Saturday, April 14, 2018

My Life in 1993 (Part 3)

New diary time!

I like this one. It has a French cafe kind of feel to it. Plus I like pink.

These excerpts are from my junior year of college.

I thought of something today. I worry that I'm being too nice to Russ and that he'll catch on to the fact that I like him. I worry about going over there or asking him not to leave, etc. 

Then I remembered before I had any feelings for him, I was sickly nice. I remember once saying "I won't go unless you go". I was always so nice to him. (10/17/93)

I definitely don't agree with the motto "Treat them mean; keep them keen".  But I do think it's easier to be very nice to someone when we don't have feelings for them. Once we have feelings, it's harder to be very nice, because there's the risk of rejection. Well, rejection hurts even if it's from a platonic type of relationship. But I think rejection stings much more when it comes from a romantic interest.

I feel so bad because Doug came here and I was so mean to him. I know he deserved it, but I still feel bad. I hate to hurt people. I hate to say no to people. I just feel so guilty all the time. (10/20/93)

I'm still this way.

I wonder what Doug did that was deserving of my wrath.

For a moment today I was really attracted to Chris. I was in his room with Vance and him. I don't know. I really don't think anyone will take me serious until next semester. Russ probably still sees me as Austin's ex-woman. (10/21/93)

Tonight I went out with Dana and Jennifer and Tony. We ate at Chili's. It was fun and I appreciated being invited. (10/22/93).

Yeah. It's nice to be invited.

Well...when you want to go, and you want to be included.

It's much less fun when you don't want to go, and then you have to feel stressed out about saying no.

Today was homecoming and I participated in none of it. This weekend was a female bonding thing.

This afternoon I hung out with Vanessa. She is nice, but a bit weird. She gets on my nerves sometimes. (10/23/93)

Vanessa was like me in that she became obsessed with cultures she didn't belong to.  Although she might not have jumped around like I do.

When I knew her, she was obsessed with Islam and Muslims. Is that still the case? Is she still passionate about that? Has she found new passions?

I wore bright pink today, which I like to do sometimes. (10/25/93)

Funny seeing that after mentioning that I like the pink on the diary.

But maybe that's why I bought the diary in the first place.

I still like Susan, though. She might transfer back here. Oh and I'm not being dishonest with myself. I said over and over that I love Mike when really he repulsed me. I'll try to be honest. Susan is still my best friend, but in some ways I feel like I'm outgrowing her or perhaps she is outgrowing me. And that is such a depressing thought because I had so much fun with her. 

Oh, now that I think of her being here, I think it wonderful and I regret my words above. We could have so much fun and maybe I shall feel more secure. (10/26/93)

I know it sounds like I pulled Susan suddenly out of thin air. But, no. We did have a strong, fun friendship the year before. It's just I guess I took her for granted when writing in my diary.

Susan did end up transferring. When I think back to that time, I feel it was more about her rejecting me. But who knows... She might have rejected me, because she felt I was rejecting her.

Dana locked her key in her car. It gave me an excuse to call David. He was super nice on the phone. Then later I ran into Dawn who was going to see David. I saw him and he was super nice again. He joked with me and when I sprayed him with water, he made a comment about me not talking to him all semester. 

Of course I started liking him again. (10/29/93)


Susan and I are definitely drifting apart. This sucks. In a way,  I think we are both jealous of each other. She's jealous because I hang out with other female and I'm jealous because she spends more time with Ashley than me. (10/30/93)

I'm guessing Ashley is a male name in this case. Otherwise, I'd probably say something like we're both jealous of each other's other female friends.

Today was a terrible day. River Phoenix died and Melissa was in a car wreck. Melissa's okay. River is not. (10/31/93)

I remember River Phoenix dying, but I don't remember my sister's car accident. But...I think it was pretty minor. I think I'd remember her having a major accident.

Today Eric was in the library looking at microfilm about River Phoenix. He said his death upset him because he had hoped to one day meet River Phoenix.  It reminded me a lot of me and Heather O'Rourke. I started thinking about how River Phoenix and Heather O'Rourke were in the movie Surviving together. Now they're both dead. (11/1/93)

I think maybe that's why some of us are hit hard by celebrity deaths. It's not just the loss of a favorite...something.  It's the loss of a fantasy. It's the loss of an imagined future-friend, future-coworker, future lover, etc.  But maybe those fantasies are more likely when we're young...and/or delusional.

And even if there's no delusional fantasies, there's still the loss of potential future enjoyed movies, TV shows, books, concerts, etc.

Maybe River Phoenix would have made more great movies.

Maybe he'd now be the star of a Netflix TV show.

Today I got an 89 on my test which upset me. Libby understood how I felt. 89 isn't bad, but I really deserved an A. (11/4/93)

I like that I had the confidence to believe I deserved an A. least pretended to my diary that I had confidence.

I think an 89 is quite relative. If you're struggling in a class, an 89 would be fantastic. If you think you're doing excellent work, an 89 might feel unfair and/or disappointing.

I want a stuffed animal for my birthday. (11/4/93).

I still love stuffed animals. Though we have way too many, and I'm not sure what to do with them.

Throw them away? Donate them to a thrift store? Save them?

I might save them, because I once got rid of my childhood favorites, and I still kind of regret that.

I just want to be alone. No roommates. No anything. I want to go to the graveyard alone. I'm sick of people. Everyone annoys me, even nice people. I just see someone and I feel like hiding. (11/5/93)

I still get that way sometimes. It's much better now. It's easy to find time alone when your child is a teenager.

It's probably not so easy when you're living on a college campus.

Tonight no one got on my nerves. I liked Effie. I even felt forgiving towards Doug. Maybe it's all because of Scrooged. That miracle can happen to you! (11/6/93).

I love that movie. It's been so long since I've seen it.

I'm still wondering what Doug did to make me so mad.

The only thing offensive I remember him doing is having information about Holocaust denial. But I don't remember getting mad at him about that. I think I just felt...exasperated? There's that feeling when someone starts to believe something ignorant, and you're at a loss about what to do. Should you try to reason with them? Is it worth it? Are you smart and persuasive enough to get them on your side?

You know what I'm thinking. My first sexual experience sucked. It was terrible, painful, and mundane. I hate for Mike for that. I don't blame him for the pain but for the conning me into it. (11/7/93)

I had planned to avoid most of the sex stuff, but I felt that was significant.

It reminds me of this editorial—"The Female Price of Male Pleasure".

I was about to say how many women have been coerced into sex?  But that seems like a silly question?  It would be better to say how many women have NOT ever been coerced into sex? Or: How many women have been coerced into sex multiple times?

The number might not be overly high if we're talking about the traditional idea of coercion—rape, threats of violence, ridicule, etc.                 

But it's a different story if we include things like begging, puppy dog eyes, flattery, guilt trips, sulking, silent treatments, etc.

I'm getting sick of the Holocaust and Zionism. Now I'd rather read about Jewish customs, Hasidism, etc. (11/8/93).

I don't often mention my Jewish-obsession, but it was there. Though I guess it wasn't as strong as my obsession with Russ, Austin, David, etc.

I just almost swallowed a part of my pen. I could have choked and died right here, right now while writing in this diary. What an embarrassing way to die. (11/14/93)

Well, I'm glad I survived.  Back in the days when pens were used by almost everyone on a daily basis...I wonder how many people choked on a pen-piece and died?

I cried at dinner today for 3 reasons.  The first reason is because I might not be able to go home on Thanksgiving. The second reason is because no one is interested in celebrating my birthday with me. Chris is going to see Cameron. The third reason is because of what is happening to the group. It is dismantling. (11/17/93).

I don't think I ever had a time that I was unable to go home for Thanksgiving. I was wondering why I'd believe it to be a threat. Now I'm thinking it was probably weather related.

This would have been my 21st birthday. I remember it being lonely and disappointing. I think maybe Luke was the only one there.

I should mention Luke more often. He's in the diary sometimes, but I guess I don't find the mentions interesting enough.

If he was there for my lonely birthday, it was nice of him. I don't blame myself for being disappointed, though. It's not about Luke. I'm sure it's just that I wanted more than one person celebrating with me. And even more than that, I'm sure I wanted one of my crushes with me.

I've lost my parents and David still has a girlfriend. That's the main news of today. (11/18/93)

Where did my parents go?

I'm mystified by all this.

Hopefully my past self will do some explaining.'s more Thanksgiving stuff:  Hopefully I can go home for Thanksgiving. Otherwise I'll stay here because I don't think I want to go home with a friend. I'd rather sit here and feel sorry for myself. (11/18/93)

Yeah. I guess it was weather. OR...maybe something went wrong with buying the plane tickets? Or there could have been a strike?

I had a pretty nice day. I watched Untamed Heart with Jennifer and then we went to Kenny Rogers Roasters. Then I went to Chris's and watched SNL. I've decided that for now on I will be a hermit and only do things when other people initiate it. I know that sounds weak, but I'm sick of initiating plans. (11/20/93).

I actually think it's a good plan. From what I'm reading, I feel I was way too social in college. And I think there was an issue with me having to seek people out rather than them seeking me out. It's not great for one's self-esteem.

The generous side of me is thinking that people didn't seek me out because they didn't need to. I made myself available, and they took me for granted. The mean side of me is thinking all these people might have wished me to disappear, but they didn't have magical powers. And they didn't want to be rude or mean.

It's probably a mixture of both things, actually.

I went out to dinner with Vanessa and Carlina and Carlina's sister. I had a lot of fun with them. Vanessa got me a bunch of Kool-Aid, which I really needed. Carlina and her sister got me a card, which was thoughtful, considering none of my friends seem like they plan to acknowledge that it is my birthday. Maybe I'm assuming things. But I doubt it. Tomorrow we shall see. (11/21/72).

I guess it wasn't just Luke who had been there for me. That's nice.

I think a problem I've often had is that I give more thought to those who disappoint me than to those that are there for me.

As for the Kool-Aid?  I don't know. Was I into Kool-Aid at some point?

I was very hurt by Chris today. He did not call or do anything for my birthday. That made me feel very sad.

But I still had a good birthday because people did come through for me. My dad called 3 times. My mom called twice. My sister called once and then they all called. 

Luke called and then he took me out for yogurt. I appreciated it a lot.

Mike came over and gave me a card.

Vanessa came over and then she ate dinner with me.

But even if a hundred people helped me celebrate my birthday, I'd still be hurt by Chris. (11/22/93)

I like that even though I was disappointed and hurt on my birthday, I still TRIED to appreciate the people that were there for me.

I talked to a guy named Charles about writing for a black pamphlet called the Liberator. (11/23/93)


It sounds really intriguing.

I dated a Charles for awhile. Was this him?

And was this pamphlet black in color or did it have something to do with black people?  If it's the latter, why would they want me to write in it?

Well...I've done some Googling and thinking. I'm guessing it's about black people, because why would I have taken note of the literal color of the pamphlet.


Wait. I just reread what I wrote. I originally interpreted it as him asking me to write for it. But maybe I just meant that he talked about writing for it! That makes more sense. If he was black.

I was thinking it could be a special section of the newsletter—from the perspective of a white person. But do we not get enough white perspective in this world?

I am tired and I'm full. This is a weird hotel. My family is together again and already there are sparks of arguments. No fights have sprouted, but they're bud is there. In Invasion of the Body Snatcher language, the arguments are still in the pod stage. 

Mel, Dawn, and I had fun on the plane. (11/24/93).  I'm guessing we all went to California to visit my grandparents. Or we might have gone to Chicago?

I started thinking about how David said he would make me laugh on my death bed just by counting to 3. I just think it's amazing how much I love him. (11/25/93)

I think that's kind of sweet...for some reason.

They played Boggle today and I was bored. I didn't bring enough books. I'm almost finished with the Exorcist. No, I'm not almost finished, but I read more than 100 pages in about an hour. This book has to last me thru tomorrow and the plane ride Sunday.

I'm getting fat and unattractive. I'll go on a diet on Monday. (11/26/93).

Oh young, thin girl. If you could see us now. You'd be horrified and angry.

So...we were in California visiting my grandparents. That's where the Boggling would happen.

I get along well with my dad very well now. Maybe it's because I am not so afraid of The Exorcist anymore. I faced my biggest fear. Maybe I am at peace now. (11/26/93)

You might be at peace temporarily, but trust me...that peace aint going to last long.

One thing I need to stop doing is excusing what my dad did because I ended up liking horror movies, or even worse, giving him credit for introducing me to horror movies.

My liking of horror movies doesn't excuse the fact that he exposed me to something terrifying when I was too young to psychologically protect myself.

I finished reading The Exorcist. I loved it. In fact, it almost made me cry. It was great...The book Exorcist did not disappoint me in the way the movie did. It did not leave me with a bunch of questions and left open possibilities that Regan wasn't possessed.

And it made me feel sadness when the priest died. Here I loved Karras. In the movie, he totally bored me. 

I feel bad for the demon too because he must be desperately bored to start such sideshows.  

And when I watched the first season of the TV show, I thought they made Pazuzu look pathetic. Why is this powerful, ancient demon wasting his time stalking the same family for decades?  I think it's kind of insulting, actually. The real Pazuzu should protest—maybe have a march or something.

I was so rejected on the plane. I was sitting in between a college age guy and girl. He hardly spoke any words to me. Then later he started asking her questions with me in the middle. It was like I was sandwiched in between their flirting. I did get in the conversation. Why is it so important for me to be outwardly beautiful? I'm going on a healthy starvation diet tomorrow. If I get anorexic and die...oh well. (11/28/93)

About twelve years later, I would have an eating disorder.

I was thinking that every time I have people telling me I'm going to hell because I am a Jew, I always find comfort in knowing Steven Spielberg is Jewish. I think he may be my mentor or one of them. (12/1/93)

I've forgotten how hard it is to live among a bunch of Bible Belt people. And there was no Twitter back then to help you feel less alone.

Then I went to temple. The rabbi's sermon was interesting for the first time. He talked about Hanukah and how it is ironic that the holiday celebrates religious pride and it is the time of year that Jews are so tempted to join Christians on their holidays. (12/3/93)

Yeah. That is kind of ironic.

I finally gave into the temptation...a year ago? Maybe two years. We got our first Christmas tree. I've often wanted one. I had this idea that if I had a Christmas tree, it wouldn't be all fancy, boring, and uniform. It would be free-spirited—each ornament would mean something.

I guess what I didn't realize is that meaningful ornaments can be expensive....especially if your family likes Disney and pop culture.

I can't remember if we decorated the tree for two years or just one. But when we first started, our tree was decorated mostly with Disney Magicbands and those little koala pincher things.

Now that I think of was probably just one year. I think 2016. Then for Christmas, we bought some ornaments and put them up. It still looked pretty unattractive, though.

The sad thing is, the tree is still up. We're so lazy. We haven't taken it down yet.

And it gets worse. Since our tree was still up, we could have decorated it for 2017 Christmas.  We didn't. The problem is, I actually started taking the tree down. I think because Annie (the cat) was messing with it. But I didn't finish. So we have this half-tree. Oh. And also, I think the lights were too tangled, and we didn't want to mess with it.

Anyway, the moral of the story is SOME Jews can handle a Christmas tree and should have one. But Jews like us? No!

Then when I got home there was a message from Russ. He only called because he knew Dana was there, of course. He asked me if I wanted my script. I went over and he was really nice, almost too nice. He started saying these things about how women shouldn't have to be cooking and should do what they want. It was like Mrs. Sexist Pig was turning into Gloria Steinan (Is that her name?). He even apologized for missing my birthday. It was weird. When I said I wasn't going to call anymore and wait for people to call me, I figured I'd have at least one weekend all alone. I guess I was lucky, but that lonely time will come. Life is a see-saw. It's full of ups and downs. (12/4/93)

Yep. One day we can feel loved and wanted. Another day we can feel invisible and ignored.

Today Vanessa, Chris, and I went to the coffee shop. Chris wants to be a priest. I think that's cool. Vanessa said she thought I was the prettiest girl on campus. If that was true, I'm pitiful. If I'm the prettiest girl on campus and I don't find a boyfriend, how would I ever find one being ugly. I only sometimes think I'm pretty. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I'm in love with myself. Other times, I look and want to puke. I can look very ugly. I guess, in a sense, I'm average. (12/6/93)

I think it's more like my appearance, just like my social life, was on a see-saw.

These days, my appearance is most often on the low side. I rarely have moments of attractiveness.

I called Dana today. We talked for about 30 minutes. I like her a lot. I think I may live with her next year. (12/7/93).

I tend to talk about Dana a lot. The sad thing is, I don't remember her.

This apartment is too loud. I like them though. Right now I like Effie best, than Stacey and last Arethia. (12/7/93)

Eventually things went sour between my roommates and me. I thought it was from close to the beginning, but it's already December and I seem to be getting along with them okay.

I remember feeling that they hated me because I was white. Because of that, I ended up doing an ignorant, privileged-white-person kind of thing...which I talked about in a past post.

My roommates and I bonded today. I liked all 3 of them today. I think Effie is my favorite.

Vanessa and I had fun at the fountain shop. I had a chocolate cherry soda and she had strawberry chocolate soda. (12/9/93)

It was a cool old fashioned pharmacy owned by Palestinians. Now I'm remembering that Vanessa might have worked there? She was really into Islamic culture, and that's probably why she got herself that job.

My hate list today? It's Cara. She is a bitch in all sense of the words. She drove home drunk and I would not feel the least bit upset if she died. If no one else got hurt, I'd say one less low life in the world. (12/10/93).

I had strong feelings about the issue since my sister had been hit by a drunk driver.

I can't say I've changed. Probably the only difference now is that, along with not being sorry about her death, I'd also be glad that she might end up an organ donor.

No...I HAVE changed. Because I feel bad about what I wrote above.Someday it could be someone I love making that huge, selfish mistake. I'd be angry but very sad.

On the other hand, it could someday be someone I love needing that organ....

I like Dana because she calls me a lot. Luke came with me to temple.We sang Hanukah songs. I had a lot of fun. (12/10/93)

Luke came from a major Bible Belt family. So it's pretty cool that he went to college, became friends with a Jewish girl, went to synagogue with her, etc.

I sang good today in front of Luke. (12/11/93)  What did I mean by that? Did he say I sang good, and I've forgotten that I once got a compliment all the way back then? Or did I just mean I WAS able to sing good. Because I think mostly in those days I would have been to shy to sing in front of most people.

I don't know why I like Dana so much. Maybe it's reaction formation. Maybe I really hate her. But I can't hate her. I think we all are in a predicament of mixed up love. (12/11/93)

In case, my little excerpts aren't clear...

What was happening is I had feelings for Russ, and Russ supposidly had feelings for Dana. At the same time, Dana and I seemed to have a nice friendship. She didn't know I liked Russ. I'm not sure what her feelings toward Russ were. Did she know he liked her? Was she not interested?

I told Jennifer I liked Russ. Mostly because I was sick of hearing her tell Russ, in front of me, to ask Dana out. In some ways, I thought she was doing it to hurt me and that she knew I liked him. But she was very surprised when I told her. She seemed very encouraging and said Russ doesn't like Dana too much. She said she had no clue I liked him and that mostly she could tell when people like someone. (12/12/93)

I like our new house. I like my room. I thought I would have no room, but I have tons of empty drawers. I thought I lost my purse yesterday and today I really did lose it. I left it in the van. (12/14/93).

I went shopping with my mom today.She kept on using normative influence. Saying, "It will make you look sophisticated." Since when do I want to be sophisticated? (12/15/93)

I see that I was having fun using terminology from my psych major. I don't actually remember the terms much—"normative influence...reaction formation". But I can kind of guess what they mean by the context.

I watched Aladdin today. My whole family, minus Melissa, played Karaoke. I watched the soaps. I saw my boyfriend, Ian Rain. He is too sexy. I also am madly in love with Aladdin. He is so adorable. (12/17/93)

I wrote David a x-mas card that told my whole truth towards him. Now I'm not sure that I want to send it. I think I should. What's to lose? I can't win and I can't lose. (12/18/93)

I wonder if I sent it.

Schindler's List. I do think it was probably the most well-made film I've ever seen. The directing, symbolism, etc. was incredible.

I recommend the film. No, I don't just recommend it. I wish I could make seeing the movie a law. I wish everyone would see it. (12/19/93)

It might be good for that wish to be renewed...for the Trump era.  Although it would only be effective if people see it as a warning against genocide and bigotry in general not if they see it only as an antisemitism issue.

Anyway, it wouldn't cure antisemitism. if an antisemite sees the movie, they'll either applaud the murder of the Jews or they'll claim the story is completely fiction.

 I walked to the library. That was exciting. I mailed the David card and now I kind of regret it. It was a tough choice. (12/20/93)

I just realized/remembered that I'm now living in the same house that my family lived in all those years ago!  I've walked to the same library these past few years. Though, not lately.

I feel indifference about Christmas. I am obsessed with Judaism again. (12/22/93).

I didn't realize my obsession had paused.

I want to try to be less wishy-washy and have set beliefs. I think it is essential to be open-minded but I can be too open-minded. I think I should always be eager to listen to other's opinions, and respect their opinion, but I shouldn't change my own opinion as often as I do. (12/22/93)

I'm now very closed-minded about certain Trump, healthcare, the NRA, the horrific treatment of black people in our country, etc.

My mind is closed to bullshit and I have no interest in opening it.

So there!

Judd is here. We all went to eat at Grady's and every single one of us ate the Florentine pizza. I was the first one to finish mine. I even beat Dad. I am so a fast eater. I am considering spending the summer in an extensive study of Judaism and other religions. Maybe almost all books I choose for summer reading shall be about religion in some way. (12/23/93)

That's the first mention of Judd I've seen. He's my sister's husband—the father of my two nieces.  I think they started dating in February 1992. So it took almost two years for him to make it into my diary.

What is Grady's? I think I've heard of a restaurant with that name, but I'm picturing southern cooking, not pizza.

Melissa tries to make me dress like her. I know there are problems with my style, but I am not very fond of her style. She looks stiff and stuck up. I just want to look thinner. (12/23/93)

Maybe what I meant by that is that I wanted to be thin like Melissa. She's always been quite tiny.

I came close to crying while watching Days of our Lives today. Marlena got her baby back. I think I have a crush on Tony. He is so sexy with glasses. (12/24/93)

I love that in these December 1993 entries, twice I mention soap opera characters played by Aussie actors. Though it wouldn't be until MUCH later that I learn that Thaao Penghlis is Australian.

I started to read W.P. Blatty's The Legion. It's so damn philosophical. Blatty makes Kinderman too much of a Jewish stereotype. Every other page, he's eating bagels, chicken soup, or complaining about the carp in the bathtub.  

It doesn't seem scary. I hope it's not like Pet Sematary. The first half was not at all scary. The last part almost made me shit in my pants. (12/24/93)

If I remember correctly, I ended up loving Legion.

A minor tragedy has come to me today. I lost Eli. And honestly, I already miss the little guy. I wonder where he has gone. Does he miss me? (12/25/93)

I wish I remembered who or what Eli was.

I also wish I remembered Dana.

Wait. I read further down. There are some clues.

God I miss Eli. I knew I'd lose him one day. He's always flying across the room and what not. He can never stay in one place. Maybe I shall search the house for him before I go to sleep.

I feel so attached to Eli. He's my book buddy. (12/25/93)

A part of me is thinking I was being typical-Dina and had made an insect my pet. Another part of me is thinking I had dissociative identity disorder, and my other personality had taken over the diary. Maybe she had a little spirit friend or an imaginary friend.

I feel bad because it seems like Judd is having a bad time on the cruise.  Melissa and I met people. I think they're really cool.  The only thing is, I feel I should spend more time with the family.  I feel bad for leaving Dawn and Judd and Mom and Dad. Melissa and I seem to be the only ones having fun. 

Melissa is out alone. I'm worried. I'm not afraid she'll get hurt, but I'm scared she'll forget her room number or something. She is such an airhead sometimes. (12/26/93)

Oh yeah...right.  Like I've never forgotten my room number. If Melissa's an airhead, it's something we have in common.

I feel bad for Judd a lot. I try to talk to him. I remember the first days of camp when no one talks to you. You feel the worse. Then as soon as you are in a conversation, you feel much better. (12/26/93)

That's one good thing about loneliness. It can give you compassion for other people who seem to be suffering from the same thing.

Melissa is hanging out with this guy Darren, and I like his brother. It's cool. (12/27/93).

Warning: Another long-term obsessive crush is beginning.

I think Evan likes me. A new girl came in the picture named Lula. She is trying to steal Darren from Melissa, but I think Melissa has won. (12/29/93)

I can't remember Dana who I spent MANY weeks with in college. But I can clearly remember Darren, Evan, Evan's friend James, Lula, etc.  I can picture all of them in my mind. There's an easy explanation, though. We have photos of them, and I've looked at them many times.

I MIGHT have photos of Dana. I don't really look at college photos a lot. I should. Though I'm not sure I'll know which one is Dana.

Oh well. I am tired. I am really going to miss Darren, Evan, and James. I hope they're in my heart forever.  (12/29/93) know. I think they still have at least a tiny bit of real estate there.

I feel like the cruise is limbo. I feel like there is no life outside of the boat. (12/30/93)

I often feel that way on cruises or at camp.

Another terrible New Years. Evan has found himself another woman. I have no idea where Melissa is. She's probably with Darren. I think James likes me. I kind of like him too. (12/31/93)

And the liking would last for quite awhile....