Monday, April 30, 2018

My Life in 1995 (Part 1)

This is the year I'd start dating my husband.

But that won't happen for awhile....



I also think that the diaries end soon after I get together with my husband. I have the diary shown above; then one more diary. And that diary is not filled up all the way.

I have other notebooks and things I want to go through, though.

I saw Little Women. It was good. Mostly I was impressed with Kirsten Dunst's performance. I think she is a good actress. (1/1/95)

I still like Kirsten Dunst a lot. I think the last thing we saw her in was Fargo. She was great in that. I also saw her in an indie film. What was its name.....

It was funny, because it had three actors known for vampire roles—Dunst, Kiefer Sutherland, and Alexander Skarsgard.

I'll look at one of their filmographies to find the name of the movie....

I found it— Melancholia.

Mom and I had an argument with Judd about Clinton and Vietnam. (1/1/95)

Was my mom on my side? I wonder what the argument was about. Was it Clinton and then Vietnam? Or was the Clinton and Vietnam stuff connected?

It's interesting, because both my mom and Judd are right-winged and I'm left-winged. Though, as far as I know, my mom doesn't like Trump. Judd is a big fan. Though I think he might be becoming less of a fan.

I feel Charles is a boyfriend I hardly talk to, but as long as I still like him, that is okay. I'm sure we will talk more when school starts. (1/2/95)

In today's world of connectivity, I wonder how long people go without talking to their boyfriends and girlfriends.

Although, even back then, I would think it's strange to go a day without talking to the person you're in a relationship with. Though, of course, there'd be an exception if communication ability was limited. For example, when we were on the cruise.

My parents are upset that I want to work on a cruise ship. I think it would be great. I think I'd want to do a low class job, though, because I don't want to hang out with British and American fake snobs. Not to be prejudice or anything. I'd rather be with international party animals with sexy accents. (1/2/95)

I think that was my way of saying, I'm sick of white people.

I didn't know I had those feelings back then.

I'm not sure I like the term low-class jobs. But there is definitely classism when it comes to occupations. So maybe I'm okay with it.

I'm glad I was interested in those types of jobs. Though I can't imagine I'd have the stamina or spirit for it. From what I've heard, cruise ship workers are overworked and underpaid.

Well, I won't sell myself short. If I was in a desperate financial situation, I might be able to survive the work.  I would hopefully persevere.  But if I was doing it just for the experience—to expand my horizons; I imagine I'd probably quit very soon.

I got another letter from an agent who is interested in becoming my agent. That is pretty cool. (1/4/95)

I wonder whether I ended up with this agent, or the one who said it would take seven months to give me an answer.

I hope I meet more cool accent people in my life. I'm so stressed out about film schools. (1/4/95)

I still like lovely accents.

I got my grades today. 4.00. I'm happy about that. (1/5/95)

Yay, me!  Despite my relationship dramas and emotional problems, I managed to do quite well in most of my classes.

Jennifer came over. She told me Karin is going out with Russ. So that explains why Karin was acting so strange around me. (1/5/95)

Because I used to have a thing for Russ.

I feel bad because I called Charles to see if he got home safely. Then when he called me back, I was on the computer so I had to run. He seemed a bit hurt that I did not stay on the phone. He gave his little laugh. I also could hardly hear because the television was on. I told him I'd call him later, but now I don't want to.

 It's not that I don't want to talk to him. I'm just scared he'll think I'm being pesty. But if I don't call him, he might get hurt. (1/6/95)

Shit. I still have those feelings with people. It's that worry we're pestering someone, but at the same time worrying that we're doing the opposite—making them feel rejected.

I also feel it on the other side as well. I get very stressed when my family invites me to a dinner or other type of gathering. But if they didn't invite me, I'd be angry and feel left out. It's a lose-lose situation.

Matthew and I went to see the Jungle Book. It was pretty cool. Jason Scott Lee was in it and he was so adorable. I think I could have a crush on him again. I think every women wants a wild hero like that. I like Charles, but watching that movie makes me think he is much too civilized. (1/7/95)

I shouldn't have tried to speak for every woman.

I think I can understand what I was trying to say, though, about wild men vs. civilized.

The other day I watched an episode of Being Erica. which kind of dealt with the differences.

Erica (Erin Karpluk) wants more wildness and spontaneity in her sex life with Ethan (Tyron Leitso). She admits she's tired of the whole romantic candlelit sex scenario and says she wants Ethan to stop acting like he's following a script.

Ethan's very hurt and offended by that criticism.

I think there is a difference, though, between a person who acts out of passion and intense love, and a person who performs what he's read in magazines and websites.

I don't think there's anything wrong with getting advice. It's just that if there's no real passion, the performance is going to fall flat.

I have this bad feeling about Charles. I found out where he was. It was very traumatic last night. I called him and he wasn't there. Then I called Luke, and I started calling people trying to find out where the hell he was. It ended up he was in Knoxville because his dad had a mild heart attack. 

I am trying to be understanding, but I am hurt that he never called me to tell me but he called Sam. 

Also he came back today and he never called. (1/12/95)

If I didn't know what eventually happened, I'd assume Charles was just losing interest in me. It's the whole he's-not-really-into-you. Because if we had strong feelings for someone, they'd be one of the first we'd call in an emergency situation.

But from what I remember, there was a point where we got in a fight. I thought we had broken up. Charles later acted like he thought we were still together.  I don't remember him seeming eager for us to end, though I also don't remember him being heartbroken.

I don't know.

I get this sense that Charles liked to play games.

Oh! Now I'm remembering what I read the other day. He liked playing hard-to-get.  I think maybe this didn't just apply to the pre-relationship stage, but also when in a relationship. It seems like he liked to disappear a lot. He probably liked having his partner worrying about him and/or the state of the relationship and his feelings.

I am so scared right now, but I am comforted by the fact that I feel I have friends.

Last night I was traumatized.

I got upset with Charles and I told him I was going for a walk. 

Then this man came out from behind and started walking towards me. I stayed there because I thought it was (can't read word) When it was not him, I began to freak out. He had a very scary voice and acted like a psychotic bad guy from my childhood nightmares. 

But now I think it might have been a weird blessing because I had an unnatural lack of fear of walking alone late at night. He could have chased me and killed me, but he only followed me enough to scare me. So now I will think twice before ever walking alone. (1/13/95)

I don't remember that.

And I don't often have a fear of walking alone.

So I don't think the lesson stuck very well.

Charles seems so distant. I remember at one time I felt so close to him, but now he seems so distant.  I feel he is only nice when I am upset, and the rest of the time he's mean. Why does he act like that? (1/15/95)

I wonder if he still acts like that...with whoever might have ended up with him.

I got so frustrated that I hung up on him. (1/16/95)

The stuff written before that is a bit too personal.

But I think this is when I thought we had broken up.

The worst part of all this is I am not upset which makes me even more upset. I am nervous, though. I feel bad if I hurt him, but he kept hurting me. He has been extra rude ever since we got back to school.  Why did he have to treat me like shit?  Why did he keep pushing me away? 

I don't know what to do.

He must be super mad, because he hasn't called for over 48 hours. 

What the hell? 

I wonder what I said that bothered him that much? Or was it that I hung up on him? 

I told Catina and she said it's like When a Man Loves a Woman. He wants to play the knight in shining armor.  But the problem is, if there's no villain, he'll take the part of the villain too. (1/17/95)

Catina had some deep insights there.

I'm ashamed to admit that I played this same game when my sister Melissa was a baby/toddler. I liked comforting her. I'd hit her so she'd cry, and then I could give her the comfort.  I would have been only around six or seven, though.  I think for the most part, I realized the wrongs of my ways and grew out of it.

I wonder how often adults behave this way?

Outside of Charles, I don't think I've encountered it.

I know people who seem a bit sadistic—they like pushing buttons; then seeing a reaction. But I can't think of anyone who, at the same time, also wants to play the part of the rescuer.

Catina wants me to listen to her speak at her church. I don't want to go. (1/17/95)

I hope I went.

I do remember going to church with my roommates at one time, but I'm not sure it was when Catina did a speech.

I know how hard it is to want support from people, and how much it can hurt when they're not there for you.  So fuck me if I let Catina down.

Now if Catina was one of those people who was inviting me left and right to see her honored, but rarely showed any support for me...that would be a totally different story. But I don't think Catina was like that.

Yesterday I made a joke about jumping off the boat and then Matthew had a nightmare about it. I feel bad about this suicide thing. I think sometimes I just do it for attention. I think I want people to say, No, don't do it.

Ryan said it was selfish. That hurt my feelings, but I always get depressed when people say that "selfish" word.  I guess in a way I am selfish. I think I don't trust people. (1/19/95)

I wonder how often I made jokes or comments about suicide.

I don't think it was just for attention, because I write about it fairly often in my diary. And that was private...at least for that time. But maybe there were times I said it for attention. I might have been seeking reassurance.

I'm now reading a suicide website, trying to better understand my past behavior and feelings.

One of the things they say is, Is Talking about Suicide or Threatening to Kill Yourself Just a Ploy for Attention?  It is best to treat talk and threats about suicide seriously. Research indicates that up to 80% of suicidal people signal their intentions to others, in the hope that the signal will be recognized as a cry for help. These signals often include making a joke or threat about suicide, or making a reference to being dead.

I think what I was really was a cowardly suicidal person. My feelings of despair and depression were strong enough. I just didn't have the guts to take action.

Or I could turn it around and say, I was a brave person who persevered despite emotional problems.

Now I'm wondering is there really that thick of a line between those who seek attention with suicide remarks and those who actually commit suicide? I think both types feel desperate, feel hopeless, have low self-esteem, feel unloved, etc.

That being said, I wasn't being fair to Matthew. I think he was quite obvious in the fact that he saw me as a best friend.

Then again, when I'm very low, I can become delusional and feel disliked and unloved by almost everyone.

I know I can't get married. I can't have a family. But it is not the end of the world. How can I have children with these mood swings?  I thought I'd outgrow them, but I never will.  (1/20/95)

Oops.

I did get married, and I did have a child.

I definitely don't still have mood swings like the ones I'm reading about in my diary. So, that's good.

I think maybe once or twice a year I have those feelings of very low self-esteem and despair.  Or some years there might be two and other years there are none.

I'm not a picture of perfect mental health, but I think I do fairly okay with parenting. I think I'm a fairly decent mom.  I definitely don't feel I'm worse than my own parents, my sisters, my husband, my two brother-in-laws, my other in-laws, cousins, aunts, uncles, friends, etc.

Most of us struggle. We all make mistakes.

I think the thing about parenting is that we ALL have baggage and we all have emotional problems. Some parents have low self-esteem. Some get depressed. Some are overly anxious.  Some may be unable to handle stress. Some may have problems with addiction.

If only the super mentally healthy had children, we'd...well, we'd actually solve the overpopulation problem.  So maybe I shouldn't argue against that.