the teacher doesn't single out a literal member of the targeted group. Have a gentile play the Jew or have a white person play the slave. Or...use something like eye color.

The Kushner's drove me to the airport. (5/4/94)

That was very nice of them! They're the people I had met via the synagogue.

My dad said something weird today. He said in the 1950's, the Jews were ashamed and embarrassed about the Holocaust. (5/5/94)

I wonder if that's true. I didn't have the Internet back then, so if my father said something strange, it would be hard to verify.

It reminds me, though, of Australians and convict ancestry. These days it's seen as being cool. But awhile back, it was seen as an embarrassment.

I think with any type of victimhood or adversity, feelings of shame can eventually turn into feelings of triumph.

Melissa is now sulking because we are not fun enough for her. She is now eating a hot fudge sundae. (5/7/94)

Sorry, Melissa!

Paula has given me a book to read. I'm kind of sick of people giving me things to read. I have fun picking out books for myself. (5/7/94)

Yes. I still agree with this.

Sometimes it's nice to get suggestions, but it becomes less fun if happens too often.

We went to Dawn's graduation. Grandma Bea is senile. She talks too much. I think she is losing her mind. (5/8/94). That was my ignorant and rude way of informing my diary that my grandmother was developing dementia.

I think the actors and people I have crushes on now: Dana Carvey, Gary Oldman, Jeff Goldblum, And Steven Spielberg. (5/8/94)

I like reading about past celebrity crushes.

I was thinking I'd like my grandchildren to read my diaries. That would be neat. I wonder if there would be anything interesting. I wish I could read a diary of someone in the past. I'd love to find out more about my great great grandparents and stuff. (5/9/94)

I'd still like all that.

I wonder if I'll have any grandchildren, great-nieces, or great-nephews that are interested in family history and will like reading.